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Help! Confusing relationship & unsure what to do now.

 
 
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 03:22 pm
Someone help.
Me and my boyfriend dated for just over two years, in that time I moved in with him and his family for the past year and became part of the family, I went through a lot of family problems of my own during that time. In the last months me and my boyfriend started to become unsure of our relationship, we would fight and not know where each other stood until one day I suggested that we should breakup if things aren't going to change (something I never wanted to do) my boyfriend then said breaking up was a good idea. I broke down and fought as hard as I could to keep the relationship together but he wanted to end it.. I lived at his house for a few weeks after that as I had no where else to live, I then moved out and on our last night together his parents cried, I cried then we both went to bed and he cried aswell. Through the time when I was still living their we acted like a couple, we kissed, cuddled, had sex, went on little dates. This confused me. I moved out and we still continued to text each other, regularly we would end up at the same friends houses on the weekend and then end up going home together, it was on and off for a while, I was always I initiating for us to try and make it work, and he always agreed to try, we did this for 3 months, he would try then say he doesn't want it anymore and we would stop talking for a week then somehow we would start seeing each other again. After 3 months of not officially being together he finally said "I love you" and said that we were back together. I was so happy! I moved back in and We were together for a month and I felt like it was going good, we booked a holiday together, we're regularly telling each other we love each other, cuddling and just getting along. After a rough week of it being that time of month for me I was an emotion wreck, I would lash out for no reason and one day initiated a fight that lead to him saying he can't do this anymore, we went home that night and talked, he said he he doesn't want this anymore, he loves me half the time and sees me in his future and then the other half the time he doesn't love me or want to spend the rest of his life with me, we decided on staying together and trying to work through it but regularly he says that he doesn't want to do this anymore and that his mind isn't going to change. He blames me for this dragging on as much as it has, when he is also to blame, he messages me or asks me to come over when we aren't together, he is amazing when we are together then suddenly out of no where doesn't want the relationship anymore. I know this sounds stupid, but I honestly think he is the one, every time we aren't together and we see each other we are automatically attracted to one another. I want this to work more than anything, all I want is for us to both be happy together but I don't know how to make him happy. I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me because of everything we've gone through and the things he does. If he really wanted to he could leave at any second, he doesn't have to keep trying.
Please help me ..
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 625 • Replies: 16
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 03:26 pm
@Ashlea1993,
Wouldn't you rather be with someone who wants to be with you more than half the time?
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 03:27 pm
@Ashlea1993,
Don't hitch your wagon to this star.

This guy only wants you when it suits him, and it's convenient and easy for him. Don't chase him.

You can do better.
Ashlea1993
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 03:36 pm
@jespah,
I know he's going through a rough time in his life, feeling lost and not knowing where he's going. He hates his job more than anything and is grumpy a lot of the time, I think this is having a toll on our relationship. And all I want is for him to get through his rough patch and be happy again with me...
0 Replies
 
Ashlea1993
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 03:37 pm
@ehBeth,
I would rather him want to be with me all the time. I feel like we've been through so much together and that we will get over this aswell and be stronger at the end. I just don't know how to make him see that
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 03:39 pm
@Ashlea1993,
The problem is that you can't make him feel or see what you want. That's entirely up to him.

In the meantime you have to get on with your own life. Hopefully there is someone out there who has that 100% feeling for you.
Ashlea1993
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 03:41 pm
@ehBeth,
I know I can't.. We are still together, and I am still living with his family. Just don't know where to go from here
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 03:47 pm
@Ashlea1993,
Move out on your own if you can. Definitely separate yourself from his family - that's just unkind for everyone. He needs support for his family and they can't focus on him if you're there.

You're only with him til he gets annoyed again. Time for you to smarten up and get out and find friends who want to be with you.
Ashlea1993
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 04:01 pm
@ehBeth,
I have no where to go. And I still have hope that we will work it out, I can't just walk away from that. And his family is like my family
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 04:04 pm
@Ashlea1993,
Ashlea1993 wrote:
If he really wanted to he could leave at any second


He can't leave. You are living in his family's home.

That's just not fair to him.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 04:04 pm
@Ashlea1993,
You need to figure out what you are going to do with your life.

Sounds like you're waaaaay attached to his life.

You need your own life.
Ashlea1993
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 04:06 pm
@ehBeth,
He asked me to move out last time, he could do that again?
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 04:09 pm
@Ashlea1993,
No reason why he can't.

Be independent. Grow a spine.

Move out and be on your own. I swear it won't break you.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 04:10 pm
@Ashlea1993,
Ashlea1993 wrote:
me and my boyfriend started to become unsure of our relationship

we would fight


HIM

my boyfriend then said breaking up was a good idea.

he wanted to end it.

it was on and off for a while

he would try then say he doesn't want it anymore

him saying he can't do this anymore

he said he he doesn't want this anymore,

the other half the time he doesn't love me

but regularly he says that he doesn't want to do this anymore

and that his mind isn't going to change.

He blames me for this dragging on as much as it has,

suddenly out of no where doesn't want the relationship anymore.


YOU

I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me



do you see how unfair to him this looks?
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 04:49 pm
@Ashlea1993,
To me it seems like he likes the convenience of the sex & romance, but doesn't like the conflict or perhaps the commitment.

Also, the conflict to me rings alarm bells - from how you've described things, it seems like either, one, or the two of you, do not engage in conflict fairly, or respectfully. I suspect the fights are fairly emotionally traumatic events - which they don't have to be (it depends on how they are fought, which depends on the level of emotional maturity of each of the participants).

As an aside, Social scientists have been able to identify, with 90% accuracy, those couples that would be together after 10 years, based purely on how they fight.
Ashlea1993
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2015 05:00 pm
@vikorr,
He's someone that likes alone time, he's someone that needs it. And I feel like he doesn't get it enough when we are together because he doesn't feel like he can have it, which I wouldn't mind at all..

What do you mean by the last bit? Our fights are very emotional, and so are our breakups. We both often cry together and fall asleep crying and hugging...
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jul, 2015 05:10 pm
@Ashlea1993,
There's nothing wrong with emotional fights - just traumatic fights. Ie. one or both of you may (or may not - it's just a list):
- become manipulative when fighting (which never helps anything, but can turn nasty)
- turns the others viewpoint into something it's not, in order to manipulate the situation
- hurls insults / abuse / attacks with intent to hurt (degrees from mild to vicious)
- has to win at all costs
- gets angry enough to frighten the other into silence
- etc

Those are the higher end.

Respectful fights on the other hand - either one can be angry (which is perfectly alright if it's not abusive), and:
- neither party degrades / abuses the other
- may be strident in their viewpoint, but listen to others
- even while angry, they listen to the others position and use that to try and find common ground (rather than to manipulate the conversation)

Also, the makeup afterwards (if it's necessary) has empathy, and an awareness of differences, and even your own flaws.
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