disgusted by his past

8 people by age 25 is "overly promiscuous"?

Hmm.

Are you asking whether you are justified in feeling angry about it? That's a hard one to answer -- my immediate reaction is "no", but feelings have a way of being irrational, and being told that those feelings are not justified doesn't usually address those feelings.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about what you would prefer in the future? Like, he said those things, and he can't un-say them -- since he didn't do anything wrong (he wasn't unfaithful to you if he wasn't in a relationship with you at the time) -- so it's on you to deal with it. But since it obviously bothers you, you can talk about it proactively -- asking him not to provide such details again in the future, since you have a difficult time with them.

It sounds like you're very young, and you'll find that the older we get, the less we can expect a potential mate to be "without a history." It's just a part of growing older and becoming more experienced, and is totally natural.

However, if your boyfriend's "history" isn't in sync with your own personal set of values and standards, this doesn't mean that he's right or you're right, it just means that maybe you both are coming from two different places in terms of your definitions of morality and sexual limitations. You can either choose to accept this as part of who he is, or not choose to do so and move on. That's your call.

What is acceptable for one person may not be for another.

You'll find on your journey through life that as you get older and more experienced, that you'll seek out people of your own personality type and tolerability level, and hopefully become better able to accept those who are not.

Give yourself time, but in the meantime enjoy meeting and learning from all kinds of people. That's how we grow.

Best of luck to you!

When I was in high school I admit I was a bit promiscuous and had sex with over 8 ladies before I even turned 18. I also had a tendency to indulge in the herb when I was young but I never sought treatment (nor did I think I needed any). I am now 44 and my life is very different. Your boyfriend may have just needed time to "sow his wild oats" and move on. My current girlfriend knows about my somewhat checkered past and it does not influence us at all. And my main ex-girlfriend from high school is now a psychologist at Yale. Give him a chance!

Re: disgusted by his past
Yes, you're right, he hasn't been overly promiscuous. Assuming you are both STD-free and are free of financial or legal obligations from your previous marriages, prior affairs should not hold so much sway over you. Therefore, I believe you are saying that he hasn't been overly promiscuous, but from the rest of your post, it looks like you don't truly believe that.

Don't ask the question if you're not sure you're going to be able to deal with the answer. Sure, that's 20/20 hindsight now, but in some of these cases, you did ask, and he told you. Isn't it better that he told you the truth?

And this has to do with what? Unless he's talking about how much he misses his ex or that he wants to try anal sex with you, to my mind, this is about as relevant as the price of tea in China. He treats you better than your ex did. He is with you, not his ex. Actions, as they say, speak louder than words - and current actions speak loudest of all. He's with you, not her.

This is a fight, not a sharing of secrets. Is it oneupmanship? Do you feel the need to tell him how sexy you are, or were? Why is it necessary to compare past appetites? Before I met my husband, he didn't like Indian food. Now he likes it. His telling me about all the wonderful non-Indian meals he had before we met would be just kind of silly. It's the sex thing, isn't it? If you were discussing anything else, you probably wouldn't have felt the need to counter his revelation with one of your own. But take sex out of the equation and you'll be able to see the oneupmanship for what it is.

I take it that your fellow is over that (the pot, I mean), so harboring anger about that is counterproductive. If you met a former smoker (Marlboros, I mean), and you met that person 5 years after they quit smoking, would you chide that person for having, at one point, been a smoker?

LDR? Do you mean LTR (long-term relationship)? Otherwise, you've lost me on the abbreviation.

In any event, neither of you seem to have gotten over what happened with him in High School. You for how you are feeling about his ex, and him for talking about his ex. But hey, you just told us about your ex from High School - does that mean you're over him, or not? The thing is, I think your boyfriend was just discussing a past relationship with you, sharing intimate details of his past. There's nothing wrong with this or bad about it and it doesn't mean he's harping on the past. If he was harping on the past, you'd know it, 'cause he'd be saying things like "I wish I was still with her" or "I regret breaking up with her" and the like. If he's not saying those things, you've gotta take it on face value and can assume it's not because he's still hung up on her.



Whatever happened with your most recent ex is irrelevant, yes? Unless there are 3 people in your current relationship, the bottom line is that it's just you and your boyfriend. And the same thing goes for him. Unless you've got him saying or doing things that clearly indicate he wants back into his old relationship, you have to take what he says and does on face value. E. g. if he doesn't say he wants to be with her, and doesn't make any moves to be with her, and treats you well, then believe that. After all, isn't trust a main component of any successful relationship? If you are unable to trust what he is saying and doing, then your relationship will not last.

Who knows how much sex he wants? Have you asked him? Have you said to him, "Are you satisfied? Is it enough for you?" And if you have, what has he said? Communication is another key to a successful relationship. If you are unable to talk to one another about this, and are relegated to conjuring up ideas in your head about what he wants, without actually asking him, then, like I said above, your relationship will not last.

Finally, I'm with NickFun on this one. People change. It's been, what, 7 years since he was in High School. Don't you think his behavior could change, at least a little bit? I mean, hasn't yours?

re:
Well his ex from high school has since had two kids and gained a lot of weight. Honestly i'm not that young, i'm 25, i have a past but i think i've tried to be somewhat careful about what i've done and who i've done it with. I dont think i'm better than anyone by any means, i've made mistakes, heck i'm divorced, someone out there might hate my past but right now I really hate his past and these feelings are not going away. I have tried to be understanding, but I just keep feeling like, what the hell is the point of us even being together?? I feel that their is nothing sacred or special between the two of us, it hurts me that we have basically experienced everything other than having kids with other people and it just sucks! Things like that are very important to me, its hard for me to feel at one with someone who has experienced all of these things with someone else.
My ex had only lost his virginity about 6 months before he met me. It was just nice knowing that I was his first in a lot of ways-first serious girlfriend, first person he lived with, got engaged to, I had never been in love until him really. Now i feel like i will never have relationship like that again and it only makes my wounds sting even more when my boyfriend tells me about his sexual experiences. It really makes me just want to say, well then go be with that person if you're still talking about it. He says i never tell him stuff about my past that often. Honestly because i am over it, and i really dont have a heck of a lot to say about it anymore!

Then end the relationship, if you feel this strongly about it.

Will you meet virgins and other less experienced men? Yes, but fewer as you get older. If this is what's most important to you, and you're not getting it from your relationship, then the fairest thing to do is get out of the relationship before it gets any deeper and before anyone has a chance to be more hurt than they would be if it ended now.

re:
I think I will have to end it...something just does not seem right. I am upset about his past ALL of the time. When i said LDR I meant Long distance relationship-we see each other once a month. anytime we have intimate moments together i just feel like, oh he's done this with someone else and the moment is ruined. This is just not normal and i know it's not. I can never change what anyone and i feel that i've been spoiled almost in my past relationships because i always seemed to be everybody's first serious girlfriend with the exception of a few. I know that i am insecure and i'm really worried that i'm always going to be like this in relationships. This guy i'm dating really is a great guy, he's got a lot of good things going on in his life, but i focus more on his past than i do on his present.

UUummm..... there is an unspoken rule about communication that alot of people dont know.
-"Dont ask for information you cant handle"-
Yes, you need to know his sexual history.. but not in that detail, and if you are not being tested on a regular basis, and he isnt either why is his personal details about his sex life going to make a diffrence? If he is negative for std's and y ou are too.. why do you need to know? You cant hold against him things he did before he met you. That is just not fair. People dont plan thier lives from day 1 around someone they do not know. He was in relationships that also had a physical side. So? So have you. And if you put that much importance and that much of your self worth on what HE has done before he met you....you may want to rethink how you feel about yourself. If he wanted these other women as you say you feel he does, then he wouldnt be with you. People are not dumb. They go after what they want. If his past is too much then move on because it is not fair for you to hate him for information YOU asked him for. And the next person you meet, either dont ask or dont date until you ask. That way you know what you are getting into.
good luck

It sounds like your problem is that he has a history before he met you. That you are not the one and only in his life. Tough. Normal, too. You have to learn to live with it, or find a virgin. What is imortant is that he is with you now, and not 8 other girls. He probably cares about you and sees you in his future. If you care about him too, then it doesn't sound like a big problem. Just set the rules - you can certainly ask him not to relate his previous sexual adventures to you. Just tell him openly that you are not comfortable in it and not interested in listening to it. Accusing him and sending him to his ex-es will not solve anything. Calm and reasonable diallogue might.

I'm just to the point where i'm obsessing about this and i realize it's basically my problem, not his. Sure i didnt need to know some of the things he told me, but i feel that other people could easily deal with this. When he told me some of these things i just felt sick, like i'd been punched in the stomach. My ex used to get upset with my past because i'd been with other people too so it's just weird that i am feeling how he did. I guess i've always been jealous of these kinds of things. With my ex it was a slight issue in the beginning, but 4 years later it ended basically because of his special forces military job. I dont want to be upset about these things, I know my boyfriend loves me, he tells me all the time, but i just feel nagged by his past. He only told one person before me that he loved them, yet i am still so upset. I am almost angry about my marriage ending because now i have to deal with guys like this ):

If he would keep stuff from his past from you, wouldnt that be worse? Say that you accidentally found out about it much later, and you'd realise he never trusted you enough to tell you?

Having to harbour all kinds of secrets, things "you just dont talk about", isn't very pleasant in a relationship, in which you should feel the other just accepts you for who you are, in which you should feel you could trust the other ...

Not telling you stuff would imply that he thought that if he'd tell you, you wouldn't like him anymore ... that's not very nice, and not the kind of security a long-term relationship is built on ...

I understand your grief about how there will never again be that first time. That first time being in love, that first time making a common home, making love ... yes, it does have a special glow, a special, starry-eyed belief in life. But that first time is gone - you have been married, you did divorce - everything that comes next will not be like anything that went before. It will (have to) be special for other reasons, for other things.

For example, for trust. With a first relationship, you never know for sure - wouldn't the other perhaps have been happier with someone else? Isn't (s)he just happy with you cause (s)he doesnt know any better? When will (s)he get curious, fly off or stray? When someone has already lived through much, has learned through good things and bad, and then chooses for you, you know its because he wants to. He's seen what else is out there, and he's decided he wants you.

Trust also means being able to share ... you've gone through some tough stuff, I'm sure, with the divorce and everything. Would you really want to be with someone who wouldn't understand any of that, wouldn't recognize it, wouldn't get why you can suddenly get upset or distrustful some times? The good thing here is you can share life stories.

Your man has a past, and always when a person has a past, it doesn't include you. You were not part of his life, then. But apparently, he wants you to be part of his life now - apparently, he wants to share who he is, what he is about, what has made him who he is now, with you. That says something.

Of course, like Soz said, its no use for us to tell you your feelings are "unjustified". Your feelings are what they are, and you will need to deal with them. But it might be good to try to step outside them for a moment and dissect them a little bit: what do you feel exactly? How can the different things you feel be specified, unravelling the big entangled ball? Where do they come from? Is it insecurity, especially about sex? Fear that he will leave you again? Is it grief, over the relationship you once had (everything for the first time), and which will never come back? Many of the reasons why you feel this way might turn out to only be logical - just the kind of things one would feel in situation x or after having gone through y. Realising what it is that does it, might help to avoid acting these feelings out in ways that are unreasonable, or blaming other persons for them.

Its just life ... there's always stuff thats difficult to come to terms with, but that you'll have to, anyway.

Tortured PAST
My son and his girlfriend are both 21 years old. She's his first real love. She has an extensive sexual past. My son has NO sexual past--she is his first. My son could care less about HER past--the only important thing is that she is with him NOW.

However, my son's girlfriend tortures him with jealous rages because he had a "crush" on someone else in high school. He deals with her insecurities everyday and it is taking an enormous toll on their relationship. She is emotionally draining him.

Insecurities take on all shapes and sizes. I suspect that any kind of past on your boyfriend's part would upset you and cause you insecurity and unhappiness.

You want to be his first. You want to be the "one and only" in every way. You feel that any type of past on his part takes away from the "specialness" that the two of you could build in the here and now. But that's not true. Don't allow your insecurities over the past to ruin the possibility of a great life.

The two of you can have many "firsts" together. Your first date together. Your first Valentine's Day together. Your first trip together. Your first Christmas together and on and on and on . . . You can make these times joyous and special for the two of you. You can build memories of happy times that will glue you together and serve as a healthy foundation for your relationship.

Everyone has a past. You can't erase history. You can't wipe the slate clean. You can only learn from the past, move forward, and be happy NOW.

You have a choice. You can let go of your anger and insecurities over HIS PAST and move forward to build a happy relationship together, or you can torture him with your insecurities until he becomes emotionally drained and can't take it anymore.

I hope you make the happy, healthy choice for yourself and for him.

HUGS and best wishes as you sort through your feelings and emotions!

mchalel, I got bad flashbacks reading your post. You seem to be going through the same thoughts and feelings I had when I entered my 1st relationship.

You can read some of the details here:
http://www.able2know.com/forums/about28328.html

My wife had had several relationships in the past, I had none. She used to go into graphic detail about her past sexual experiences, sometimes even while we were having sex! I objected and she said "other guys can handle this".

This was difficult enough in the beginning, but as our own sexual relationship quickly dwindled it became harder for me to deal with. I kept thinking how much better the "other guys" had it with my girlfriend. Some of this was just me being irrational and some of this was due to the fact that she never wanted to try anything new. Every time I'd suggest something other than just the old "missionary position" she'd say she'd already tried it with someone else and didn't care for it. So I felt like she'd seen and done everything and all I'd get was 'plain vanilla sex'. Which considering that I'd never slept with anyone before her, was difficult to deal with to say the least.

And not having been in a relationship before I didn't know if this was "normal". But after doing lots of research and talking to therapists I found out that this is NOT normal behavior.

It is normal for people to mention they have a past, and maybe even how many. It's not normal, or good, for a relationship to go into graphic detail about sexual situations with ex's. It triggers feelings that the other person is 'cheating on you' even though it happened in the past. Once you have that mental image of your ex having sex with other people, (provided by their explicit descriptions), it's FEELS like they're cheating, as irrational as that sounds.

So the only thing you should be asking, or information you should get, is if they've been checked for STD's.

And it's worse when the partner has a long history and you meet when you're older. In general people are more "wild" in bed when they're younger. By the time you meet, your partner may not be as willing to experiment as they once were. So the last thing you need is to know exactly how wild and experimental they were in the past.

It's information you don't NEED to know.

You mentioned you asked for some info. Big mistake. But I made the same mistake myself. After getting the first part of a particularly 'wild' story your mind starts filling in the missing pieces and you mistakenly think knowing the whole story will help. But it doesn't.

My advice is to proceede slowly with your relationship and explain how you feel to your boyfriend.

With my girlfriend, (now my wife...long story), the talking about old boyfriends was a symptom of a much larger, and more difficult series of troubles. It was the tip of the iceburg.

Be cautious, and be communicative with your boyfriend.

Briar, I already expressed my sympathy for you in your own thread. But here, I'd respectfully suggest that what you have experienced seems fundamentally different from what mchalel is describing.

You mention your gf putting you down when you expressed insecurity ("other guys could handle it"). You mention her recounting in graphic detail even while you were having sex. Thats stunning, if you didnt ask for it, let alone if you already said you didnt like it. To be honest, it suggests perhaps some kind of serious issues of more like a sub/dom kind, on her part - as if she got a certain kick out of kinda, ehm, subjugating? you that way. (I might be butting in too much here. But for someone with the past you describe, it wouldn't at all be illogical for her to have such issues, in any case).

You also mention that your gf doesn't want to do all kinds of stuff with you because she's 'already done it all before'. In mchalel's case, nothing of this kind has happened (judging from her post at least). He doesnt seem to love her - or express his love and concern for her - in any way less. The "graphic detail" he went into doesnt, apparently, cover any kind of sexual positions or anything like that - just telling her what gf's he's had, how as a teenager this one time they did it all the time (well, duh), and that one thing about anal, whatever context that came up in. I really think its incomparable to the scope you describe ... perhaps there's a little bit of projection?

I also respectfully disagree about that "the only thing you should be asking, or information you should get, is if they've been checked for STD's". Of course you dont need to know "exactly how wild and experimental they were", for sure. And whenever the stories seem to be recounted with some kind of intention of ... well, affecting you in certain ways, thats a big alarm bell. But - well - personally, I'd be freaked out if my gf's previous relationships were just a blank slate for me, too. No reason to know all the details if you don't want to hear them, but also no reason to freak out about the mere information that your partner did have sex with others before. Or even about what (s)he liked or not (in, like, a non-comparative way of course). You gotta feel a little comfortable talking about sex.

I dunno. Just a thought. Just my take.

For what it's worth, I was in a relationship where I was the bad guy -- talking too much about a previous relationship, which freaked out the current. I was still very young at the time (much younger than you, anyway), he was much older, and I felt like I had to prove that I wasn't some inexperienced little girl.

I'd felt the other side of that, too, intense jealousy towards an ex's girlfriend (who I'd met and everything.) And just not being able to stand thinking of them together.

So, I took lessons from all of that -- my own jealousy issues, especially -- and asked my now-husband to not be too detailed, right off the bat. He (luckily) was in exactly the same mental space as I was -- similar history -- and also didn't want to know. So we both got tested and then stayed vague after that.

Over the years ('bout a dozen) more and more came out, and we each have a pretty clear picture of the others' history by now. But we trod carefully.

Point is, I think it's one of those things that are understandable, but the responsibility is on the person with the jealousy issues to deal with it. (As long as the partner in the relationship is being basically rational -- I very much agree with how nimh differentiates briar's case.) Maybe the best way to deal with this one is to go ahead and end it, take a deep breath, and manage the next relationship more carefully.

That would fit with some of her other behavior. At that point in the relationship I sometimes felt as if I was being "tested" to see how much I could take.

Maybe a bit of projection and just my lack of experience with anyone else.

I guess each couple has to work out a middle-ground that they're both comfortable with.

sozobe's approach of taking it slow seems like a good idea.