Miserable and lonely in a long term relationship

I'm in a long term relationship, 11 years, the last 7 of those married.

The only truely happy part of the relationship was the first few weeks.

It was my first relationship and I honestly had no idea what relationships were about and I ignored all the warning signs that would have sent more experienced people running. I had incredibly low self esteem and I truely liked her so I kept slogging on, hoping she would get better or I'd learn how to cope better.

Getting to know her was like peeling an onion. Each new layer reveiled new ghosts from her past. (She unlike myself had been in many relationships.)

Back in the first few weeks when I was truely happy and falling in love, I told her how I felt and she replied, "You like me now, but you won't in a few months".

More warning signs:

She would often start crying during sex. She said, "oh, I always do that, it's not you." Years later I found out that that's most likely due to her being molested as a child. But even after showing her books on the subject, to this day she says her trouble with sex has nothing to do with being molested.

She would describe in graphic detail sex acts with old boyfriends sometimes even DURING sex. When I complained, she replied, "Well OTHER guys can deal with it!" Looking back I should have replied, "Then go find another guy". But self-doubt set in and I began to wonder if I was being unreasonable. Again after reading and therapy I found out that it's definately not normal to chat about past experiences in graphic detail with your current partner.

Since it's an eleven year relationship, (and counting), I could go on for pages with stories that would turn some people's hair white, but I won't.

After breaking up with her because she refused to go to counseling with me, she finally agreed to seek some help. This allowed us to work through some of our issues, but core issues remain untouched primarily because they're too painful for her to deal with, so instead she sweeps them under the carpet.

We are VERY compatible in many ways and I really want to help her, so we struggled for years. There was a brief period where she was on medication and doing better. But one issue was, even though I've been very faithful to her, she said she never felt secure in the relationship.

So I made another mistake and got married, hoping that would allow her to relax.

Of course it didn't help matters any.

Then financial stress set in. We were caught in a layoff. That was in 1996. I got contract work, then a full time job. She hasn't had a full time job since and only contributes money sporadically through freelance work.

Then more complications. We had a child.

Still more complications. Our child has a mild form of autism that requires a lot of work. We're doing all we can for him. Special therapy, training, etc.

And, to get back to the beginning, only the first few weeks were 'bliss'. I quickly found that she does not like any form of human contact. Not hugging, kissing, or especially sex. She rarely even hugs our child. She was raised in a "hands-off" family and that combined with the abuse as a child, has resulted in her having a real aversion to touch.

We get along great...as friends and partners in raising our child. We see eye-to-eye on many issues and have similar outlooks on life.

But I'm incredibly lonely. The only human contact I get is when I hug my child. It's a great parent / child relationship, but I need human contact with an adult.

I can't leave the relationship for several reasons. First, our son is totally dependant on having two parents at this time in his life. We're both part of his therapy and we both need to be there on a daily basis for him.

Second, I simply can't afford a divorce. I've seen people go through divorces where kids are involved and I know the "side with money" always "wins". My family has no money. Her family has tons of money. Since she's been unable to hold a full-time job, and before I met her she was hopping from one job to another, I fear she'd end up moving away to live with her folks.

I can barely support ONE household on my income, much less two, and I don't want to become a "part-time-dad" to my son!

So I'm trapped.

Having an affair totally goes against my morals. Not out of any religious reasons, but just because it seems so "wrong". But I need to find SOME way to cope with the situation. Lately I've been trying to figure out just how to have an affair and that's making me even more miserable, but I don't know what else to do.

Honestly I feel my wife could go her whole life without having sex again, (and she even told me this on several occasions). But I can't.

I'm currently seeing a great psychologist and on anti-depression medications, but that can only go so far. That can't cure the loneliness or the hopelessness of the situation.