ANDY ROONEY

ANDY ROONEY

1 - Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'"

2 - Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they
can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

3- Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their
breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives
mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

4- Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
nerve.

5- Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Honey,

I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says Into Phone) "I
DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up
phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

6- Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus
Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7- Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8- Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

9- Andy Rooney on Research:
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants
and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is now
believed that, by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember
what to do with them.