Sun 7 Jun, 2015 07:51 pm
Apologies for the long post but I feel the need to share a lot of details to get useful advice on my current situation. Hopefully someone can help me.
So I'm still in the closet and haven't been with many guys. Most of my experimentation was done as a teenager and then have had very minimal experiences since then. Now I'm 24, nearly 25, and after feeling lonely and horny for too long I decided to go on a gay dating app for a one night fling which I was hoping would lead to a possible friends with benefits situation to get experience with one guy rather than many. I realize my first issue to is come out of the closet, but I'm looking for other advice right now. On the dating app, I quickly realized I was turned off and intimidated by guys my age and older who were much more experienced and just wanted to have aggressive sex and be done for the one night. I know that's not all men, just true for the guys I encountered on the app. I figured if I went with a younger guy they might be on the same experience level as me and be open to fooling around and experimenting more down the road taking it slow. Anyway, I chatted with a cute guy, he is only 18 and is a senior in HS, and what started as an intention for a one night hookup with a possible friends with benefits situation has turned into a 7 month relationship. Despite the age gap I find that I'm madly in love with him to the point I drop everything to be with him, spoil him with gifts (I have 6 figure job), and find myself obsessing about every communication or lack there of from him to decipher his true feelings about me. We tell each other we love one another and when we're together it's amazing, even intoxicating to me. I feel such a bond when he cuddles with me and truly believe in those moments he's in love with me. The problem is we only see each other the most 1 day a week, sometimes every other week if he has other plans and so I find myself wanting to be around him all the time or at least more than 4 times a month. I don't think that's weird to want but maybe it is? To give you more background, he actually had WAY more experience than me. He said he had fooled around with more than 30 guys and he's only 18. Luckily, he avoided catching any STD's. Ironically though he said he wasn't into anal and said that's not what he was looking for, so he was more of a 3rd base guy which I was understanding of. Anyway, our first night we had a great time. Awkward at first due to the age difference, but then we became a little more comfortable and began to mess around. Soonafter that night he asked if I wanted to top him, and in the heat of the moment I agreed to to do it. Since that night, it's never happened again which he said he had a personal reason for not wanting it. I've asked a couple times since what was wrong but never got an answer so I have just respected his decision and never brought it up again. Anyway, I don't believe it is significant to my situation but thought I would throw it out there. After two months of dating we decided to become exclusive. The fact he had been was so many guys before and talked about being horny a lot made me wonder if he would ever cheat though. He confessed around the time we got together that he thought about cheating on me one night but didn't. I was happy he didn't, and knew we were still a new couple so I understood to a degree, but of course it didn't help my fears. He also asked around that time my thoughts on an open relationship and that he considered sex, just sex, and no emotional attachment. I told him I didn't have the same view and wouldn't be open to that situation. He said e understood and we've never talked about it since. The question worried me a bit but then he also talked about friends cheating and thinking it was a horrible thing to do so that was somewhat comforting.
Anyway 5 months later, our emotional connection seems to have gotten a lot stronger, and I've tried really hard to not let certain behaviors of his cause me for concern. Mainly not communicating. Unfortunately he's not really open about feelings like I am and still doesn't seem to want to see or be with me like people in a normal relationship I would think want after going out for 7 months and are in "love". We still only hangout 1 day a week and after we're together for the night, the next day he seems to want to get home quickly or have something that he has to go home for. Then he's usually not responsive to texts for the next day, saying he was sleeping or busy. When he leaves I feel huge sense of sadness, that is nothing like I've ever felt. When we're not together I want to text him and hear about things in his day without hounding him or coming off overbearing but it's very inconsistent whether he responds and makes me feel so insignificant. He always hangs with his friends during the week and it seems I don't really exist except for good night texts or good morning texts which I'm usually the one to initiate, although sometimes he does. I keep trying to remind myself he's probably not thinking like a a person my age when it comes to needs of others in a relationship but it's very hard. Furthermore, he hasn't been in the "mood" for anything sexual the past couple times we've hung out, and even will text ahead of time to ask if I'd be ok if he wasn't in the mood. It became so concerning and frustrating. Part of being in a relationship is the sexual chemistry as well and for two guys who hadn't been together in weeks I had to have a discussion with him. I respect someone decision to not be in the mood once in a while but we rarely see each other as it is! I can't help but feel a sense of rejection. I straight up asked him if he still found me attractive and was in love with me which he said he did and loved me. I told him it was hard to understand what the reason was and if he was cheating or doing anything else. He denied cheating or doing anything wrong but never really got an answer about what was going on with him.
He told me about weekend plans that he had with friends and wouldn't be able to see me and I said ok but was a little bummed out because we had discussed that I had to fly home to see my family the following week and wanted to hangout 1 night so it wouldn't be 3 weeks before we would see each other again. He got defensive and said that he's made it clear we're not going to hangout every weekend because he might want to be with friends, or just not want to hangout, or want to be alone. I told him I understood that but that was something we discussed when we first started dating but now I felt like after 7 months we were closer and would want to be around the person you "love" a little more and that I didn't think seeing each other once a week was too much to ask for. Whenever something sensitive comes up he reacts so explosively over text rather than trying to work it out. I've learned to not try and provoke him as it would kill me if the relationship ended at this point. Since I do spoil him with gifts (have spent thousands) I was concerned maybe his love for me was for those benefits. I joked with him and said I hoped that if I had no money he'd still love me and then he replied that he hoped that it wasn't a real question. I pretended it wasn't but I took his response as a good sign that his offense to the question meant that it truly wasn't the case but I'm not sure of anything with "us". We've discussed things in the future, like new years ever plans and things like that so he seems to consider a future, which is good. I'm just head over heels for this guy and crave his attention or affirmation so much and never it get back it's causing me to almost feel depressed. The times we are together are just so wonderful it seems to put a spell on me to just deal with all the other issues. I don't know how to constantly deal with feeling such conflicted emotions. I feel I would literally risk my own life to save his I love him so much, but never feel anything close to that from him. Other than getting I love you's which feels more forced now, all I want is to hear that he appreciates me or thinks I'm looking sexy or was just thinking of me and most importantly feel like he really WANTS to spend time with me.
My question is...am I expecting too much of him? Is it possible he really does love me but because of his age/personality or combination of the two he can't tell me his feelings like I want? Is he trying hard to not let himself get too attached for some reason? I feel like being 18 for me wasn't that long ago but now I feel like I need advice from a guy his age on what to do or not to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
P.S. Typing this long essay was almost helpful in itself, haha.
@closetcase2015,
I'm afraid I skimmed your post. But I think the gist of it (correct me if I'm wrong) is that you've been in a relationship for 7 months, have spent thousands on this guy, but you're still insecure about whether he's committed to you. Furthermore, your sexual issues are such that he seems to be dictating at least some of what goes on in the bedroom.
It seems to me like you're more interested in him than vice versa.
Pull back on the gifts (please!). Have a life outside of him. He has got you wrapped around his little finger.
I think a year of exclusivity is good. A year. As in (by my reckoning), 5 months from now, AKA November. And then start talking about where everybody stands in the relationship.
An 18 year old is not capable or exclusivity or a real commitment.
Recognize this for what it is: a fling.
Why don't men your own age appeal to you?
@jespah,
Thanks for insight Jespah. I'm definitely going to stop with the gifts and pull back on being so available all the time to see if that changes anything. He absolutely has me wrapped around his finger, but it's hard not to when I care so much about him. I wish I didn't and could just take it for what it probably is.
@closetcase2015,
Ya, you are almost certainly going to end up feeling used. Not becoming bitter will be the major challenge. Work on it, because bitterness will kill any chance of finding love going forwards.
@PUNKEY,
Punkey- I never said men my own age don't appeal to me. If you read my post you would see how I was looking for someone my age and then ended up getting involved with this guy. Unfortunately I can't control how I feel about him at this point, so I'd like to not just give up. 7 months seems a little long to be a fling, but I could be wrong. I do agree that it's quite possible he's just not mature enough to deal with a real relationship, but I've given him the chance to end it and he doesn't want that so that's why I was seeking advice to understand him more.
@closetcase2015,
he sounds like a teen enjoying life with a sugar daddy
he spends time with his friends, runs the schedule, gets gifts from you
from his perspective, things are perfect right now
@ehBeth,
Yep, and one thing that I have seen these last few years with this age group is that they almost always know the right words to say to get what they want, they are supremely talented manipulators.
@hawkeye10,
hawkeye10- thanks. I'll try to work on it. I'm an overly generous guy in general, even with friends and family, I think because I never had much growing up and then got lucky with making really good money young and for some reason want to give others who I love what I didn't have and end up spoiling them. But with that said, it would certainly lead me to feel extreme bitterness if it came to be that's all I was to someone and they actually didn't love me back. Just now, he text me to say he was going to give me money for some tickets he asked me to buy. I never asked for money, so that is somewhat encouraging he's offered. Normally he asks and I just do it, or I offer it to him. We'll see how things go for now i guess.
@ehBeth,
You've probably hit the nail on the head. Never thought 6 years age difference made me a sugar daddy but I guess you can be a sugar daddy at any age if you're spoiling someone. As I said in my other replies I'll stop with the gift giving and see if that changes things with him. Then I'll know for sure.
@closetcase2015,
Quote:, I think because I never had much growing up and then got lucky with making really good money young and for some reason want to give others who I love what I didn't have and end up spoiling them
One of my daughters is making well over $100K a year 4 years out of school and she like you is having fun spreading it around. But she has already started to pull back, not feeling like it was appreciated by some, so she is much more picky about whom to gift. But she lets it roll off, she made the choice and she has been taught to take responsibility for her acts. She has also been taught that if what she is doing is not working, is not making her happy, then she should probably do something else.
What you are going through is a part of growing up. But like I said the major threat is bitterness setting in. So long as you dont let that happen then you will be fine.
@closetcase2015,
A men of 18 cannot be in complete commitment. He still has a long way to go in his life and will come across many girls off and on. Why don't you look for someone of your age.
Have a relationship for other more years and decide the remaining.
The boy is enjoying at the fullest at this moments. He is living his young life plus eating gifts from and also enjoying the life of being in a relationship. You should try reducing gifts and focus more on relationship and then you can easily understand that does he love you or just enjoying the sugar daddy relationship.
@closetcase2015,
Once you 'shower them with gifts' it becomes very difficult to differentiate love from other things. Could be he regards your relationship as the casual friends with benefits, whereas you've projected your own desire for love and emotional investment.
I've made the mistake of projecting my hopes and desires onto younger lovers before too. It's flattering and a huge ego boost to have some college coed contact you and come over to play. The older party often winds up seeing more to it than is there, whereas to the younger party it's just a good time. 6 or 7 years isn't much of a difference though. Still when you're much younger smaller differences seem larger.
Also we have to be careful about the gift-giving. If what we're giving is of some remarkable value, we tend to begin believing we're owed reciprocity. "I've given you so many wonderful things, you owe me!" That's wrong and can become a major cause of relationship dysfunction. Also it colors our impression of people in both directions. You see it as your younger lover accepting gifts and thus is in a relationship with you, while he may see it as just an older guy who's more desperate to win his affection.
The age difference only comes in in how you may be ready for a more commited relationship than somoene only finishing highschool, whereas you may be thinking living together. Especially if he's boasting of 30 lovers, settling with any 1 may be unrealistic to expect. Sounds like he enjoys having options, and settling down with you would be a loss of those options. No one likes losing options so it rarely works out well. If not ok with his continuing to play with others, you're basicly going to have problems getting a leopard to change its spots as it were.
@closetcase2015,
Loving a guy having 18 years wasn't sounds good.he doesn't have maturity levels that much.but you are going madly about his love this was confusing me.....
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