@enzymhemmung,
I can't offer a full edit, but would suggest aiming for concision. The message could be delivered with fewer words. For instance, "In my opinion, job satisfaction, not salary, is the most important consideration in choosing a career, as a high salary may not compensate for the time spent in a work environment one doesn't enjoy" seems to express the entire content in a single sentence. A thesis statement like this might begin the essay. Support could then come from expanding the fish story, perhaps making it more specific and personal, as in "The case of John, a young man who didn't like the smell of fish but took a job canning fish anyway, illustrates this" (followed by a short story of what happens to John in the factory). Also note that money signs come first in English, i.e. $1000.
Audience requirements-who will read the essay and for what purpose-will decide whether you can make up a story or whether you have to research and find a real-life example. If you invent the story, it's polite to tell your reader this by adding a word: "The hypothetical case of John, a young man..."
That's only my recommendation, and I realize carrying it out in a foreign language is difficult. Best wishes to you.
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