Talking with Young Children about Differences

Oh, sozlet just out and says stuff ALL the time. I've worked with a lot of people with disabilities, and the consensus has generally been, let the kids talk to the people with differences, let the people respond. Everyone's different, of course, but most people I've talked to (and there have been MANY) are more disturbed by parents shushing the kids and hustling them off than by just having an interaction with the kids.

We just had an interaction that set my teeth on edge -- we were waiting in line at a local festival for a rock climbing wall, and there was a Muslim family ahead of us, women with headscarves. Sozlet turned to me and in a loud clear voice (I could tell by reactions) said, "Mama, their faces are FUNNY!" I'm not sure if she meant headscarves or prominent eyebrows (kinda unibrowish.) Anyway, the family reacted great -- they laughed, and talked to her (I didn't see all of what they were saying, but I paid close attention to body language), and they were all best friends in about five minutes.

We know a guy who is a midget -- proportional, but small. She also commented on him a couple of times, "He looks like a BOY!" and he didn't like it much, but stayed civil. We talked about how some people are tall, some people are short, etc., after we got home, and after the first few times she saw him she didn't think twice about it. Now he's just Sean.

I agree with the not shushing them. It is obvious that it is something new to them and they are not trying to be mean. I just felt bad that she laughed at some one for the way they looked. I want to encourage questions from her, but also to be sensitive of others feelings. Even if the woman had over heard my daughter (and who knows maybe she did), I would have answered her the same way.

You should have told her it was actually a Leprechan and if she continued behaving that way then she will be cursed and jinxed for eternity.

On second thought - NAH!

You did the right thing. Taking the time to explain the differences in people.
Soz, you had a sweet story about your little girl and anatomically correct dolls. One was white and one was black. I can't remember all of it but your baby is color-blind, in a good way, and I liked your story alot. Do you remember it?

Here 'tis:

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=14713

Yeah, has a lot to do with this one.

When I was little I had a similar experience, except he did hear me. He had some problem which made his eyes really big, and I said, "Mom, look, that guys got big eyes." She probably got kind of embarrassed and didn't give my discovery enough attention, so I said again, louder, "Mom, he's got great big GOOGLY eyes!"

That's just being a curious kid. My aunt loves to tell the story about me, as a toddler, seeing an obese man. She says that I pointed at him and asked her loudly "Are he fat?"

...and that man went on to found Google.


Seriously, though, my mom is 4' 7 1/2" (and yes, that half-inch matters!). As if that weren't difficult enough, she has a crooked spine, so she walks funny, one hip sticks way out and one shoulder sticks out the other way.

Then, this woman of English & German descent, who was raised on a farm in Wisconsin marries a Chinese man (much loved by her astonished family, btw).

So, she's accustomed to being stared at, is my point.

I know that she has learned to accept (ignore) the stares and whispers, too, I suppose, and also talk to the children who often shyly stare, or innocently state their thought aloud in something akin to a stage whisper.

She doesn't seem to mind, though I guess I should ask her about this--you know--she's always just been "mom" to me. It would seem weird if she were "normal," I guess.

General

I actually like that Leprechaun thing-it's quite funny. Reminds me when my daughter's teacher told the class about the leprechaun myth a few days before St. Patrick's Day. Some children take things so literally. She cried that night, because I would not let her stay up or go outside with her that night with a net to try and catch a leprechaun.

Great link and discussion on differences. Thanks!

So I was thinking about this in terms of disabilities, and then we got into race, but how do I handle THIS one?

We were walking back to our car after going to the beach, and there were two women coming towards us. One woman had some sort of mental impairment -- severe autism, perhaps, I couldn't tell. She had her face scrunched up angrily and was stomping along. The other woman was several paces behind her, struggling to keep up.

As they approached, sozlet got my attention -- I thought she was going to say something like, "that lady is grumpy." Instead, just as the first woman passed and clearly in earshot of both, she said, "Wow, that lady was FAT!!"

The second woman shot me a very angry look as she passed by.

That one was hard to figure out how to handle. My mom, sozlet's grandma, is very overweight, and talks about being fat pretty matter-of-factly. (For example, sozlet might say while sitting on her lap, "I love how soft and mooshy your fat tummy is, grandma!" without compunction or rebuke) But it is undeniably a term of abuse, too.

So I had a little discussion with her about how it makes some people sad if you call them fat. She kind of nodded but didn't look like she really got it, and I didn't press that one. Not sure how I'll follow up.

We taught our children that God made everyone different, but loves weveryone the same.

I like Jim's comment. I agree sozobe, it is difficult to tell if a young child fully understands what you are explaining. The only way I thought of a possible why to explain was to pick out a feature or something she may be sensitive about. If she wears glasses or has been teased about freckles or anything that may be a little different about your daughter. It may be hard as children that young may not have experienced a negative comment about them yet. I tried my daughter's curly hair as most people complement it. I said how would you feel if some one laughed at your curly hair? She still did not seem to get it as no one has ever laughed at her hair.

Yeah.

This one's tricky! 'Cause part of what I guess I've been doing so far is not saying "fat" in a negative way. The word comes up, but just matter-of-factly. So that's part of it -- to get her to understand that some people would be hurt if she calls them fat takes the concept into negativity/ guilt.

I'll put this in the "don't overthink it" file for now, see what happens.

Interesting discussion!

Speaking as a fat person with frequent child exclamation experiences, I'd guess the best way to go is to teach children by example. If you give them rules about what to say and what not to say, it gets very complicated very quickly, and you depend on experiences your child hasn't made yet. But most children are good at learning by example, and they'll get the picture after a few times of your saying "Did you see how that woman reacted when you called her fat? You may want to watch it a little more in the future." I'd expect that teaching your child to be emphatic and learn from people's reactions generally works better than directly instructing them on what to say.