I just want to start by saying that I hate long distance relationships.
My girlfriend and I never intended to have one and in fact decided to just be friends when we realized that we liked each other. An hour and a half drive between us was more than we wanted to deal with. Like turned to love, however, and one day we noticed that we were in a serious relationship despite ourselves.
We're both ok with the way things are right now. We see each other around once a week. It's not enough and weekends are always so far away, but we make do with what we have. It's harder on her than it is on me though.
At the end of the summer our relationship is going to change. She's starting her degree in September. It's at a university 30 hours away by car. She can't change that now, nor would I want her to. It's the best place for her. The only thing missing is me, and I can't follow her there. We have talked about it and made wonderful plans where she completes her schooling there, I get my career started, and four short years from now she returns, we get married, have six kids, and live out the rest of our lives as a bickering couple. A happy dream.
How much of a dream that is, I really don't know. We've been dating for less than six months (though neither of us really knows how long exactly) and four years is a mighty obstacle with such a shallow foundation. Neither of us have had such a deep connection with anybody before and we don't want to let it go. We're both very determined, and most of the time believe that we can make it work.
When I think about it, I'm torn. I was thinking of giving her a promise ring before she leaves. She sees rings as being very special and meaningful. The perfect symbol. My gut feeling is that it's the right thing to do. On the other hand though, she's only 20 and these next four years will make a big difference in her life. Continuing this relationship will cause us both a lot of pain and I'm not sure that it's fair to hold her back. What it comes down to is that I want her to be happy.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to accomplish by posting this here. A fresh perspective, a smack upside the head if I need it, a little bit of advice... who knows. I just feel like I need some guidance.
She's going to college for four years. There's roughly a .00000000001 chance that she'll NOT want to go hooking up with other guys after being there a short while. Yea, for the first month or two you'll talk on the phone alot, and miss each other, then you'll realize it's a waste of time, and she'll be getting drunk at parties with guys hitting on her left and right.
I'd start shopping for my next ex-girlfriend, if I were you.
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Gargamel
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 02:11 pm
I was in a very similar situation almost two years ago. I was with this girl six months, in love, etc. etc.
It didn't work out.
Despite my pessimistic attitudes about long distance relationships, I HAVE seen them work.
In the ones that work, both people in the relationship have satisfying lives apart from each other. Before I moved, neither me nor my girlfriend could stand to be apart for one second. Sick. And we were paranoid as hell.
It is hard for everyone, it is never easy, and I don't know you or your girlfriend. But the fact that you have experience an hour and a half away from each other, and therefore HAVE to have your own lives apart from each other, seems like an advantage.
Good luck buddy, seriously.
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dagmaraka
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 02:12 pm
Falkir, me and my man been through that. We live together now. I was not only away, I was in another country. Faaaaar away. We had two breaks, but kept in touch all that time. I was the 20 year old one, he was 26 when we met. I am 28 now. I think it helped that I was so young - i was soooo in love, i was certainly not considering hooking up with other guys. and there were situtations when i could fail, quite a few times. i always thought of my man and could not go ahead. i sincerely wish the same to the two of you. peux ce que veux...
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Slappy Doo Hoo
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 02:17 pm
Has anyone else here gone to college, or lived on campus before? So many kids have girlfriends/boyfriends when they start. It's sounds all nice and lovely before school starts, that'll you'll stay together, but she's going to be surrounded by tons and tons of guys her own age, and you're barely going to see each other for a long time...chances are very slim, just looking at it realistically.
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jespah
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 02:23 pm
Long distance relationships are inherently difficult. And, like Slappy says, we're talking college here - the land of the hookup. Even if she wants to be faithful and makes her best efforts, we are talking about a lot of temptations and a lot of opportunities. There are going to be a lot of guys talking to her, hanging out with her, studying with her, etc. This is perfectly normal, and if you give her a ring now she may very well resent what could be (to my mind, at least) a tether on her.
I mean, what is the intent beyond the promise ring? Is it, let's get married, or is it Hands off my woman? If it's let's get married, why mess around with a promise ring? Why not just give her an engagement ring? And if it's Hands off my woman, well, she's not your property, and the implication may bother her.
When I started Law School, I was in a long distance relationship with my college boyfriend. The relationship was already winding down and, hell, I was quite a flirt when I was that age, and pretty soon I wasn't thinking of my college boyfriend anymore. I realized I had to break up with him, and made up to meet him in December. I figured it would be nice to do it in person (we'd been going out over a year before I started Law School; it was fairly serious). In November, he called me and broke up. We met again years later, after I was engaged to the man who is now my husband, and neither of us talked about it, but it was obvious that going our separate ways was a smart choice for us. I'm not saying it will be for you, of course.
Now - the way I see it, you have a few options:
1) promise ring, but really think about why you want one
2) engagement ring - have you talked marriage, BTW?
3) no ring, just trust her (hey, what a concept!)
4) make sure you can move to where she's going to college
5) break up now
I think, if you really want her to be happy - and I mean really - you'll talk to her and see which one she wants. She may surprise you, and the surprise may be a good one or a bad one, but I think a talk is in order right about now.
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Linkat
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 02:24 pm
I have had experience with both. Going off to college and leaving behind a boyfriend whom I said I would visit every weekend or him visit me. And a long distant romance where the distance between us was over 2,000 miles.
The college relationship soon fell apart and the long distant relationship resulted in a marriage. Both situations are very difficult. To be honest if you do really love one another you can make almost any situation work. The problem with the college relationship was quite honestly that I was too young. That age when you go to college, your late teens/early twenties is when you tend to change a lot. For most, it is their first time living away from parents. I am not saying it cannot work, but like slappy says, the chances are small.
I would suggest not giving her a promise ring (at least not at this point), stay in touch however it feels comfortable for you both and see how it goes. The time away, even if you both decide to date other people, may actually show that you do want to remain together.
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SueZCue
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 02:24 pm
I agree with the masses here. These relationships never work out, plus you've only been together for six months. Hardly enough time to know if she's right for you. Let it go. Sounds like youi're very young and you have lots of time to plan for eternity. Time to move on.
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Gargamel
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 02:34 pm
Give it a shot.
If you give it up because it didn't work out for other people that's insane. People told me that it wasn't going to work for me, and they were absolutely right. But there was no way in hell I could have understood WHY, without blindly taking their word for it, until I went through it. You learn a lot. I learned how to smoke two packs a day. Okay but I've quit now, and I've got a new girl, and life goes on, and going through bullsh*t inherent in long distance relationships can teach you a lot for the next one.
There's nothing to lose, except your mind for a little while.
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Falkir
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 03:49 pm
I've tried to write a reply twice now and then realized that I wasn't really saying anything. Each time I've spiralled quickly to a simple and obvious conclusion.
I have talked with her about it and she believes that we can do it. It isn't really fair to rob her of the opportunity to try. Particularly after some of what we've been through.
On Jespah's list, that takes care of number #5.
#2 isn't something that I'd feel right doing, as I would want our engagement to be more intimate rather than four years connected by a phone line.
#4 is a difficult one. I won't put my own life on hold to be close to her, so the closest that I could get to her is an hour and a half drive away, ironically enough. It's an idea, and one that we've actually talked about.
Finally, there's #1 and #3. To me, they're quite close to being the same. The ring would be a symbol of our promise about the engagement when she gets back. It's something that she could resent or it could be a comfort for her when I can't be around.
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dagmaraka
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 05:08 pm
Sounds like you are determined enough. That's half the battle already. I was in college and in a long distance relationship and I made it. so don't believe those despicable cynics here that it's not possible. I came to college to the U.S. to be closer to my man. He was in North Carolina and I in upstate New York. It was a god-sent to be able to see him once a month or so instead of once in 6 months, as the year before. Trust is almost another half of the battle. When you start speculating what the other one's doing and jealousy creeps in, it's all over. What gargamel said is very true - your own life has to be full and happy, then it can work. so definitely don't sacrifice anything that would make you regret the whole relationship one day. but it seems to me you have a clear head and are going the right direction already. all we can do is wish you well.
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jespah
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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 05:17 pm
Since you've discussed this, and you both want to continue your relationship, that's obviously a big part of whatever happens. My husband and I were engaged for a long time (over 2 1/2 years), but we were living together so it was easier. I don't want to rush you, but that's often the next step when a couple is at the stage you're at - more togetherness. Unfortunately, circumstances dictate that you're going to have less togetherness.
Understood about not wanting to put your own life on hold - but what's happening is that both of your lives are on hold. Is this really the absolute best place for her to be going to college? Far be it from me to dissuade someone from college, but unless it's the #1 place for her, there are transfer options which might be closer to home. And, a lot of colleges (they won't tell you this, but it's true) are very similar. While they're not interchangeable, if it's UConn vs. UMass. (for example), it's not going to matter too much either way. I don't know where you are so of course I can't say for sure. But unless she's off to an Ivy League school or a top school for her field (could be the Culinary Institute of America, if she wants to be a chef, for example), or a place where she has a 100% free ride scholarship for all 4 years, she might be able to swing going to a closer school. It would certainly help things.
But you'll probably have to bend, too. This is a big part of marriage - compromise. Like I said, I understand about this rock and a hard place you have here, but you both may need to be creative and try to explore whatever options you have if you want this to work.
Also, in the vein of exploring your options, why drive? Why not take a train (if available) or fly? Flights are getting cheaper all the time - perhaps the way you bend could be by earning extra cash so that you can afford the occasional ticket.
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lab rat
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Thu 1 Jul, 2004 07:55 am
Sometimes long distances can strengthen a relationship. When my wife and I began dating, we were both in grad school. She graduated first and moved a few hours away to start a job while I finished my Ph.D. This helped our relationship in a few ways; for starters, for a long distance relationship to survive, the two of you must have or develop good communication skills. Good communication skills are critical to marriage, so strengthening them now will help you if this relationship goes long term. Also, when we were closer together, a lot of our focus was on "tangibles" like what the other person was wearing, what we were going to do that night, etc. When your relationship is long distance, the focus is drawn more to your conversations--what the other person is thinking/feeling, how her day went, etc.
That's all to say I think you should go for it. It may be hard, and it might not work out, but since you know that up front, what have you got to lose? It's better to try than to always wonder if maybe it would have worked.
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sozobe
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Thu 1 Jul, 2004 08:04 am
Falkir wrote:
I have talked with her about it and she believes that we can do it. It isn't really fair to rob her of the opportunity to try. Particularly after some of what we've been through.
This is an interesting comment. I think it might show the direction you want to go -- no tethers, but no deciding ahead of time that it can't work so you're calling it off. Then if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's the same result but with less what-if's...
(Signed, another one who had a super-long distance relationship after only a few months together -- he was in America, I was in Europe -- although in our case, we were only apart six months. Been together a dozen years.)
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Setanta
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Thu 1 Jul, 2004 08:07 am
My sweetiepie and i have been together for almost four years now. According to map quest, it is 428 miles from her house to my house. I have frequently driven that distance in under seven hours. It's about twenty minutes from my house to long-term parking at the airport.
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Juliett84
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Fri 2 Jul, 2004 12:50 am
I do not know if you have ever been in love previous to your current relationship, but if you have, was it anywhere near as deep and emotional as you feel right now? If not, then here is what I propose to you; Do not deny yourself of keeping a closeness with such a special person - whether keeping in touch or getting engaged is something you both should agree upon asap. Now, like any human being, you're body and your heart will eventually want different things; the same thing you "feed" your body, you "feed" differently to your soul. If you decide to be friends, you WILL grow apart. This is inevitable b/c while "distance makes the heart grow fonder", emotionally you are just gonna wear yourself down. It is apparent that you not only love this person with heart but with your mind as well; most fools that fall in love just do so with their heart, hence why they are fools. If she is worth this entire emotional battle, then she should be worthy enough for you to commit yourself to her. If you have any sliver of a doubt that this might not work out, then your subconscious is trying to tell you something; Love brings the same amount of joy that it brings pain because you don't "fall in love" you just lose all your defenses.......of course I could just be full of crap but I just though I would give it a whirl from my spinning blender of a mind.....
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