ok so I met this great guy. we had been seeing each other for about a month. Well last night he calls and ended things. It really caught me off guard because things had been going really well. I had asked why he was doing this and his said that it was because he couldn’t see “long term” with me. We talked more about it and his ultimate excuse was that he wanted someone a little but more established in their career and i guess on the same part of life as him. (i’m 22 graduating in December, he’s 26 with an established career).
This really thru me off because emotionally and mentally we are on the same level and i just couldn’t get why he would end it because finically we’re not on the same level.
He then explained more on that he didn’t want to risk his time. He didn’t wanna date and have it not work out and he have wasted time and have to start over.
After he told me all this I did understand that these are all rational things to be concerned about, but they shouldn’t affect us…
the way i saw it was that this is the type of decision that you make like 3 months or more into it when you know the person a little but more. We are still in the getting to know each other so this decision seemed a little to premature. I told him this.
He then later went on talking about his exs and how he started to feel pressure between us. That the more we started to act like we were in a relationship the more he felt he had to make this decision.
I then went on to say that he should have talked to me about the pressure. That we can take a step back. I even knew that things were moving a little faster than they should have. I just didn’t think it was that big of an issue only because he didn’t seem to mind.
Well anyways after talk about it all I came to the conclusion that the whole not being in the same point finically in life was not the real reason. I started to think that its actaully because he got scared. Scared about letting me in and being possbibly let down like his exs
i straight up told him that this is what i thought and that he is making a mistake. That he was jumping the gun on this type of decision. that he was over analyzing it way too much when we should be focusing on getting to know each other. I kept saying with confidence that this was a mistake and he knows it.
We have an amazing connection and I know that he feels the same way to. I keep thinking about everything that has gone on and there are so many things that you don't just do or say if you didn't feel for that person.
This month with his been amazing with him. The way i feels about him is a way i haven't felt about anyone before. Every guy i've dated there was always some insecurity or always that one catch with them. But with this guy I felt so sure. For once i felt confidant in this potential. I never worried once.
and thats huge for me. I've been thru the worst possible relationship so usually i'm pretty skeptic, but not with him
Well anyways back to why i'm here...
I want him back.
When we were parting ways after our talk I told him that he is making a mistake. That we are good for each other. I am good for him and that our connection is real. He said maybe he is making a mistake but he needs space and time to breath. He also said he can't garuentee that he'll change his mind but he just needs time.
i know i need to give him the space he wants, i just need advice on how to "get him back" once that good amount of space has been given. please help
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system. Huh.
I don't know. The guy sounds a little flaky. His reasoning is as suspect as you think it is. Why is he making excuses to not be together, if things are as great as you say they are?
If it's a ploy to get you to wait for him, and to test your loyalty, then it's a lousy thing to do. If it's a desire to sow wild oats for a while longer, well, I can't completely have a problem with it (I think most couples would do well to not get exclusive for at least 3 months or so) so long as he wears a condom and protects both of you and any partners he might have during that time period.
Or maybe, like you said, he's freaked out at the prospect of together forever and permanence, etc. At age 26, he isn't necessarily ready to settle down, even if it's right, but at least he's not 18, when the odds would be even worse that he'd be ready.
How to get him back? Be kind but live your life, I'd say. Have fun with your friends, your family, and yes, date others if the opportunity arises. What the hell. You might meet someone you like better, and have a better connection with. You might not.
And don't date others in order to 'get him jealous'. Do it because you want to (if you do want to)! But the gist of what I'm saying is, don't wait and don't sit by the telephone, pining away.
Go out and be bold, and live your life. Have so much fun and so many interesting experiences that any fellow would be glad to be a part of it all. He might be one of those fellows. He might not. But in the meantime, go parasailing or visit Peru or do stand up or whatever. Be happy, be interesting, and be busy.
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chai2
2
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Thu 21 May, 2015 07:12 pm
wow jes.
I'm seeing this from an entirely different angle, but with the same end result of get on with your life and live it.
The guy doesn't sound flaky from where I stand. In fact it sound like he's treated the OP with a lot more kindness and respect in their last conversation than I would have.
You don't "get" someone back like you're going out and capturing your dog who ran off.
He didn't give "excuses" as to why he didn't want to continue seeing you. He have his reasons. Regardless of if you liked those reasons or not.
It's not up to you to determine how long is appropriate to go out before you decide you don't want to continue. Either party can end it whenever they want, be it one day, one month or one year.
You're under the belief that he's been so happy and it's been the best and so forth.....but obviously, for him, it's not.
If he wants to reconsider seeing you, it's up to him, not you. He knows how to reach you.
In the meantime, maybe you'll find someone else who you can tell how they feel.
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