Why do i feel in adequate

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I have been with my partner for 1yr. we live together & are happy.

He has been with 100+ women with no relationships before us.

I have been in relationships no casual sex at all, and a very small number of relationships, so not many sexual partners.

his past bothers me, he has been so free sexually, i haven not. I feel i need this before i can commit myself completely.

he works away right now. I'm going to America for 2 months. iv always wanted to & planned on doing it single

I guess the perfect man came along to early and i am not ready to give up on my desire to be free sexually, even just for a short while.

I know this is immoral & i wont get fulfillment from sex but i think i need to do this. I just feel this is something i have to try.

Talking with him wont help, who wants to hear their partner wants casual sex, he expects a monogamous relationship, rightly so. it would break my heart to hear he cheated on me but id rather not know & be unaware as long as he was safe and wouldn't do it again. We are quite a new relationship

I have mentioned that I am going away to do my own thing and i need to learn how to be independent. I have asked for time and said that once i am back we can make a real go of it but i do not think he understands what i am saying & i don't want to say anymore on the matter. I have asked for time and for him to wait for me if he can but said that if he does not want to then i understand but i think he thinks that this just means i will be away in America & that i want to keep the relationship. I have had some conversations like this with him.

I do not deserve him or his love

I will feel immense guilt and hate myself, i already do just for feeling like this. but will i not resent myself if i never experience something i want to?

I know i can not have my cake & eat it but once i have tried this i will commit myself fully to us and our future, i just need to know or i will continue to be confused and unhappy. My moodiness has already taken its toll on us along with the work arrangements.

I feel i have missed out (due to social stigmas & very strict upbringing where sex was the devil, even if married)
I am happy with our sex life this is NOT about us and has nothing to do with him as a person. This is about ME. some will say i don't love him or that we must have flaws but i do & we don't.

Has anyone been in this situation before? I don't know if i could do it but i think i want to, how will i live with myself?

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Wow, that happened to me once.

1 Reply

@glitterbag,

What did you do?

1 Reply

@Tialou,

So, let me get this straight: your current boyfriend is not your first lover, you've had several others before him, right?
Why do you feel the need to compete with your boyfriend to encounter in casual sex?
You seem to have low self esteem and encouraging casual sex will not satisfy you, on the contrary. It's a fatal cocktail that will leave a major hangover.

Who cares what your partner or yourself did before you met - your life with him starts the day you got together. Forget everything that happened prior, it
should not be a concern of yours.

Consider yourself lucky that you have found someone you're compatible with and you love. As for casual sex - go and see "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" .

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

I understand your point and thank you for the comment. For me it isnt about the past. Its the fact that i have always wanted to try it and i feel i need to in order to fulfill a need. It isnt about anything other then wanting an experience i have not had but have always wanted. How can i deny myself that?

1 Reply

@Tialou,

Very easily! However, you have to be mature enough to do so.
It's part of growing up to realize that you cannot have everything you want and you can deny yourself these things in order to not hurt your partner.

In all honesty, I think you're not ready for a commitment. You want to have your cake and eat it too! Life rarely works this way. You have choices in life, if you make the wrong one, you have to live with it. Be honest to your partner and tell him that you want to explore other sexual experiences and let him
decide if he's okay with that or not. At least be a grown up here!

1 Reply

@Tialou,

Tialou wrote:

What did you do?

The unicorns convinced me it would be a poor choice, so I sobered up and gave up on silly notions. Im much happier now.

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@CalamityJane,

But i have had discussions with him about how i feel, he says that he doesnt like hearing it, rightly so.

I know i cant have my cake and eat it but surely this time away is not having my cake and eating it. Its taking time away and telling my partner that if he does not want to wait for me to figure things out then i accept that.

I have taken all of the correct steps here to be honest but i still feel so guilty

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Why do i feel in adequate

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