Tue 29 Jun, 2004 11:01 am
Inspired by the Sequel to The Passion of the Christ
topic, I propose sequels to all sorts of films which, for whatever reason (such as good taste) were never given the Hollywood sequel treatment. Please add reviews, if you like.
Elliott and Gertie (a considerably older Henry Thomas and a no longer little girlish Drew Barrymore) complain about, but cannot seem to find, a solution to their problems with intergalactic telemarketers.
Ebert: Kinda gives new meaning to the scene where Gertie dresses up ET, if yanno what I mean.
Roeper: Oh, God.
THE BELIEVER II: SUPERJEW
Self-hating neo-Nazi Jew Danny Balint had a catharsis at the end of The Believer, where he realized the depth of his true faith just before being killed in a synagogue bombing he had orchestrated.
That's where The Believer II: Superjew begins. Danny awakes in a strange purgatory. A ghostly figure approaches him. "Danny, I am Yeshua Jo-Rel, and I have the power to return you to life, if only you decide to use your faith for good, and not evil."
Danny says "Aren't you Superman's dad?"
"Yes Danny, I am. I'll bet you never knew that we celebrated Sabbath on Krypton."
"My faith has been restored. What shall become of me?"
"Put on this suit and cape, and you will posess all the powers of my son. Go back into the world and fight racism and evil to redeem yourself."
"What does the red 'S' stand for?"
"Star of David, you moron."
Ebert: While I think the original was more thought provoking, this was a good romp, and I especially liked the final battle between Superjew and Hitler's Brain.
Roeper: Did you forget your meds again?
Casablanca II - Rated X
Rick and Louie realize there's more to their "beautiful friendship", which began at the end of the original film.
Roeper: The scene where Louis first dresses up like Ilse is pretty shocking.
Ebert: You're telling me! Ingrid Bergman never had that kind of a moustache.
My Dinner With Andre II: The Late Night Scene
After dessert and coffee, Andre and Wally share a moment. Andre leans in close and asks Wally "Have you ever been to gay leather bar?"
Wally, less talkative, just smiles.
Andre says "Cheque please!"
Ebert: Well, this was certainly more entertaining than the first film.
Roeper: I agree, and the costumes were fantastic.
Gone With the Wind II
Mammy trips over Scarlett, who is still sitting and crying on the big staircase after Rhett's departure. The fall causes Mammy to break her ankle. She sues and receives Tara in the settlement. Scarlett and Ashley share a moment while washing Mammy's dishes, but are interrupted by Prissy who accuses them of not properly polishing the silver.
Roeper: I thought the scene where Rhett hits on Mammy was very credible.
Hey, I thing we did wring "Passion" dry so this is a worthy successor, Jesp. Deserves to be a featured topic!! (Give me a day).
A documentary by George W. Bush II to explain why he lost the election in which he uses footage from Michael Moore's earlier documentary of people lining up at the box office. There's extensive footage of the Simpsons pigging out on pretzels and Michael Eisner dining out on crow.
Ebert: He reveals he can't chew gum and make a movie at the same time.
Roeper: He goes over-the-top with the footage of Michael Moore going on a diet and becoming anorexic.
Super-Duper Size Me
Morgan Spurlock returns to McD's and then visits every other fast food joint in New York for a trip down heart attack alley. He becomes very, very large, and is featured in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade as a float.
Roeper: Good thing he didn't deflate!
Ebert: Oh the horror, the horror!
PS thanks, LW :-D
Charlies Angels: Full Frontal Nudity
Terminator 4 - though it'll probably come out!
Collateral Damage 2 - Great original movie, would love a sequel!
Some Like it Hot II - Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon join Wesley Snipes, Patrick Swayze and Terrence Stamp for a trip to Oz to make over a bunch of heteros and turn them into hip love machines. Also called Priscilla, Queen of the Desert II and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: the Movie.
Ebert: I had no idea socks with sandals was such a fashion faux pas!
Roeper: Roger, leisures suits are also out. Damn!
Brimstone -- this is a satirical humor thread in making up your own crazy sequels and a scenerio, like:
The Terminator returns from the future to hunt down Ahnold as being responsible for wrecking the future.
Ebert: It's really confusing trying to figure out which one is the real Terminator.
Roeper: An exercise in futility -- the car chase including a dump truck that swallows up a Voltsvagen.
Showgirls II: From The Unkempt, Hellishly Unattractive, and Perverted European Men Who Brought You Showgirls....Literally.
That's right folks, we're talking about a line-for-line, shot-by-shot, dollar-for-dollar remake of the original Showgirls, only this time the filmmakers themselves come from behind the camera to tell the story of an idealistic, aging man who dreams of being a Las Vegas Showgirl.
Paul Verhoeven, 64, Dutch, director/lead ("Nomi"): Grayish hair that's always a mess, sagging jowels that make him look more like an old Jewish woman than Billy Crystal, not to mention the still-thick Dutch accent and the dried saliva that formulates at the corners of his mouth. But oh those pearly whites look so purrtty as he once again slaughters the letter "w". Watch Paulie V. strip, suck, and sniff his way up that Haunting Las Vegas Fame Ladder of Broken Glass, allowing nothing to get in his way.
Joe Eszterhas, 59, Hungarian, screenwriter/lead ("Cristal): Bearish, bearded, and even more of a mess, with his box tan, lined-up-and-down sag skin that leads one to think that Leatherface has come to live and retired to Malbu, not to mention the cancerous cigarette voice and the "I'm not talentless! You are! You Communist!" come-and-get-me egotism. Watch Joey try to hold on to this spot as the enduring lead of the Stardust Hotel's action-packed show, allowing no Dutchman to steal his spot away.
Watch these two overweight and generationally-misplaced European men go toe-to-toe for all the marbles: Fame, glory, and the streets of Las Vegas.
Joe: You have nice tits. I like nice tits.
Paul: I like having nice tits, ja?
Cut to Paul flashing those pearly whites and sagging man-breasts as he hurls his fat, wrinkled carcass onto a silver pole at the Cheetah, while lasciviously licking his gnarled finger for all of the Japanese onlookers.
Cut to Joe in a skin-tight leopard, cat suit that barely displaces the beer gut and the white chest hair, as he seductively eyes the young hothead who may take his place as the star of Goddess.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the show is about to begin. Leave all inhibitions at the door.
(I'm still waiting for Buckaroo Banzai vs. the World Crime League...)
Death Race 2004
Frankenstein (played by Dick Cheney) races through the streets in a souped-up American-made (of course) car, mowing down undecided voters as he goes.
Roeper: Brilliant! I love how all of the scenes were shot in Florida!
Ebert: Uh, that's because many of the residents move slowly enough to be, er, um, to have their, uh, scores register.
Roeper: Good save on the political correctness score, Rog.
Ebert: Thanks, I've been working on that.
Remo Williams: The Adventure Finally Really Does Continue
An aging Remo Williams returns to the big screen when he realizes that his new identity can't collect the pension from his former police job. From deadly Geritol flinging to walkering across water, Remo Williams takes the town to task!
D^2: Donnie Gets Darker
Donnie Brasco goes undercover in Suburbia in order to get to the center of the mysterious death of a local teen only to find himself face to face with Donnie Darko and his army of undead furries.
Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season
'nuff said (thanks Kevin)
Catwoman 2: Tomorrow Never Learns
Impossible to explain plot because there isn't one. But lots more close ups of Halle Berry and action shots of her male stunt double littered with CGI again. Oh, and the costume is changed a bit.
American Beauty School
The daughter in American Beauty who runs away from home with her enigmatic boyfriend enrolls in Beauty School using the money her boyfriend makes selling drugs. Hilarity ensues. Kevin Spacey still dead.
Weekend at Bernies III: Long Weekend
10 years may have passed but the hijinks continue!
Pluto Nash II
...no, I can't do it.
Mary Kate & Ashley: Cumming of Age
Heh heh, limbodog has inspired me.
Catwoman III: This Time it's Personal
Julie Newmar comes out of hiding to tell Halle Berry that she is not the real Catwoman, just an insane biological experiment when Julie and Eartha Kitt were having a relationship, and wanted a kid. Batman reluctantly offered to help them, seeing as how he had affairs with both. Watch the hot violent lesbo action as all three women battle it out in therapy.
Bruce Willis goes back in time too far and meets a very young Brad Pitt, played by Haley Joel Osment.
"Even I saw dead people!" - Ebert
"Roger, I think you need to clean your glasses." - Roeper