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fiancé has moved in his ex stepson

 
 
needy00
 
Reply Mon 4 May, 2015 07:03 pm
We've been together for 4 years and children from previous relationships we have custody of. Recently my fiancé's ex stepson has pretty much moved in on our couch. He's graduated without a job and is here playing video games in our living room all hours of the night. I've asked my fiancé to ask him to stop staying all night cause he has a home, but he wont. He says he's his son and bestfriend. It is interfering with our kis, our relationship, and I'd plainly like my couch back. Am I insensitive to him being here, or should I be ready to pack if things don't change?
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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 1,290 • Replies: 7
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 May, 2015 07:22 pm
@needy00,
needy00 wrote:
Recently my fiancé's ex stepson has pretty much moved in on our couch.

He says he's his son and bestfriend.


I think you've not taken into account that most people don't end their relationships with children once romantic relationships end.

The young man is not an ex stepson - he truly is your fiance's son.

You and your fiance will need to sit down seriously and decide what you - as a couple - see as a long-term plan for your combined families - including this son.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 May, 2015 05:57 am
He's on your couch because he cant do this at his other house. Someone probably put their foot down - dontcha think?

Your husband must put some kind of parameters on the number of hours he spends at your house and nighttime activity at the house. (Lights out and quiet at 11?)

You would do this if he were your own son.

(PS Is your husband gaming with him, too?)
needy00
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 May, 2015 07:36 am
@PUNKEY,
He games with him till about 10 or so, but I go in most nights and ask him to turn it down or off, which he chooses down. It started he was coming when him and his new step dad would get into it. (Last time it was because he wasn't allowed to use the 4wheeler) then it became more frequent until he just leaves on weekend so he can take his girlfriend to his mom's to stay.

I think you hit the nail on the head. I don't mind him staying, but it's the difference in we have 6 other kids that have strict rules and chores. Is it too much for me to ask for him to help out or get a job? My fiancé is touchy with him because raising him he had no say in rules or discipline, so I don't want to cross any boundries. Let me add he CAN NOT tell him no, so I'm more of a third wheel when he's here. If he was my kid at 19, he'd be getting a job and paying a minimum rent here. Is that too much to ask? Also do you feel it should come from him, or would it be OK coming from me? This is so new to me because he hasn't been my responsibility for the last 4 years. It was, and still is hard enough blending his 4 adopted kids with my 2.
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 May, 2015 07:45 am
Sounds like this kid is running two homes. It also sounds like he's never had any male discipline, so he disregards adults and others in the home. He does not recognize the "alpha male" in the house, because there probably has never been one.

Unless you husband is willing to step up and establish rules, this will go on. (Believe me, I have a 25 year old nephew and 20 year old grandson - they will push it to the limit). So it's : "Dude, ya gotta shut down the games at 11. The household has to rest. That's the rules."

But don't bet that your husband will do this.

Have you talked to the ex and her husband about what to do with this kid who is running your homes?


needy00
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 May, 2015 07:53 am
@PUNKEY,
Well she calls to see if he's here and we've discussed some things, but all I know is she wants him to get a job. She's not forceful either. I know if I don't put an end to things now it's going to trickle down to the other kids. Or heaven forbid he's still here when he's 30.
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maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Tue 5 May, 2015 07:58 am
@ehBeth,
I agree with EhBeth.

There is an important relationship between the fiance and the stepson. If you are going to marry him, you have to accept this. You don't have the right to get in the way of this relationship. It isn't your role to judge this or to interfere.

Accept that this stepson is an important part of your fiance's life. Then sit down respectfully and talk about how you can make your relationship work well.

If you and your fiance can't accept each other as you are, then yes, you should call it off and move on.
0 Replies
 
EllaGrace
 
  0  
Reply Tue 19 May, 2015 03:22 am
I think you should talk to your husband about this situation and that you can't accept it anymore.
He then needs to tell his son (yes, he is his son) the rules of the house and that it is not acceptable that he is thre all night gaming on your couch.
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