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Relationship Advice Needed

 
 
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2015 02:09 pm
Dear Readers,
I have been dating my boyfriend for approximately seven months. From the very beginning of our relationship, I noticed some personality traits, history and behavior that I didn't feel good about. For instance: He had previous jail time for misdemeanors. He seemed a bit impulsive and appeared to not be able to manage his money well. During the initial stages of our relationship he was on depression medication although he is no longer on them. Over all what didn't feel good was when he would share stories with me about his drug and alcohol use in the past. I noticed he is not able to cope with conflict. He seems moody however, he does not take his moodiness out on me he simply becomes quite. He hasn't become angry at me but I have seen that he has had/still has some anger issues. He recently asked me to manage his pay every week cause he doesn't trust him self with money. He's okay with me having his whole pay check as long as the bills are paid. He can't manage his money AND there's something about him that makes my gut feel like I can't fully trust him even though my family and friends think and feel that he is a one woman man. I don't know if it's because he can be spontaneous and unpredictable some-times and suffers from anxiety or if my gut is picking up on something bigger like the fact that he may potentially betray me some day. If it helps, I'll add that even though I am a pretty calm person I do suffer from "worry mentality" and some "anxiety" as well. In fact, because of my child hood I have identified why it feels right to be with some-one stable and or secure it feels safe internally for me. If that makes sense?
Also he has ADD Smile
On the bright side, since I don't want to cloud your judgement with all this negativity, he is caring, shares, gives me everything he can in order to make me feel happy, he is also the type of person that will take the shirt of his back to help me. He recently had me pick out a car and agreed to make all the payments for me since my old car was falling apart. He has aknowledged his issues from the past and says he is done with that and wants to live a peaceful, happy life. He's handsome although I'm not a huge fan of tattoos all over his body but that's not a deal breaker to me.
and he is willing to work through any issues we have in fact he said so him self.
He doesn't plan to pursue a higher education although he has a steady job as a mechanic. I, on the other hand, am in College and pursuing my passion and life goals. My family likes him and thinks he is a very sweet and caring man. However, there are two individuals in my family that mentioned. My cousin mentioned that she didn't expect me to be with a guy like him, she thought I would end up with a more clean cut guy even though he seems nice. MY aunt feels that even though he is nice im settling and could do way better.
What do i wish ?
I wish he had a stronger personality versus one that's easily influenced and simply goes with the flow. I wish he was like me and wanted to pursue bigger life goals. I wish he was more stable and less anxious.
So with this in mind, what do you think?
Am I being too picky or too judge mental?
Should I strictly follow my intuition?
Is this seriously worth a try ?
I need to figure this out before more time passes. I care about him but I'm already 26 and really don't want to waste my time any-more with relationships that are going no where or a relationship that I don't feel has the potential to last a life time Wink
Please help.
Thanks!
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Type: Question • Score: 9 • Views: 906 • Replies: 15
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2015 02:21 pm
@LiveLoughLaugh24,
First I have to break this down so I can read it.

Dear Readers,
I have been dating my boyfriend for approximately seven months. From the very beginning of our relationship, I noticed some personality traits, history and behavior that I didn't feel good about.

For instance: He had previous jail time for misdemeanors. He seemed a bit impulsive and appeared to not be able to manage his money well. During the initial stages of our relationship he was on depression medication although he is no longer on them. Over all what didn't feel good was when he would share stories with me about his drug and alcohol use in the past.

I noticed he is not able to cope with conflict. He seems moody however, he does not take his moodiness out on me he simply becomes quite. He hasn't become angry at me but I have seen that he has had/still has some anger issues. He recently asked me to manage his pay every week cause he doesn't trust him self with money. He's okay with me having his whole pay check as long as the bills are paid. He can't manage his money AND there's something about him that makes my gut feel like I can't fully trust him even though my family and friends think and feel that he is a one woman man.

I don't know if it's because he can be spontaneous and unpredictable some-times and suffers from anxiety or if my gut is picking up on something bigger like the fact that he may potentially betray me some day. If it helps, I'll add that even though I am a pretty calm person I do suffer from "worry mentality" and some "anxiety" as well. In fact, because of my child hood I have identified why it feels right to be with some-one stable and or secure it feels safe internally for me. If that makes sense?
Also he has ADD



This is a troubled guy in a lot of ways and you are worried he will eventually betray you?

As an outsider, I'm more worried about how to help him.
To me, it doesn't seem like you are taking advantage of him, from what you say, but it will seem so to many.

Why are you looking at him as a long time partner?
LiveLoughLaugh24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2015 02:31 pm
@ossobuco,
Well to answer your question, at first I saw long term potential in him (looking at his character and not his circumstances) but as time has gone by I'm beginning to worry and feel anxious my-self.

I have given him a chance because when we met, it wasn't exactly perfect timing for him. He was still getting his stuff together and has gotten better.

I'm confused and don't know what to do. I know I have some "issues" as well so I try to be understanding about his and give him his time and be patient.

I don't know what to do at this point but I do know I don't want to waste time on something that is not going to be forever.

He wants to have forever with me. In fact, he has bought me a promise ring. If it weren't for all the things I described in the article I'd feel safe to say I want to spend forever with him too. Right now, though, since I'm worried. It's iffy. I'd think twice before walking down the isle.

As far as his niceness, I'd never take that for granted or use him. I appreciate his kindness. Especially having dated some-one who was selfish and uncaring in the past.
0 Replies
 
LiveLoughLaugh24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2015 02:31 pm
@ossobuco,
Well to answer your question, at first I saw long term potential in him (looking at his character and not his circumstances) but as time has gone by I'm beginning to worry and feel anxious my-self.

I have given him a chance because when we met, it wasn't exactly perfect timing for him. He was still getting his stuff together and has gotten better.

I'm confused and don't know what to do. I know I have some "issues" as well so I try to be understanding about his and give him his time and be patient.

I don't know what to do at this point but I do know I don't want to waste time on something that is not going to be forever.

He wants to have forever with me. In fact, he has bought me a promise ring. If it weren't for all the things I described in the article I'd feel safe to say I want to spend forever with him too. Right now, though, since I'm worried. It's iffy. I'd think twice before walking down the isle.

As far as his niceness, I'd never take that for granted or use him. I appreciate his kindness. Especially having dated some-one who was selfish and uncaring in the past.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2015 03:08 pm
And so he's a re-bound? 180 degrees from your former love?

Only he's EXAGGERATED, too.

Re-read your own post!!

You don't say how old you are, but 5 months is nothing in the long scheme of things.

Keep your distance from him. Hold him away from your heart. He will exhaust you, 'cause that's what those kinds of guys do.

See if he can make those car payments, too. (If he's making the payments, then it's HIS car and HIS credit. You say he can't even handle money, yet you go into an arrangement where he has difficulty being responsible.)


FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Apr, 2015 03:44 pm
@LiveLoughLaugh24,
No one is perfect, everyone has faults.

I feel that your two family members are judgemental as one in particular, your cousin is viewing him on the outside not the inside. The other feels that you are settling because you are 26 and he has no passions.

Ultimately regarding the above, you are 26. You must make your own decisions in life not allow others to influence you.

There are some key ingredients in a "good, solid relationship".. Core values is one of them, morals another, respect and love another, laughter another.

One of your main concerns is his non passion for a career but not everyone wants one. Some are happy in life doing what they know, being paid for doing it. I don't know but some guys LOVE CARS and maybe that's the passion you are missing in him? Money isn't important to everyone.

Sounds as if you both have issues and are trying to deal with them. If you feel that he is bringing out your issues more and more, then you have to ask yourself if this will continue or if it will settle down as 7 months isn't a long time.

Promise rings at 7 months is "ok" but you really need to be with someone for a good couple of years before you know them enough to see a future.

I think it's early days, UNLESS you are using this post as your tick box of likes and dislikes and the dislikes out way the likes and you want confirmation of that.

If so you know your answer.

If not, give it another 5 and see how you feel in totality.

You are still young.
LiveLoughLaugh24
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 May, 2015 10:20 am
@PUNKEY,
He's not a rebound. Although, it may have appeared that way from my post :/

As for the car payments, yes, he is making those payments BUT the title is under my name and it's under my credit score. I felt that would be the smartest thing to do. When I first bought the car, I was thinking about the future...just in case;)

Guard my heart!? Oh, for sure. I mean, I give him some (can't be selfish either) HOWEVER he needs to earn it by proving him self which in his case will take time. As of now I don't feel it's worth the total heart investment ya know??
0 Replies
 
LiveLoughLaugh24
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 May, 2015 10:28 am
@FOUND SOUL,
Thank you so much for the HONEST, SOUND, DIRECT AND NON JUDGMENTAL advice.

It's funny, how I think I'm getting old but I often here I'm young. I totally believe in giving him more time and I will but if the situation doesn't improve after so many months I don't see why it would be worth it to continue....

His morals?! Eh, those are questionable. He says he has them but some-times I wonder.

Funny, he has tattoos and LOVES piercings but won't be with a girl that looks like that.

This dating thing seems much more complicated than what it needs to be. Back in the day, during my 18, 19, and 20 year old days I used my intuition and would often times land the "right" kind of "good guy" that has long-term potential. However, I was too immature to appreciate and value those guys and so I would let them go. Often times, because I felt they weren't a challenge or they were too nice. Little did I know, fast forwarding some years those are the kind of guys I want now and seems a lot harder to find and I'm thinking it's because I'm looking for them versus being happy and enjoying my self and not worrying so much about it like I did back then.

So what did you experience during your dating years?
If you could of some things differently what would it be?
Did you find the one?
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 May, 2015 03:25 pm
@LiveLoughLaugh24,
Quote:
However, I was too immature to appreciate and value those guys and so I would let them go. Often times, because I felt they weren't a challenge or they were too nice. Little did I know, fast forwarding some years those are the kind of guys I want now and seems a lot harder to find and I'm thinking it's because I'm looking for them versus being happy and enjoying my self and not worrying so much about it like I did back then.


Honestly? I've had this conversation over and over and over with girls/women throughout my later life. We all want the bad boys the ones we "can't have", the challenge funny because later in life we are "soooo grateful" we didn't end up with any of them. And yet, we were approached by the "nice guys" but didn't feel that they gave us anything to work with, they were direct, honest and so, no challenge.

You've just stated the key to this:-

Quote:
I'm looking for them versus being happy and enjoying my self and not worrying so much about it like I did back then.


At some point in your life you have to enjoy being you, understand exactly who you are, what you will and won't accept in life and be happy within yourself. It comes from within. Trust me when I say that once you have found that place there is no worry, everything flows and it comes to you, eventually.

Quote:
So what did you experience during your dating years?


Growth to woman hood Smile I think we have all picked the wrong one and also the right one and let them go but ultimately there wasn't "anyone" that I would be able to say "man I wish I married him". I was also a bit of a free spirit though I had long term relationships, free spirit being that I Managed Restaurants so I was limited to who I met but more so, hours I could spend in a relationship which left me with predominately the Hospitality Industry to choose my relationships from.
Quote:

If you could of some things differently what would it be?
Nothing. Once I left that Industry I tried the proper dating game outside of Hospitality. It was quite the experience, quite funny especially the attempt at on-line dating. It was my turning point of taking time out and finding more about me. I wasn't about to settle for these guys who pretended they were younger or had baggage. In doing that, I did find out exactly what I wanted, didn't want, core values, morals still in check and felt awesome.

Quote:
Did you find the one?
Yes. He laughs at my faux furs, dyslexic words, kisses me every morning, text messages me every day, listens to me, loves me and we can talk till the cows come home about a variety of things. He encourages me with my businesses, believes in me and tells me I am beautiful (from time to time), reinforces my confidence as a woman. I'm marrying him in November after 5 years being together.

Note:- He once said to me " when you were younger you wouldn't have even looked at me" ... I told him, he was right, yet there is a cheeky side to him and desirable side to him but over all he's a "nice guy"....
LiveLoughLaugh24
 
  2  
Reply Sat 9 May, 2015 02:56 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
omg this is by far the best response written. Thank you for sharing your life as an example. It meant a lot to me to know that some-one else has been through it too and came out okay.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 May, 2015 03:58 pm
@LiveLoughLaugh24,
Oi, more than "ok" OK? Smile Let's hope you grow and end up in a good place mam. It's your choice.
0 Replies
 
fernandohernandez
 
  0  
Reply Sun 10 May, 2015 01:04 am
@FOUND SOUL,
Thank you for your true story. I take this as a kind advice...
0 Replies
 
loganbawcom
 
  0  
Reply Sun 10 May, 2015 02:19 am
@LiveLoughLaugh24,
Thank you for sharing your life as an example.
0 Replies
 
fernandohernandez
 
  0  
Reply Thu 21 May, 2015 04:42 am
Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that good relationships have in common. Knowing the basic principles of healthy relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling and exciting in both happy times and sad:

What makes a healthy love relationship?

Staying involved with each other. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there.
Getting through conflict. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right.
Keeping outside relationships and interests alive. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.
Communicating. Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—are critical to communication.
0 Replies
 
bamboozled2015
 
  0  
Reply Fri 22 May, 2015 01:28 pm
@LiveLoughLaugh24,
Trust your gut. Too many women think they can change a man or overlook all the signs that in their gut they know are not good/healthy. Relationships are complicated and require a lot of work even when both people are stable. Instead of focusing on his flaws you need to ask yourself why you are with him in the first place. What is it about this particular person that you are drawn to him and why are you ignoring those feelings of distrust? The fact that you already notice in 5 months of dating that he has anger issues is a little troubling. Nobody is perfect and people can change(not always easy) but old habits die hard. You have your whole life ahead of you and you seem to have purpose and direction. Find someone that shares your goals, that makes you feel safe, is supportive and is there to make your life better. If you can say he checks all those boxes for you then give it some time otherwise you may want to move on. The world is a big place. You are so young, explore your options. I have a son your age who a few years ago was in an unhealthy relationship with a girl who was sweet but had so many issues with insecurity/depression and anger. Some of the signs were there in little ways in the beginning but he overlooked them until he could not ignore them anymore. It was a toxic relationship which took a toll on him. With the love and support from his family he was able to get out of a situation which was only going to drag him down. He now has a successful career, spends time traveling and discovering the world and is enjoying being single. Learn to be okay without a guy by your side, be picky, have standards/boundaries, respect yourself. Keep yourself open to positive experiences and people. Listen to that little voice in your head when it tells you something isn't quite right. Good Luck!
LiveLoughLaugh24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Jun, 2015 12:14 am
@bamboozled2015,
Thank you for sharing and shedding light on this! I am learning to trust my gut however, it's been tricky balancing gut with intellect. Glad to hear your son has a supportive family that helped him get out of a toxic relationship and support him all the way to happiness. What a wonderful family.
0 Replies
 
 

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