how do i take "charge" of my relationship?

Take Charge?
My son is in an unhealthy relationship. If it were possible for him to "take charge" of the relationship, things would be a lot different. The problem is, there are two people in the relationship--him and her. They talk and talk and talk. He has told her that the things she does causes him unhappiness and pain. But, she continues to do the very things that she knows hurts him. Therefore, my son has a choice--continue with the relationship knowing that she won't change--or leave her.

You can tell your girlfriend that her outrageous flirtations are hurtful and disrespectful to you. You can ask her to stop. That's about as much "taking charge" that you can do. If she doesn't stop the behavior that causes you pain, you have a choice: stay with her or leave.

how do i go about telling her that, as in how do i start? i did tell her about six months ago that she was not respecting me then, but we were fighting at the time, so it was easier. the other problem is that i don't actually knows that i know(we live in a small town)

effective communication
Timmy:

Effective communication requires that you tell her how you feel without being accusatory.

"Sweetie, I'm feeling bad. We live in a small town and you know how the rumors fly. Several people have told me that you flirt outrageously with other guys when I'm not around. I feel hurt and disrespected."

Be respectful, be open, be honest, tell her how you feel.

If she asks you who gave you this information--tell her. "Joe, John, Jacob, Jack, Jill, and Julie have all mentioned their concerns to me."

"I need to feel valued and respected in our relationship and I'm not feeling that way right now."

If she gets angry about people talking about her to you, simply redirect her back to the issue:

"Joe and John are my friends and it is natural for them to come to me with their concerns--just like it would be natural for your friends to talk to you if they thought I was doing something to hurt you. I feel that we need to talk about our relationship. Can we agree to be respectful to each other and cut out flirting with other people?"

Of course, use the words and phrases that you are most comfortable with, but I think my examples give you an idea. Talk about how you FEEL. Don't accuse. Don't attack. Don't talk in anger. Learning to communicate--learning how to talk through problems with your significant other--is vital to a good relationship. If you can't bring yourself to talk about the things that hurt you, the problem will fester.

If you talk about it--but the problem continues--then you have a choice: live with the fact that your girlfriend is disrespecting you with her outrageous flirting or break up with her.

I guess you have another option: FIGHTING. But, I've never been an advocate of fighting because fighting is hurtful and chips away at your dignity. Don't demean yourself by fighting.

thanks heaps debra i will certainly try that and like u said if not i can move out and move on.

You're welcome
You're welcome, Timmy.

Good luck, Timmy. Just a word, though. Some people of either sex use flirting as a way of getting to know people and it is quite harmless. My sons have all had problems with jealousy about such things, and of course only you know how much you can take. My youngest son is a flirt, but he has clear boundaries about infidelity - however the girls didn't always know that and in the past he caused a lot of heartache. Now he's growing up he takes a bit more responsibility and makes sure it's clear this is just harmless fun. I don't know how old you are, but beware of getting too serious too early. If it's possibly to lighten up and flirt a bit yourself, maybe you'll feel better.
Debra's advice is really good!

It is also possible, if Timmy hasn't witnessed the flirting himself, that his friends might be blowing things out of proportion even though her conduct was described as "outrageous." I didn't sense that Timmy was jealous--just hurt because he lives in a small town and people are talking. His pal is telling him, "You gotta take charge of your relationship, man." Timmy's response: "Okay. How do I do that?"

I lived in a small town when I was a teenager. Everyone in town KNEW my dad was having an affair with the grocer's wife--and the only way I found out was because of all the rumors that were flying around. I kept my mouth shut and just prayed that my mom wouldn't hear the rumors. Living in a small town can be PAINFUL.

Timmy, make sure you come back and give us an update after you've talked with your girlfriend.

"Taking charge of a relationship" means that the person in charge holds the balance of power. I don't think that a woman with an ounce of self respect, would want the man to "take charge". A mature relationship, is a relationship of equals.

Right now, your girlfriend MAY be doing things that are hurtful to you. Since you have not observed her flirting personally, you really don't know exactly what she has been doing.

If I were you, I would sit down with her, and tell her that you have been hurt by some rumors that have come to your attention. Do not accuse her. Give her the opportunity to tell her side of the story. Good luck!

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I don't understand what you mean by "take charge" of the relationship. It's not a matter of taking charge. It sounds like a matter of what you find acceptable in a partner's personality or behavior. If you don't like the fact that this woman's personality is a flirty one, and if it bothers you to the point that you're asking for advice on dealing with it, she's probably not the right person for you. Compatible personalities with common limits and interests are vital in a successful relationship. I'm not saying that she's right or wrong in flirting, I personally find it disrespectful attention-seeking, and manipulative but for whatever reason she does it, if it makes you uncomfortable or annoying, this is her personality, this will never change and no one can expect it to. Move on.

I'd say Debra's advice is fantastic if, indeed this flirting is "outrageous". I grew up in a small town and based on your description, I seriously doubt that it is. Rumors grow taller each time they're told, and if she were really flirting outrageously on a regular basis; that wouldn't be the rumor. Timmy's wife is a cheater and a slut and easy etc. etc. etc. would be the rumor, no?

Is it possible that she's always been a little flirty, and that's part of what attracted you to her in the first place (you do sound kind of shy)? It this behavior has been there all along, not only will you not be able to change it, but you would be wrong to try.

YOUR FRIEND is wrong. "Taking charge" is wrong. That kind of talk comes from abusers, jealous spoilers, and wannabes who are just trying to sound cool (and failing miserably). I'd take a very, very good look at the messenger before acting on such a message.

Personally, I think flirting is pretty harmless if it doesn't lead to infidelity. No, it doesn't necessarily feel good to hear, and you shouldn't have... If I were sure that fidelity wasn't an issue, I'd probably tell my friend to mind his own business.

Ps It could also be a gentle way of warning you of infidelity. You don't sound jealous though, so I doubt it.

Good Luck! and welcome to A2K

Perhaps Timmy, your friends are trying to bug you about being "whipped" by your girlfriend. Maybe your not upset so much about the flirting, but just about a certain title you don't want. I know my bf's friends harass him all the time about how whipped he supposivly is, and he gets upset about it, then comes home and "tries" to "take charge" as you call it. In which case it's just time to grow up, and not care what other people think. Now I don't know if this is the situation at all, just a suggestion. Good Luck!!

i think the main reason i am jealous is because off her past, lets just say that i'm a long way behind in the "experience" catergory, and as this is my first real relationship(more than a year) i'm probably too paranoid.

I guess i never realized that she was 'flirty' until my mates told me just recently, coz she's very social, likes to drink, party all that. Whereas me i don't drink, am over party's and really cant stand being around stupid drunk people, which there a lot of in my town. So i guess i should really think about whether or not i should still be with her, she doesn't resent me not going out and i had never resented her going out, but i guess u can't live like that.

Sounds like she enjoys getting out there and socializing and you're more of a homebody type. There's nothing wrong with either one, but maybe she should find someone who likes her lifestyle more, and you should find someone who is better suited to yours. Just my opinion.

I'm with Bill and Debra on the assessment of the problem.

Yeah i knew i'd have to face up to facts one day

"breaking up is hard to do"

You most be sure of what you want and make her know that her actions will make you change your respect for her, since she not respecting your relationship. changing your respect for her is to tell her, she know she is your Love your wife not take all her wrong for the last time.

Leaving aside that that is almost incomprehensible English, are you aware that the author of this thread posted that question almost 12 years ago?