Visiting the In-Laws

CC: I don't blame you at all, and I don't know why your boyfriend has a problem with it, it's not like you're asking him not to visit his family, you are giving him your blessing to go it alone except when absolutely necessary and this also gives you your space to do what you need to do.

I think your outlook is very healthy and I think he should feel blessed.

C.C.- It looks like he wants it both ways. He wants you with him when he goes to his folks, but from what you say, he does nothing to attempt to include you in the conversation.

IMO, you need to tell him how you feel, and give him a choice. Either he makes an effort to include you, or you stay home. Then stick to your guns.

If I were you, I would think about this issue very seriously if you are considering a permanent relationship with this guy. My first husband put his parents (especially his mother) before me. That was one of the main reasons that I dumped him!

The problems with my inlaws aren't really the same, but still problems!

It started out with one of our first meetings... After that my wife told her mother that she should remember my name, there could be something big happeneig here. To that my (at that time) future mom-in-law asked what I was doing for a living, and my wife said that I'm a waiter in an italian restaurant. "Oh, and what's his real job?" I was working 60 hrs a week at that time... And how was I supposed to support her? My wife made/makes a good deal better money than I do. Oh, almost forgot, I'm also a good foreigner, since I'm swedish, in her opinion!

Well, then we got married and it was good for a while, for us. My wife's parents had their own textile firm, and working with them was my wife's sister and her husband. Textile used to be a very good business here in the region, but it turned sour like 15 yrs ago, as did my in-laws's business. For this my father-in-law blamed his daughter and her husband! The firm went bankrupt 4yrs ago, which was more like beating a dead horse the 5 yrs before. The bank took my wife's parent's house and they were free of debt, which was ok. But they left my sister-in-law with a huge debt, for something that could've been avoided, had they jumped ship ten yrs earlier!

Nowadays the parents-in-law are sitting in Hungary and bitch about that nobody wants to visit them, and that it's everyoneelse's fault that the firm went down the drain.

And when they come to visit, they say funny things like " How is Urs (my wife) going to finance her hobby, and for how long?" There's nothing spelled wrong here, I'm her hubby, that's right, but in their eyes I'm a freakin' HOBBY!!! My sister-in-law is really sorry that this came to my ears, but I'm not. Know I know what I am to them, and I also know that Hungary is not on my vacation plans again, ever. They can bitch about noone visiting 'till hell freezes over, for all I care.

My sister-in-law is all screwed up because of her parents, and will probably seek professional help to cope, my wife has me, she says, and their brother fled to the States twenty years ago!



A lot of people cooks for a hobby
my wife has a hobby that can cook!!

BD: Chefs just happen to be some of the best paid individuals I know of.

My nephew is a chef in Ireland, he has his choice of countries he wants to work in, and name his price.

I don't blame you for not wanting to visit them ~ how smug can yah be!

I wouldn't darken their door again!

Thanks for your replies people, maybe I should email him this http. Keep them coming! I dont think that I am being unfair, due to the good old saying "Im with you, not your family"
They do ask where I am when I dont accompany him, I think he should be honest and say "She thinks youre all boring, and decided she'd rather stay home and learn to knit blankets"

bigdice - wow, just when you think that youve got it bad...and they wonder why nobody visits.
As the saying goes 'People wonder why the streams are so bitter when they themselves poison the fountain'

Phoenix - yes, I think you are dead right about him wanting it both ways with very little help on his behalf. And I have also learnt that you arent a male(which is what I have thought on my just begun journey around here).

Misti - You always say the right things, this place is better because youre around here.

Well now Im utterly confused.
After visiting different topics on a2k I find this one (http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2577) under the Quotes heading about the great John Muir, who had many words to say.....
...now my boyfriend is a Muir and his family is the one that say NOTHING!
I knew it! I knew they were illegal immigrants from way back, as they cant trace their family tree a precise place in Scotland.....hmmmm:idea:

The next time he brings it up suggest to him that you would be willing to attend if he and his family would agree that there would be no discussion of sports, taxes, or their family friends but instead discussed only areas that you have an interest (throw 2 or 3 at him) in and your friends.

Printing out your initial post here and handing it to him might open his eyes a little (You might considered blotting out the comments about "boring" and "mundane" though! lol).

In a relationship people not only need time to share things together but also time to explore their own interests as individuals.

CC:

I could understand it if you were forbidding your boyfriend to visit his family without you, but you're not, you're actually giving him your blessing to go without you ... therefore, there's no reason he should be upset about it!

I can't say I blame you for not wanting to visit.
I will however warn you that if things stay the way they are, and you and your boyfriend decide to consider marriage, I'd think good and hard before tying the knot.
When you marry someone, you may not marry the rest of the family, but it sure will feel like you did.
How are things when your boyfriend visits your family?

All I know is that, when my parents were here, my wife had the grandest of times. They get on so well, which I like, since my parents travelled 1000mls to be here just over the weekend!

dlk - My family love him. Im the oldest of 6, we all live in the same city and Im proud to say that everyone is welcomed into our fold. I dont think we have encountered anyone that didnt like being with us.
Ive got 3 brothers and he gets on well with them each individually. I met him through my mother, so he already knew someone in the family before he met me.

We had a bit of an argument about this the other day, and I fired at him that his family never visit and they never ring, they would rather ring his mobile than ring the house phone. Maybe they dont like me?

CC: If his family doesn't like you, they THEY have a problem, not you. It is definitely their loss!

CC: My relationship with my ex's family was very similar. They were nice enough people, but were not the most socialable. They only talked about a couple subjects, and if you brought something up in conversation that didn't fit their agenda, it was met with an "Oh really" or basically ignored. Then there would be an uncomfortable moment of silence. They also thought their children did no wrong, and that was that. Very enabling.

Before you consider marrying this man, you need to have a no holds barred conversation about expectations. If he expects you to sit quietly through this mundane ritual, what other things are up his sleeve? Will you be expected to go to sporting events and mah jong conventions also?

Sometimes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Sublime, welcome to A2K!

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, is right!

CelticClover

I think your boy friend is being very selfish. You have tried the visits on many occaisions, they're very boring for you and as they are entirely for his benefit there is no reason to continue to insist on dragging you along. If there were "good old days" and he talks about taxes then certainly he must be an adult but honestly in the storey you present I'd have thought he's a teenager or at most a college kid. Tell him you'll be delighted to go...every fourth visit and you're bringing a good book.

Pitter

Pitter - Funny you should mention the good book, as everytime I have been I have taken the latest magazine and read it from front to back whilst there. The only time I didnt take one was on Christmas Day....lo and behold, there in the bag of goodies for me was the latest magazine, that I read while waiting for my bf to finish doing what he does.

As Sublime has said, they are nice enough people just not very social. And if you do mention something out of the conversation bracket or something remotely emotion related, its like you have spoken in a foreign language.

It makes me very grateful for the family I have, we might have our run in, and dilemmas, but we are interesting and interested.

in-Laws
well I am an iranian and have iranian fiance.i have alot of problem with my in-laws all of them.just because one doesn't like me others support him.I hate them after alot of problems I am stressed and obsessed about them. like I don't want my fiance to do anything with them but he loves them he is hurt as well but they are his family he is not close to them as before now still we have to visit them but not stay overnight.I really dont want to be obsessed with them and let my fiance do whatever he likes the problem is I cant control the way I feel and get stressed when I see he is doing a favours for them when they hurt me very badly.what can I do to not care about this?

regards
Mahy

I went through a similar situation years ago with my husband's family. Alienation (spelling?) is the word that comes to mind when visiting his folks. I got the distinct (weird) feeling that his mother, especially, thought of me as competition for her son's attention. My attempts at conversation were often ignored, or replaced with topics or stories that I was not a part of.
My solution was a big thick book for our weekend visits lol. I was always ready to put the book down for some great no-mind-games conversation, but when that foolishness was going on, I could just get lost in a great read.

This isn't an either-or situation. Eventually you will be part of The Good Old Days. Grandchildren will also enter the equation.

For the present, I think you should visit on Major Holidays (recognized in the Western Calendar) and Minor Holidays (family birthdays, anniversaries, and a few other times--perhaps one out of ever three visits.

As for the 2/3 of the time that you're missing: You do not want to be the sort of woman who comes between a man and his parents.

If he insists--as did the first Mr. Noddy--that his parents are so deadly that he needs your help to get through the long afternoons, dicker with him on just exactly what your payback will be for extra devotion to his family.

Love is not one sided in obligations.