Reply
Sun 12 Apr, 2015 12:56 pm
Hi, I'm a young man in early 20s. I didn't know what being gay was when I was a child, till as long as my mid-to-late teens. I didn't know there was another way to be.But I was effeminate even then. When I got through puberty, I had fantasies like doing very manly things, taking a lot of pain.
When I first started looking at naked pictures of women, it didn't really excite me. What excited me was to look at fit, muscular men. I never wanted anything to do with them, but I imagined being them. I imagined looking as good, and being as strong as them. Most of all what excited me was to imagine being so shameless as to be shirtless or even trouser-less.
When I started watching porn, I would like to see women squirting, but in ordinary porn, I would concentrate on the man and imagine being him - that i was a porn star, naked in front of many people, etc. Then I started watching gay porn. Even the thought of having a penis in my bottom or mouth disgusted me, but the idea of taking pain excited me.
In the real world, as a young boy, I was every extroverted. I would tell my mother as a very young boy that I wanted to marry a teacher or some girl. But probably I didn't understand these things then.
As I grew older, I did become effeminate, but I still did have mostly female crushes. there were exceptions. At high school, I remember finding one of my male classmates very good looking and wondering if he would ever talk to me.
I never had such instinctive, first sight feelings for any females then. I do remember finding one of the girls very beautiful and wanting to spend time with her. I wrote poems for her too.
Later on at university, I didn't have any real life crushes.
When I started my masters, I had a strong crush on a girl. She was very beautiful. But one day, on looking at her sitting behind me in auditorium style classroom, I noticed her being absolutely perfect. There was makeup on her, perfect eyelashes, very nice clothes, everything was in perfect match with everything else. It was the makeup that caught my attention. I immediately lost my interest. I found her to be fake. I know her to be a wonderful person though otherwise.
The other day I was watching a female character on a TV show, and absolutely fell in love with her. It is a sort of romantic show, and I wondered if ever I will have such a beautiful girl love me so very much and so deeply and unconditionally.
I would like to live with a partner, have children. But I also like to watch gay porn. I must emphasise again that the idea of having a penis in my mouth or bottom disgusts me. I don't have any fantasies about putting my penis in a man's bottom. I must also say that i find most uncared for vaginas disgusting. Whenever there are is a hairy vagina, I'm disgusted.
I am a virgin. I've never had sex, or even kissed anyone on the lips.
Please tell me if I'm straight or not. I must find out now!
Thanks.
@maze1234,
I'm not a therapist. I'm an old person who was dumber than dumb, getting less dumb in my early twenties. In my case, I'm your strongly heterosexual female, which became readily apparent (I say, laughing).
Anyway, my first comment is to say, relax.
Listen to yourself as time goes by.
@maze1234,
I would say just listen to your gut.
I am a bisexual female, it took me along time to understand this concept fully and understand myself.
However, i will say you sound very similar to one of my closest friends who is A sexual. He finds both genders attractive but doesnt want anything from them sexually.
@maze1234,
What's it matter? You are whatever you are. No one has to live in your skin except you. I enjoy watching girl-girl porn but not because I think I'm a lesbian. Enjoy boy-boy porn too (note, girl-girl or boy-boy is used in place of gay and lesbian as many such actors are in fact straight, consequently unless you know for certain people are gay or lesbian, calling the porn that is inaccurate.)
You'll know more about yourself when/if you start having sexual relationships. Until then though it's all theory. If you just watch and masturbate right now, could id yourself (if fond of labels, I"m not personally) as autosexual. You masturbate, but haven't discovered a sexual attraction for other people as yet.
@maze1234,
Hi
In my experience the only way a guy knows whether he is gay or straight is by experience. I want to be delicate but I cannot avoid saying that the only test is actual sex. That can be masturbation or sexual encounter with another person.
The decision on whether you are gay or not gay is not who you are with but what you are thinking about. If you are with your wife (I know you do not have one) but you are thinking about men you know when you are having sex then its quite likely that you are gay. If you are having sex on your own and what you are thinking about is men without clothes or you being with a man or men's body parts then you are likely to be gay.
If in these situations you are thinking about females and/or female faces or body parts or some woman you know then its likely that you are straight.
There is a continuum from Totally Gay to Totally Straight. You are highly unlikely to be totally anything even if you are a boxer or a drag queen. (huge stereotypes there)
Having feminine characteristics (being effeminate) is not necessarily a crime or bad in a man. Kind caring and loving fathers often are less manly and testosterone driven. Having feelings about either sex are not necessarily signs of bisexuality or confused sexuality.
My guess is that you are shocked by some of your feelings. I'd also suggest that you came from a fairly conservative background where feelings and thoughts were considered less than acceptable. You are not abnormal. Everyone has the odd weird thought. Don't be so judgemental of yourself.
Cheers
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace