Parents in a relationship

Since one of the problems is that your folks want to socialize on their terms and on their schedule, you can turn the tables and invite them over. And if they're busy that day (hey, it happens. In fact, you might want to be a lil devious and deliberately select a date and time when you know they CAN'T come over), suggest another and another. And then make the point to them that since they cannot come over every time, at your beck and call, that you should not be required to do the same.

Now, one other thing (assuming this doesn't work or is impractical) is that your mother clearly wants to see you but is not understanding that there should be limits. However, of course, she has a reasonable expectation of seeing you - so the problem in some ways is one of degree. After all, it's not like you never want to see her, right?

So what you can also do is, every time you tell her you won't see her, give her a day when you will. This way she will not feel abandoned and you will have some time to yourself. Eventually, she should get used to the reduced schedule. And, of course, you can bolster this by telling her (this is the truth!) that you and your fiance have friends and other social obligations and therefore sometimes you're going to be doing other things. And, sometimes you'll be doing nothing.

With my folks, it can sometimes come to them calling every single day (we live several hours away from them), so generally I try to cool it if I can if it's becoming overwhelming. Like this week, they called Sunday to say hello, Monday to tell me about my dad's back, and then Tuesday I called them to thank them for sending us a package. I could have used email for the Tuesday communication, so if anything else comes up this week, so long as it isn't urgent, I'll probably just send an email. This way, the lines of communication remain open and no one is slighted.

You sound like my younger brother
He lived 1.5 miles from my parents for the first year of his marriage, and my Mom was constantly worrying about why they didn't come over more, whether they were getting along, why he didn't stop by and visit my other brother (living 3 miles away) more often, etc.
The only advice I can give you is to give it time. Your parents love you and naturally are having a hard time "letting go", but they'll get used to it. In my brother's case, there was a period of "power struggle" between his wife and my Mom, but as they spent time together and got to appreciate each other's points of view the relationship got easier. Also, once my Mom had the time to fully convince herself that my brother was doing O.K. she backed off some.
I would be very upfront with your girlfriend about how you feel/what's going on with your parents: she needs to know that you value her as much/more than your family. At the same time, some added sensitivity on her part re: your relationship with your parents may ease some of the strain on you.
Good luck!

haha! I can see this one from the other side, being a new empty-nester and missing my kids so much!
I don't see them nearly as often as I expected, and they rarely call (They don't even have a phone )
I dropped by one day (The younger two live together about 40 minutes away) and guilt-tripped my youngest, something about how I'd hate for them to pop by one day after no contact in weeks, only to be greeted by my bloated, rotting corpse. My son just laughed and said I was crazy. I told him I wasn't telling him that to make him feel guilty, but to protect him from such a sight. My oldest lives out of state with his fiance', but I hear from him pretty often.
Gawd, I miss having my boys around, though...
Call your mother, you ungrateful young man!
(Just kidding)!
I don't know what to tell you. Can't you just tell her that you and your girlfriend need some weekends to yourself, but that you'll visit a couple times a month? Talk to your dad about it, maybe he can help.

I agree that if you are a self-supporting adult that your parents have no right to unilaterally scheduling compulsory family togetherness time. Why is your mother fixated on Sundays?

All the same, your brother's fiancee should not come between you and your parents. Neither should Emily.

Every Sunday is a bit much. How many Sundays a month are you willing to devote to your parents? How much time do you spend with Emily's family? If Sundays are sabotaged by your brother's fiancee, what about Wednesday evenings? Or breakfast on Thursday morning?

Furthermore, you and Emily are courting, not welded together at the hip. You could pop over and see your parents for an hour or so before work or after work--Emily need not be involved in every visit. In fact, she should not be involved in every visit any more than you must always be with her when she sees her family.

Love both between parents and children and between men and women requires flexibility on all parts. It also requires expression.

Good luck.

i suggest that you have to visit them twice or thrice a week .... it wouldn't be big deal ... they are your parents ...

They may be his parents, but he's an adult and is in a relationship, so his parents should understand that.
When my brother moved in with his girlfriend, who he eventually married, we hardly heard from him at all. In fact, several years later, my mother and I still don't hear from him much. He calls mom on Mothers Day, her birthday and at Christmas, but it doesn't bother my mother much. He did forget to call her on Mothers Day last year and I gave him hell for it, so he won't forget again. It does kind of tick me off that he can't even send me an email wishing me and my son a happy birthday, but that's the way he is and I have to accept that.

I think that one of the most destructive things that couples do in a relationship is to lock themselves into a "standing date" with parents. Then, if the coulple wants to do something else, they are obliged to grumble, and be where they don't want to be.



You may not be able convince your parents to back off, and you may have to offend them, but you cannot have an adult relationship if your folks are controlling your life.
I like the idea of popping in at odd times just for a short visit, with or without your girlfriend.

Yes, it is true that "empty nesters" feel a great loss when their child leaves home, in the beginning. But if you keep kowtowing to them, they will never learn to be independent. Sound strange, like the roles are reversed? In a way, it is.

As a child, kids are dependent on their folks. In many ways, couples' lives revolve around the children, often at the expense of the couple themselves. When the children leave home, all of a sudden many couples start to realize that they have not shared life AS a couple for many years, and some have not developed interests in common. It is not an easy transition for parents. The more neurotic ones cling to their children, so as to avoid the effort of learning how to discover each other.

This is the time for your folks to find each other again, like when they were first married.

Mom and dad may pull out all the "stops", but don't fall into their manipulations. Keep reminding them that you love them, and will see them whenever you can. But YOU hold the reins!

I agree with Phoenix. Make sure they know you love them while telling them that you're all grown up now and have a life of your own.

A talk
Thank you all for your extremely useful advice. I did have a long phone conversation with my mother where I did bring some of my issues up. She's fine with only seeing me a couple of times a month. And I certainly don't want to not see them. I do like my folks and every other Sunday is not a bad thing. But here's where she ticked me off. First, she wants me to arrange my visits around when my brother will be there. Don't get me wrong, my brother is awesome, if somewhat spoiled being the younger one. We have always gotten along better than most siblings. But, I'm not about to try to schedule my entire life around when he'll be at our folks' place. As it was, I was planning on being over there this last Sunday and my Mom told me that Billy wasn't going to be out. And that led to her basically suggesting that I don't come over. I don't get it. I know that in a week she'll be griping about never seeing me. However, I did email her today and brought up the idea of visiting them on my time. So I picked next Tuesday. I could have done Monday, but that will be our only day of the whole 3 day weekend that we'll have to just stay at home and spend with each other. Emily does understand that I do like to visit my folks on slightly lesser intervals though. Her family lives out of state, so I do feel that it is rather unfair to spend so much time at my parents'. On the other hand, I have spent time with her friends quite often. And I don't mind it a bit. So I really should get a true assessment of what she thinks of my time with my folks. I do plan on visiting them when Emily isn't around such as when she is on trips for work or late coming home. But when I brought that up to Mom she actually said she didn't want me to do that, that she wanted to see Emily more as well as she is such a big part of my life and that they really want to get to know her. But I think I will still do random visits just to show that I am not avoiding them. I have considered having them over for dinner as well, but as of yet have not made any plans for such.

I am not ungrateful to my parents. Trust me on this one fact, I know full well what sacrifices they've made for me. However, if it were that parents made sacrifices so that they could keep you forever, you would never want them to make those sacrifices. The whole purpose to that is so that you can be as good a person as possible and make those same sacrifices for your own children. Parents will never be repaid for all that they do for their children. That is probably a sad realization, to me I look forward to it as a part of life. And to know that your kids will go through the same, that just seems to even things out. Not that I am using this to justify alienating my parents, but I never made it through college because I can't stand schedules, so how can I be expected to deal with a mandatory meeting with my folks that now HAS to be coordinated with visits from my brother? If I could just show up every other week at random, that's one thing. And if they'd give me some time to get to that. I have a lot to do with moving and unpacking stuff. I have finances to get into some order, vehicles to fix, things to assemble, etc. If I did nothing but watch the tube i could see spending more time with them. But right now, I'm a busy guy and was hoping they'd understand that. Oh, and I did go over last Thursday when Emily was in NJ. So I have taken advantage of the time that Emily is travelling. Hopefully, in another month, I'll have the majority of problems and issues taken care of that I won't have an excuse to not stop by for 30 minutes every now and then, aside from the the regular visits. But I'm still somewhat stressed because a conversation I had with my mother on Saturday did not seem to go well and she seemed disappointed. I'm trying to keep in contact, but I'm not a very talkative nor social person. And I'm always afraid to call for fear of being obligated to do something. Anyway, I must be off. Again, thank you all for you comments and I'll let you know whether they'll go for a weeknight thing to help compromise.

My guess is that your mother has finally realized that she has an empty nest--that the family-of-four who sustained her for years is no more.

Or perhaps she's still pretending just as hard as she can.

Be kind.

By the by, tell your mother that you have moments when you want to be an only child and have her all to yourself. She can't quarrel with that.

I dated a guy (several years) and this was one issue that came between us. He lived in Connecticut and I lived in Boston so he came to me one weekend and I went to him the next. We alternated. His mother specifically was a very domineering woman but that does not sound anything like your parents so this is where we differ. She detested me at first sight and it was a miserable drudge having to go to her house for Sunday dinner (on the weekends I visited CT). Eventually after taking as much insults and nastiness as I could handle, I told my bf that I would not be attending Sunday dinners in the future. I told him he could go and I would leave early to return to Boston on those weekends. She still put him under severe pressure for the weekends he spent with me in Boston.

Finally, the straw that broke the camels back was when my parents invited him and I to visit (Ireland), what did he do? He told me his mother had taken ill (I spoke to his father to find she was faking it) and needed her son to drive her here/there/everywhere. Her other son, who lived 10 minutes away from her, was around so I couldn't understand why my bf would not agree to come with me for the trip to Ireland. I suggested cancelling and rescheduling and, after much arguing, he revealed that his life would be made miserable if he left to go away on a holiday with me.

Not long after the relationship was over - this was a small part in helping break us up. I had lost all respect for him because he let her win every time regardless of my feelings.

In your situation it does not sound like your parents are like this at all - just don't let it get to the stage that too many demands are made on your time. I completely understand your parents wanting to see you and Emily - that is wonderful. It is however up to you and Emily to decide when and how often. Your parents will understand (hopefully).

RoctopusB, you sound like a good kid. But what the heck is a RoctopusB?

I'm not sure, but I think it's an animal similar to an eoe.

No, that's an eoeoe.
Anyone see a resemblance between Alfred E. Newman (roctopusB's avatar) and your present prez?

Roc- I'm sorry, but you sound alot like my brother. He always either at moms house, or calling her, then he got a girlfriend and doesn't really call anymore, doesn't come home for the weekends anymore. My mom was kinda disapointed for awhile, but she realized he actually has a life now and she got over it. I'm sure your mom will get over it aswell, just make sure to give her lots of love, invite her over for dinner or something.

It's getting better through communication
RoctopusB is a combination of 3 things. 1, I play guitar, and naturally rock is the majority of my styling. 2, I have an octopus tattoo. It kind of reflects my personality, more because you'd only expect to see something like that on a 250+ lb bald guy named bruno. The irony is I'm 5'11" weighing 150, hardly a sight to quiver at. 3, the B came from a site or forum that already had Roctopus taken, so I added the first letter of my last name. Anyway... I have talked in email to my Mom and (keeping in mind some of your comments and suggestions) asked about a weeknight thing and having them come over for dinner. She is depressed by not seeing me that often. But I've brought up many points of compromise. She totally understands why I'm seeing less of them, just wishes I would choose to see them more. As much as I dislike schedules, I thought it best to propose one to her that everyone could follow. That way I'm not stuck working around my brother's schedule or vice versa. The idea is the 2nd and 4th Sunday of every month. And if I can't make it one time, I'll meet them sometime during the week. I keep expressing that my lack of time spent with them is not a lack of love, the opposite really. And I still haven't gotten to sit down and talk about how much Emily does or does not like visiting them. Or rather, how opposed she is to random short visits. I may be totally on the wrong track thinking that she wants little to do with my folks. I seriously doubt that she'll ever be the daughter Mom never had though. It would be nice, but their personalities are so different. Anyway, we'll see. Keeping the lines of communication open has been crucial in discovering what everyone is thinking. So far, noone has been offended by it or my telling the truth of things. So thanks again, I'll get back when something new comes up.

Well that's good!

Talk about photo resemblances, EOE, check this out!

http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/2327

Amazing!

Yikes!