Please someone edit my scholarship essay (Very Important)

Reply Wed 1 Apr, 2015 09:47 pm
Here's the prompt: Describe your most meaningful achievements, how they relate to your field of study, and your future goals. (do u think i answer the prompt correctly)

I was born and raised in Myanmar, at the age of 10 my family moved to United States to seek a better future. Dued to political persecution, Chin people have to flee away from the country of Myanmar. I start my new life in United States, working hard everyday. I try to do something to better myself and shape my attitudes to become the best version of myself. Every time I think about my future I just look up at the sky and smile because I already know what I want to do and am very willing to give my time to it.
Back in 2007, when we first live our life in United State, my family and I did not speak or write English. There are a lot of crisis' I encountered individually, the most painful one is when the first time I went to school in United States. At the age of 10, I started at my first school in America without knowing any English, and not knowing any of their lifestyle. I really struggled in class everyday, yes there are times when I got bullied and cried, they made fun of me because I am a foreigner and didn't know any English. I didn't let this weakness of mine make me fall apart and wreck from my dreams. Instead, I become and am very involved in my school work and extracurricular activities. I go about every day with joy and eagerness which is the most important thing I considered to myself. I try not to miss every opportunity I have in life to educated myself.
There was a time when my family was in a situation when they didn't have any money to pay for our bills. I have learned many life lessons by experiencing this kind of a situation. I gained knowledge that without having any degree or getting a professional job money doesn't come easily so it made me want to work more hard to continue on my education. Due to being low income, family size, my family is unable to contribute to my college education costs. This is why I am applying for this scholarship, because it would lessen the financial burden that my family already faces. This scholarship would award me an opportunity to pursue the career of my dreams
In the future, I hope to take up a career in which I am working with computers. Ever since I was 10 years old, I've been interested in technology. In order to get a job in this field, I have kept myself very busy with many extracurricular activities and academic experiences. I believe that these experiences will ultimately help me to be able to achieve my goals and handle the job well.
Since I love anything related with technology, my family assumes that I am responsible for anything related to technology in my household. For instance, if we buy a new TV, computer, or others electronics, it is my job to check everything and set up. Doing such little things, I have gain knowledge of how basic stuff works. There are times I have no clue of how the things work. I look up online at sites like YouTube and solve the problem easily. I know that I will end up doing things related to technology. I am always excited and curious to see the solutions
I am also responsible for my neighbors and my church computer related problems and solutions. I am the guy that does the powerpoints and controls sound systems during the worship service. I even designed a website for my church once. I was also in charge of all the media related activities, such as designing websites or opening facebook account for “Dallas Chin Student” organization.
Throughout my high school years, the activities I have been involved in, have taught me important life lessons that I will use for the rest of my life. All the lessons will help me to be a successful person in anything I choose specifically as an engineer. Achieving my goals will help me increase my positive attitude toward life. It will help me find happiness permanently, because I will contribute to my community doing what I enjoy the most.
I feel that the chance for me to go to school in the United States is a big accomplishment for me. What matters the most is that I believe I will have a bright future there as I am willing to work hard and do well in my schooling. I write and speak English well, and am getting better all the time as I study the language. I have a good background in science and technology which are the areas I want to continue studying in the United States. Thank you for considering me for your program and I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you so much !

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Reply Thu 2 Apr, 2015 06:19 am
josephcung11 wrote:


There was a time when my family was in a situation when they didn't have any money to pay for our bills. ...

Expand on this. You mention vague 'life lessons'. These are the life lessons. Write about a time when they couldn't afford something meaningful.
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