Proof read my motivation letter for university program

Reply Sat 18 Aug, 2018 04:18 pm
Hi all!
I'm going to apply for an university program and I wrote a motivation letter.
Can anyone help me for the correction?
Thanks a lot!

For the attention of Mr/Mrs
I’m XXXX and I graduated at Politecnico di Milano with 110/110. I was born in Italy while my parents are from Morocco. Since I was a child, I wanted to be an engineer. When I grew up, my family moved to Turin and there I attended the Liceo Scientifico Statale XXX where my interest in mathematics and physics raised more and more.
Therefore, when I graduated at high school with 96/100, I decided to apply for Politecnico di Milano for Industrial production engineering field.

This course has some peculiarity: first of all, most of the part of the lessons are oriented to practice. This kind of approach can be seen in another one of its main features: during the whole 5 years course students have to do three internships. I had one last year with a startup which developed a mobile application: my main task was to promote it in order to prepare the ground before the launch.
In addition, this course allows students to attend foreign universities for two years favoring a more multicultural and multidisciplinary formation: I chose the YYYY at Nice. While the courses which are attended at Politecnico are focused on technology field, the ones attended abroad analyze the economic and organizational aspects.

During my Bachelor’s, I had the opportunity to work with the Politecnico trough some collaborations.
In 2017 I worked at YYYY: I helped extra-UE students to fill the forms in order to obtain scholarships granted by the Regione Lombardia. This job improved my knowledge of the languages, communicative skills and stress management.
This year I worked as tutor at ‘Istituto professionale Statale YYYY’ teaching mathematics to students who had problems with it: in the end I was satisfied because most of them managed to overcome their difficulties.
Lastly, this summer, before my graduation, I worked at Politecnico Central Library: I was responsible for helping students with the book borrowing process and for managing the library books and rooms.

In my free time I like doing many things: the most significant ones are learning by myself Java language in order to be able to program Android applications, deepen my knowledges in informatics and electronics, reading books and going to the gym following the ‘Mens sana in corpore sano’ principle.

I am going to do the Master’s degree in Industrial production and technological innovation at Politecnico di Milano and I decided to apply for the Alta Scuola Politecnica.
I’m interested to the ASP because of its multidisciplinary perspective: actually, the engineering tasks are becoming less specific while more flexibility and multidisciplinary knowledges are required. Furthermore, I find the different teaching approach more stimulating than the traditional ones, as I had the opportunity to experience in my Erasmus year with the realization of different projects in a team. In addition, the ASP program would integrate my courses regarding the innovation, which is one of the most important subjects of my Master’s degree program. Finally, the ASP is suitable and more significant for me to achieve my future goal of becoming an entrepreneur by setting up my business: I have a lot of ideas which I would like to realize and the knowledge and the skills which I could obtain thanks to this program would be fundamental for the success of my future projects.

Due to the above reasons, I would like to join the ASP program and add my contribution to other projects with my creativity, my problem solving and my teamwork.
Thank you for reading this letter and my application proposal, and I hope that you will consider me for this position.

Sincerely Yours,
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Reply Sat 18 Aug, 2018 07:14 pm
Scrap it and start again.

-Announcing yourself is silly, they will know who you are by the accompanying applicatiom
-110 of what? What score is this supposed to represent? ACT, SAT, ASVAB... Specify what test and how it correlates to what the entry requirements are
-Who cares where your parents are from? Use it only to prove your heritage, not making it a side bar to your essay
- your interest in math and physics raised more and more....what?
-Again, test scores of what? Lose the "therefore," it's understood you graduated high school or you wouldn't be applying for college

And that's just the first paragraph....

Then you skip ahead and say you already have a Bachelor's. Again, that's implied since you are entering post-graduate studies.

Rewrite the entire essay.

Reply Sun 19 Aug, 2018 03:11 am
Thanks for your advises!
The university gave me a format to follow for the motivation letter.
Here you are
-As you can see, they ask me to introduce and talk about myself.
-I'm in Italy and the grade fot the Bachelor's degree is on /110.
-Yes, you're right.
-Showing how my interest in these two subjects started
-The high school degree is on /100 and they ask, as you can see in the format, the achievements of my educational career.
Thanks again!
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