@Glennn,
Believe me when I say that I understand your perspective, I believe I should clarify mine. I have no doubt that the conditions of marriage were often abused greatly. But keep in mind that the Mosaic law was not intended to create a perfect utopian society, it was a regulation of Gods people within the culture in which they themselves had formed, a band aid for a people within a corrupt and warring world, to protect the lineage and ready the people for the covenant to come.
In the ancient world, the general marriage arrangement took little to no consideration for the way a woman felt about it, even moreso in the case of war captives, they were assimilated into Israel, in those days by the standard of the land, the mosaic law gave a degree of protection against rape, as sexual relations had a permanent commitment attached to it, he would have to care for and look after this woman for the rest of his life.
A man had to wait 30 days after taking charge of a female war captive to take her as his bride, he had a 6 month "binding period" or until the arrangement was consummated in which she would live in his home and he could observe her ways and decide if he wished to make a more permanent decision, during this time if he did not wish to forge a life contract through consummation with this woman he could send her away, but on her terms and she could no longer be considered as a slave.
These men were not commanded, nor permitted to rape these women. That is not to say that it did not happen, as not all Israelites were good men, the culture itself was at times abhorrent, that a man could slaughter another, or that a man could treat a daughter as a bargaining chip for a piece of land is abhorrent. I do not excuse the culture, or the indiscretions of those that abused those in their care, but I will defend the mosaic law as a productive tool at the time.
What I will make clear however is that the mosaic law along with the culture of the time have no place in todays society or indeed in the new covenant, there are many things that would be completely unacceptable by Christian standards that were legislated but not removed in the mosaic law, but it served a purpose in the time in which it was given. If however a man understood the principles behind the laws and why they were given, then rape would not have been a question, these are the things that Jesus expanded on and replaced the law with through his ministry. A Christian man is commanded to treat his wife as he would his own body and guidance was provided for Christian men to follow with an attachment of accountability for the wellbeing of his spouse and visa versa
It is important to note that regardless of what goes on behind closed doors, each man will be judged according to his deeds, the way he treats his wife included.