Wed 18 Feb, 2015 06:31 pm
Okay, there is this guy.
We know each other since September and our beginning in that weird friendship of ours had been… not normal, if I might say.
I will try to summarize everything to not bore the hell out of you, my dear friends (or not).
We met through my older brother. He lived(s) close to us with other roommates, so we saw him a lot.
Before I go on, you must know I don’t easily trust people. Mostly guys. I had one relationship only, and it took me quite a time to open up. Don’t ask me why, it’s just the way it is.
ANYWAY. He became friend quite quickly with my brother and considering he is as shy and let’s say --reserved as me, we didn’t talk that much except for hellos.
Until one day we found ourselves deprived of friends and it was the weekend. One of his roommates was home with him and a girl he used to flirt with plus me went to a night club. I was bored and lonely—that’s why the little trip out with people I didn’t know well.
Anw, that night, he held my hand and danced with me though the girl he used to flirt with was there. I normally don’t let guys in so easily (even for platonic dancing) but I let him. I felt weird things. Was it because I have basically zero experience? Plus, he is really cute..
After that night that left me with smallish butterflies in the stomach (let’s be honest here), we acted as if nothing happened. Though we became closer to ‘friends’ than what we were before, none of us ever mentionned that night when we held hands even till today.
I knew from other people that he was interested in that one girl before even knowing my existence. She was in class with him and she had a bf. He didn’t seem to mind flirting with other girls at parties though. After ‘the night’, we acted like we didn’t care—at least, I did. But even though I saw him flirting with other girls, I didn’t mind at all. I felt nothing. In fact, he annoyed me more and more because he was such a player. I felt like he only wanted the first one willing.
But… of course there is a but… he looked at me. A lot.
One time at a pary held by a neighbor, he was dancing close with that one girl. In fact, there was a lot more involved than dancing (ahem, making out). It angered me because it was obvious he did it on purpose IN FRONT OF ME. A guy flirted with me that night. He got jealous I guess, considering he came and looked at the both of us asking if I were fine. I mean, WTF? He had no right, not after everything.
Okay, let’s skip to the interesting part now. (It IS long. Sorry. And congrats for the ones still reading my lame love life that isn’t really a ‘love’ life per se).
Our little ‘game’ none of us admitted was a game continued on and on for months. I didn’t particularly like him, he was cute, ok, but I had other guys I knew in mind… But that didn’t mean that when I saw him in the morning near the mailbox or when we hung out with my brother, that I felt nothing. I liked being well-dressed when we saw each other. I liked feeling pretty under his gaze. But we kept on being 'friends'. For other people, nothing was going on at all. Even between us, we said nothing. Acted cool. He talked more and more about the girl he liked from his class.
Then one day, she broke up with her bf. Him and her became a couple soon after. Christmas break came and we didn’t see each other that much. I didn’t feel any jealousy at the news, really, even not seeing him was fine with me. I had my friends and visited a new town for a couple days. Awesome.
But then I saw him one day. He was colder with me, but still said hello—surely because he was ‘taken’ now, and respected the girl he wanted since forever. I was fine with that, though it felt good to see him… somehow.
I saw him less and less.
I never thought about him unless I saw him.
Then we had a party. I saw him with his gf and said hello. I was with two guy friends, and we were having fun. He danced close to our group and looked at me a lot. His gf was with him and he kept touching her; not that I cared, truly. I didn’t. But then I we found ourselves alone and he asked questions about me as if nothing was going on. He made jokes and kissed my cheek. Then he got back to his gf and me to my friends.
When we saw each other after that, he didn’t hang too long but still enough to ask how things were. His dark eyes always lingered on me.
And today I saw him again after a couple weeks. My heart stuttered. WTH, uh? I don’t know. I don’t LIKE that guy. I never did. It was all an ‘attraction game’ and he has a gf, and we don’t really know each other. But when we saw each other today he had that look I know about him… It’s intense and means a lot of things. I felt weirdly happy in my own skin. I thought for an awful second ‘what if he tells me he wants me?’ the answer is I don’t want to be with him—he doesn’t know what he really wants.
So WHY? Why do I feel weird things when I don’t LIKE him? Why seeing him makes me act silly and smile bright? I want to know. I know he feels the same somehow… what is it? Can we love someone we ‘hate’? Or is it just that attraction from the beginning that is still ‘unconsumed’?
You get an A for patience. Thanks in advance for the answers...
It might depend on your exact definition of 'love', but I guess you can love someone you don't really like. I bet it will turn out to be a very short term affair.
Charming. Reading you was my pleasure. I think you love him and maybe he does too, but you two are too proud or too shy or both to admit it. This game of yours could last a lifetime.
OR you could try and reach out to him and have a lifetime of some OTHER games.
Or just play those other games for 3 months, 3 weeks or 3 days... But then at least there will be closure and you can get him out of your system and move on.