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Shared Custody. Do fathers matter in a divorce?

 
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  2  
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 08:50 am
@CalamityJane,
A boy in my oldest daughter's class had parents who divorced, dad bought a house a few blocks from mom's and restocked it entirely for the son who spent alternating weeks at each parent's without even needing a ride or a valise. That was not the healthiest situation I ever saw and how the boy worked it in all sorts of manipulative ways.
maxdancona
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 11:49 am
@bobsal u1553115,
Nastiness? Factually, given your post, I was being quite polite and rather restrained.

Where did you get the idea that my wife left me? You didn't get it from me.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 11:54 am
@bobsal u1553115,
Why do people present anecdotes as if they prove anything. They don't.

You have the look at the data as a whole. The research shows that kids in shared custody situations are happier, better connected to both parents and exposed to less fighting.
bobsal u1553115
 
  3  
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 11:58 am
@maxdancona,
Whats the custody beef about?
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 12:01 pm
There are two important issues here.

1) Being connected to both parents is, in most cases, the best thing for the children involved. It means less fighting and gives the children a chance to connect in a meaningful way with both parents.

2) Fathers are parents and should be respected and supported the same way that mothers are respected and supported. We all want equality in society. Giving fathers the message that they aren't parents on the same level as mothers is bad in many ways.

The research all shows that Shared Parenting arrangements as a whole are much better than Single Parent custody as a whole. If you look at the data, shared parenting has better outcomes in a great number of measures. Obviously there are cases (such as abuse or drug use) where Shared Parenting won't work... but in the majority of cases it is the best option.

The opposition to Shared Parenting is ideologically based and is counterproductive.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 12:03 pm
@bobsal u1553115,
There is no beef. We resolved it through a shared parenting agreement. That is the whole point. My ex-wife's main beef was money. I ended up agreeing to continue paying extra child support (i.e. the amount that I would have paid without shared custody) and I threw in several thousand dollars extra to avoid a court fight (which could have hurt my daughter).

The money was well worth the result. I remain connected to my daughter... and so does her mother.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  3  
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 12:04 pm
@maxdancona,
Seriously? You think statistics aren't piles of anecdotes??????? History is a collection of anecdotes and from how those anecdotes are interpreted make up the numbers for statistics. Ever hear of "raw data"? A rape victim's mere anecdote is what also makes her a statistic and her anecdote is raw data to update or correct a statistic.

Now say something personal and snarky.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 12:09 pm
@bobsal u1553115,
No, statistics are not piles of anecdotes.

Anecdotes are chosen to support your bias. You ignore all of the anecdotes that support any other opinions or viewpoints.

Statistics are taken as a whole. The statistics take into account all of the cases, including the cases that contradict your own biases. This is a good thing. They give a real, objective, picture of what is actually happening.

I have nothing snarky to say here. I just want to point out that being able to look objectively at both sides of an issue and being able to consider complex issues from multiple perspectives are good things. Statistics allow a level of objectivity.

(I am really surprised that you got so many upthumbs on your"statistics are piles of anecdotes" post. This shows an opposition to scientific reasoning.)
bobsal u1553115
 
  3  
Reply Mon 26 Jan, 2015 08:08 pm
@maxdancona,
What a shame. You break up your own OP. And it actually was valuable until you started ad hominem.

I'm out of this one.
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Mon 26 Jan, 2015 08:17 pm
@bobsal u1553115,
There was no ad hominem coming from me. I am sorry we can't have an intelligent conversation on this topic.
0 Replies
 
Ticomaya
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Jan, 2015 08:45 pm
@bobsal u1553115,
bobsal u1553115 wrote:
What a shame. You break up your own OP. And it actually was valuable until you started ad hominem.

What ad hominem?
0 Replies
 
familylawhelpinfo
 
  2  
Reply Wed 25 Mar, 2015 01:04 pm
@maxdancona,
I agree, Max. Shared custody is often in the best interest of the child. Sole custody should only be granted in very extreme cases. That said, you might be surprised to learn many family courts are beginning to take on this perspective as well. In Florida, for example, the courts often use "time sharing" schedules instead of assigning "custody."
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 01:37 pm
@ehBeth,
Quote:
mothers getting custody really became big in the 1970's (when I grew up, all kids I knew whose parents were separated/divorced lived either with their fathers or more commonly their fathers' families)


Me thinks you are full of it:

http://fathersforlife.org/millar/images/custca.gif
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 03:00 pm
@maxdancona,
This is too deep to even try to put it into the equality box.

Some parents just are not fit to be parents and can damage the life of a child.

Children also need both parents for growth and discussions about life, they need a Father figure at the worse scenario and or a Mother figure.

Each situation in my opinion still needs to be looked at. It shouldn't be a simple case of equal share in every single case.

In addition, I do loathe Mothers that attempt to gain full custody to get rid of that "man" that was once in her life and has no consideration of the child what so ever or has moved on with another Man who she "prefers" to be the role model purely out of her own selfish reasons.

But, having said that. Some men fight purely due to the loss of finances so that he can have a point of winning and then does nothing for his child/children when he has custody.

So again, each case should be looked at.

In a good World. Each parent acknowledges that this is about the child only and not them.. If only that would be 100% of the time.

Therefore in my opinion, shared custody is not obvious. The whole reason why Mother's were viewed as having an important role is obvious. Dated back, she predominately was a stay at home Mum, therefore the level of concentration was high, with helping with homework, when a child needed to speak and be heard, understood, helped and the Father being the bread winner, for the most part was too tired to listen.

There is also an obvious fact that women are nurturing, have intuition and perhaps more easier for a girl at least to discuss becoming a woman with.

I do believe that a child needs both parents.

But, I do believe that what's best for the child is the issue, in some cases, it is best for the child to be at home with it's Mother a bit longer than across at Dad's house not doing homework Smile

hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 04:03 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Quote:
It shouldn't be a simple case of equal share in every single case.

I believe that some places in Europe shared is the default, that sole custody is only granted in unusual situations.

Quote:
In a good World. Each parent acknowledges that this is about the child only and not them.. If only that would be 100% of the time.

Therefore in my opinion, shared custody is not obvious.

How many kids do you figure think that moving week to week from mom and dads place, being a permanent transient, is what is best for them? Yet we increasingly see this. I think the way this should work most of the time after age 10 is to ask the kid where they want to live, and absent any good reason to go against that have the courts make it so. I really dislike no fault divorce too, the way I see it the courts should make some effort to decide who is the reason the kids are having their lives disrupted, and should factor that into deciding what happens to the kids.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 04:06 pm
@hawkeye10,
I think that the parent that leaves and "rents" should also consider residing close by.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Wed 22 Apr, 2015 06:54 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Quote:
There is also an obvious fact that women are nurturing, have intuition and perhaps more easier for a girl at least to discuss becoming a woman with.


You clearly don't see woman and men as having equal abilities. Hopefully there is some balance. What good qualities do you attribute to males?
0 Replies
 
 

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