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Thu 10 Jun, 2004 06:23 pm
I recently graduated and have moved to a new city with my partner. We both decided to return to his hometown because he had already gotten a job there. I applied and also got a job fairly quickly. Now, we have moved and are trying to adjust. Here's where the problem starts.
I am of Hispanic descent and grew up in a very diverse and cosmopolitan community - S. Florida. I am used to and enjoy different people, situations, etc. We have moved to a predominantly White city in the South with a population of under 1 Million. I knew that this would not be easy, but I thought that the job market was so tough that we should just take the best offers we got. Some people told me to follow the city, not the job- and now I understand that they are truly right.
I went to graduate school in a small Southern town as well, but I guess I survived that because I knew that it would end fairly soon and I could return to the cultures and experiences I enjoy. I miss the vistas of NYC, London and Miami, and wonder if I should have moved there instead. But really, I had no real decision about where to go, and figured getting the job was the most important thing to do. Now, as I look around my new environment, I feel stifled and caged.
Of course, this has led to countless fights with my partner, most of which are mere expressions of our frustration with our own personal adjustments.
Although he grew up here, it is almost a new town to him because most of his friends and family have moved away. The city has also grown a great deal since he was here. So, in a way, I can't depend on him or anyone really, to make the transition easier. I have to help myself.
I am currently studying for a state board exam, so I have also not had much time to explore or perhaps enjoy what the city has to offer. I am a fighter, not a quitter, so I try to assuage my fears and sadness each day by admitting that transition is hard but it gets easier as time goes by. I have given myself a 2 to 3 year time limit to adjust and make it work, if not, I'll start negotiations to move to a larger city then.
In the meantime, does anyone have suggestions on the following?
1. Meeting people of like interests, etc. while avoiding the weirdos out there?
2. Coping with the anxiety and depression that change brings, while not going crazy or resorting to every doctor's favorite for depression- an anti-depressant? I already exercise and do yoga.
3. Communicating better with my partner about my needs and wants while being more considerate of his?
4. Any books on self-help or transitions in life and how to grow through them?
THANKS!
My $.02 worth.
I've moved more times than I care to count but personally I think problem #1 is that you may be trying to hard or simply expecting to much right of the bat.
Lesson #1 - I've found that it usually takes about a year to "feel comfortable" in any new place. By that point you figure out all the every day things - where the stores are, where city hall is, the Post Office, etc.. It helps to read the local papers too. Watching the local news doesn't cut it. They leave out to much and it isn't as localized.
Lesson #2 is that any place you live can be good or bad. The only thing that makes the difference is your attitude. If you want to be miserible there you will be. Its a self-fufilling sort of thing. You can find culture and new experiences any where if you are open minded about it. "Culture" doesn't end when you cross outside of NYC, Miami, LA etc..
Lesson #3 is to find things that you are interested in (Google is your friend here!) and go explore. If you have interests seek out others with similar interests. I've found that if you tell people that you are new to the area and looking for places to persue your interests people are VERY helpful. Librarians are a great starting point. If you visit a local place ask them if there are other similar places around. The people that work there always know other locals in the same line of business.
As for weirdos... well, you'll always have those out there. They'll out themselves soon enough. I don't think I can offer you much by way of communicating with your s/o or self-help books (I don't believe in them).
Good Luck! Welcome to A2K too!
Fishin' has lots of good advice. Transition isn't supposed to be easy--its a form of enforced growth and change is not a painless process.
Good luck.
make it what you want
Everywhere you go there will always be somewhere else you'd rather be-some of the time.
Fish'n does have great advice but add to it..the growth you can have with your partner. You are in this together- allow each other to gripe but also put a limit on it.
Check out out your local Y or Community Center or post your own signs around town for frisbee in the park or whatever it is you like to do as a hobby. If people see you taking an initiative- they too will start being creative, more diverse and interesting- just what you want.
Plan a weekend away in a city of your choice. The more places you visit the easier it is learn what it is you like about places and people.
If, after 2-3 years you still have a longing to be somewhere else then go for it (also know that this too will have it's own bag of transition ups and downs).
There are a lot of things you can do to make it easier to be in a new and unfamiliar place.
* local politics
* volunteer at the animal shelter
* see if your college has an alumni chapter nearby
* if you were in a sorority, see if there's an alumni club nearby, or if there's interest in starting one (the central office will be able to give you specifics on that)
* head to Home Depot for classes - even if you don't own your own home, this is useful info and you meet people
* head to the house of worship of your choice
There are also cultural events although they may not be what you're used to - is there a symphony? An opera house? Summer stock? A movie theater that shows indie and foreign films?
I was in Wilmington, DE for 3 years and it was not close to what I was used to, but the thing to do is, as has been said above, make the best of the situation. For Wilmington, the things to do are - go to Philly, head to the beach, the opera house, walk around downtown, head to Winterthur or Valley Forge, etc. So there were things to do, even though it was not Boston and it wasn't New York.
Does your city have historical significance, for the Revolution or the Civil War? That might be a place to start.
Subscribe to a local newspaper and don't be too sophisticated to pick up local shoppers and other throwaway papers. If you don't know what's going on, you can't participate.
Also keep an eye out for tourist information geared to the area. After all, since you won't be there forever, you're a long-term tourist.
Borrow a dog and walk in the park. Dogs are wonderful conversation pieces.
Enjoy.
Check out the local Chamber of Commerce. They have lots of information for newcomers, as well as tourist-oriented info.
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