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SUNDAY GROANERS

 
 
Misti26
 
Reply Sun 5 Jan, 2003 08:48 pm
SUNDAY GROANERS

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind
in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man
who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during
a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers
to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can
prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with
his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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timberlandko
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Jan, 2003 11:50 pm
A scientist, a Marine Biologist, was working on a formula to enable immortality. His progress was good, and he had reached the point at which testing on higher animals was indicated. His choice for higher animal fell to porpoises, to which he had easy access. Research indicated a particular hormone was required, a hormone found in nature only among the pre-adolescents of a particular species of Seagull which lived only in a State-Run wildlife preserve on a remote Siberian tundra. Mounting a surreptitious expedition, the scientist managed to gather a sufficient quantity of the juvenile birds to continue his work. Flushed with thoughts of wealth and fame, he failed to notice, as he sped away in Landrover, a pair of lions, also inhabitants of the wildlife preserve, cross in front of his path. He struck and ran over the lions, disabling his vehicle in the process. Some time later, a helicopter appeared, and as it landed, the scientist thought his rescue was at hand. The wildlife officers in the helicopter, on hearing his story and verifying the details, arrested him on the spot for transporting young gulls across State Lions for immortal porpoises.



timber
0 Replies
 
najmelliw
 
  1  
Reply Mon 6 Jan, 2003 11:01 am
I find puns in English sometimes difficult to understand, because english not my native tongue. Still, as far as I understood them, I liked the puns Misti. The florist friars pun has me stumped however.
But I loved the pun by timber... Only took me a while to get it! Very Happy Very Happy
0 Replies
 
Misti26
 
  1  
Reply Mon 6 Jan, 2003 03:18 pm
Nejmelliw: Don't worry about it, I don't understand a lot of it myself:)

Nice to see you here!
0 Replies
 
Equus
 
  1  
Reply Mon 6 Jan, 2003 03:26 pm
Nejmelliw: A famous saying of US Forest Service is, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires". Hence, Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
0 Replies
 
najmelliw
 
  1  
Reply Mon 6 Jan, 2003 03:53 pm
Thanks Equus! That helps! I didn't know that line(obviously), so I couldn't place it correctly!
0 Replies
 
 

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