Dealing with a temporary separation

Hi rich, welcome to A2K!

Sorry you are going through a hard time. My husband and I lived in different countries for 6 months (before we were married), and it sucked. But it was sooo wonderful when we did see each other again...

Is there any way that you can go and visit her? You don't mention specifics of your job situation, etc., but I'd imagine that actually seeing her and helping her deal with this new fear would help you both.

Meanwhile, try not to read too much into things -- this is scary and sad for her as it is, dealing with her mother, but that does not mean that she is ill herself, at all. Stress is notorious for messing with an otherwise healthy person.

Keep things as concrete as you can, emphasize the fact that you love your wife very much rather than how scared you are of losing her, and do as much as you can to help the situation -- write, call, email, visit, whatever you can do.

Good luck!

rich987652- Welcome to Able2Know. I am sorry that you are going thru so much emotional pain. How long is you wife planning to stay with her mother? Has the mother been given only a short time to live, or could she linger indefinitely?

I think that you need to discuss this with your wife, and come to some joint decision about how long the two of you will be away from one another. Is there any way that you could take some vacation time, and be with your wife?

As far as her abdominal pain, be careful not to "jump the gun". She is taking care of it, and chances are that it is something that CAN be fixed.

I know that you are feeling quite vulnerable now, It might be a good idea for you to talk this out with a professional. Good Luck!

Thank for your kind responses.

The situation is as follows. We only found out about my wife's mothers illness two weeks before Christmas and so we both went over there for Christmas and I was there until the 27th Dec. My employer very kindly allowed me the extra time off on full pay, but I can't really go back over there again partly due to the fact that it is so expensive and we don't know how long my wife is going to stay for.

Her mother is probably very near the end and my wife will stay there until her mother dies. The doctors gave her 'weeks to months' and that was about 2 weeks ago, so the exact timing is uncertain.

As for my wife's health. She first felt some pain after a biopsy after an irregular cervical smear test in June last year. She went to the doctors but examinations showed nothing and she was given painkillers. The pain gradually diminished but never disappeared and while we were visiting for Christmas, the pain resurfaced and has got worse in the last 2 weeks. So, this pain isn't a new thing and due to what happened last year, this is causing more uncertainty.

I really am doing my best to stay upbeat, calm and optimistic but it is very hard especially considering the distance apart but at this time we have no other option. Your kinds words are a great comfort though I promise you.

Oh man, rich, that's tough.

My husband and I were separated for 4 months in 1994 (January through April) as I started a new job in Rhode Island and he finished up an old job in New York.

The phone bill got expensive. Amtrak got a lot of our business. I unpacked and decorated the new apartment without him. And, it was stressful, as I knew no one in Providence and all I would do was: get up, go to work, eat lunch at my desk, go home, call my husband, eat dinner in front of the TV, unpack, shower and sleep. Again and again and again. To make matters worse, it was a lousy job and the winter was pretty brutal. One time he came to visit and the normally 4 1/2-hour train ride turned into a 14-hour odyssey -- and the poor man didn't have a place to sit for that whole time. I was frantic (we don't have a cell phone and at the time we didn't have Internet access at home) and kept calling Amtrak, wondering if the train had derailed, or something.

My husband, on his end, didn't have a great time of it, either. He'd been working at this place for nearly 7 years and needed to hit 7 to have his profit-sharing vest 100%. The work was getting dull because he knew he was out of there. Plus, he wasn't looking for a new job in RI because we knew we weren't going to stay there (the idea all along was to move here, to Massachusetts). He was living with his folks so there was that whole dynamic again.

The main thing that kept us going was that we both knew it was going to end eventually. E. g. we didn't have to do the separation thing forever. Naturally, the end point for us was far different than it will be in your situation, but I think it's okay to think of this as things won't be this way forever. Perhaps your mother-in-law will go into remission, and your wife will be able to come home for a while. Maybe your mother-in-law can be brought closer to your home so as to make the physical separation a bit less and hopefully cut the costs of travel between the two places. Are there syblings? Perhaps another one could stay with your mother-in-law for a while so that your wife could have a break and tend to her own health. Even if there are no syblings, your mother-in-law's insurance might cover some sort of care that would at least allow your wife a few hours of freedom to be able to go to a doctor in that city and get some tests done. Knowing what's going on with your wife's health - even if it isn't good news - will be of some relief to you and your wife.

I wish you only the best.

Hi rich,
In reading your post, I can feel the pain you you must be feeling. I know that travelling to see her and her you, adds up financially, so does the phone bill and then you have to live as well.

Have you tried writing a journal - for her.
You could write in there everything you think and feel and when she comes home, you can give it to her to read. She'll love it.

Ive had alot of abdomen problems over the last 4 years, and it has been a scary ride along the way because while Ive been to doctors and specialists, my Nana died of cancer which started in her Ovaries, my cousin had a hysterectomy, My aunty had cysts. And this is all on my mothers side of the family. Its a scary, scary ride and one that has a yes or no answer, theres no inbetween.

Back to the journal idea, as a female who cares for another, Id love to get something like that, especially when times and life have been very trialling.
I encourage you to do this. And to keep being strong. I look forward to hearing how you go along this path.
Good Luck

I hear ya, Rich. Only this past summer my girlfriend (going on 6 years of living together now, I think) found out her stepfather had cancer. We're in Seattle, her family's out in New Jersey. We'd been out when he wasn't feeling well in June or July (how poor memory can be), and she of course went out again shortly after finding out for about a week and a half. He'd been given a several weeks to live, so they went to Scotland for one last trip, where he slipped into a coma and died. This was in early October. The girlfriend went to Scotland to help with the arrangements, then to New Jersey for quite a while to help her mother deal with things. The gf has a circulatory problem in her extremities that is aggravated by cold weather and stress, which of course only added to her burden. I spent most of this time in Seattle with the dogs.

It's been a rough experience all 'round. All I can say is, hang in there, try to let the experience give you some perspective on things; after all, it's hard on you and your wife -- it must be terrifying for your mother-in-law. Death is harder these days, I think, because of the distances that are so often involved. Families are spread all over the country, so instead of all being together at these times they are pulled apart.

I hope your wife turns out to be all right; it sounds like she's keeping an eye on things, and an ounce of prevention and all that...

Good luck, Rich, really. Hopefully everything will turn out as well as it can. In the meantime, try to keep your spirits up and your ears open ('cause your wife's bound to have a lot that she needs to talk about), and offer as much support as you can. Sometimes it's all you can do when you're at the edge of a situation.

Rich<

Your emotional pain in this situation seems very appropriate. Separation anxiety between partners is usually "normal." In your case,
the uncertainty over the health of your mother-in-law and your wife has left you feeling powerless. They are, after all, 4,500 miles away.

I am not a psychologist, but I think we must all give ourselves permission to grieve our losses. You have lost your wife, at least temporarily, and the threat of her illness has triggered thoughts of a permanent separation.

Time always seems to put situations such as these in a better perspective. Meanwhile, seeking the opinions of others by using forums such as Able2know shows your need for validation of your feelings. Rich, I think most men would be feeling just as you are in a similar situation.

It is always okay to feel your feelings. They are transitory, and living in the present moment can help bring you some peace during this stressful time.

Rich I have been in the same situation as your wife. I had to go to another continent to care for a family member who was terminally ill and was away for months. I know all about the uncertainty, the difficulty in making plans etc. Your input in the form of letters, emails, phonecalls, photographs etc. can relieve and give immense joy to both your wife and her family as they deal with this stressful situation.

All you can do is accept that this situation won't be for ever. Plan a visit on a long weekend if you can manage it. Throw yourself into independent activities such as work, hobbies and getting together with friends. You will be a great support to your wife and she will value you even more...

A girlfriend of mine has a husband who is some sort of engineer who works all over the world. She does not see him for weeks at a time. She does not work. What she has done is thrown herself into all kinds of activities, started clubs, chairs committees and does all sorts of things that keeps her busy, and not lonely.

Hi Rich, it sure is good to meet you!! I AM sorry to
hear you are under so much of a strain. I can't
imagine what you are feeling, but it sounds so
very painful. It IS hard, to have some kind of
"trust" or "faith" in anything nowadays. But one
thing that you CAN put your trust in is YOURSELF.
I have had some similar problems in my life and
one of the things that I have noticed, over all
these years, is that 99% of my fears & my worries
are over things that never happen, that don't even
come close to happening.
So, I have decided that the ancient quote:
" A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero dies but
one" is very appropriate for me. All MY fears have
come to nothing, but they HAVE destroyed the
QUALITY OR MY LIFE AT THE TIME. I see that
I imagined worse case scenarios - and actually
tried to deal with them, when they hadn't even
happened. I found that when very painful, and
difficult things DO HAPPEN.... somehow I DO
manage to find whatever it takes to live through
it. I consider myself to be a very lucky person.
All thru the years my 3 daughters were babies, then
children, then teens, then going through all that
independence/separation business that is SO HARD
on all parties concerned - I was HORRIFIED of the
thought of ever losing one of them, and I lived in
such constant fear! Now here I am, a grandma with
3 grandkids, my girls are 35, 33, and 31 and all doing
just fine. I started to TRY to believe that if a hard,
painful, horrible situation happens in my life - that
I would hopefully have whatever it takes to deal with
it "at that time". I know that I can't have what it
takes to deal with my fears - in advance. I have a
friend - a man who lost his son as a teenager in a
motorcycle accident. It was a horrible tragedy. He
was totally against getting the motorcycle but we
can't always force others to do as we want. His son
only had that motorcycle for about a month when he
died. This poor man went through years and years of
anger & grief and wishing he was dead. One day, along
came someone who suggested that he read a book called
When Bad Things Happen To Good People (because they
can, and do) and that person's suggestion helped him to
salvage what was left of his own life. I wish you and
your beloved all the very best that life has to offer.
Welcome to A2K - you will find a host of very friendly
and very wonderful folks here - as I have, and these
are one of the things in life that help us over, around,
and thru, all the tough times.

I found you all again !
Sorry for my prolonged absence after posting on here and requesting some advice, but I somehow managed to delete my favorite places from my computer and and I had no record of where to find this forum ! However, I managed to find it again by putting my username in a search into google !

For anyone interested, all my fears have proven to be unfounded. My wife is back home with me and her pelvic pain has disappeared and she had a CT scan from which she got an all-clear. All your kinds words meant a lot to me and did make me rest easier.

Hopefully I can continue to contribute on this forum rather than go AWOL for 2 months again !!


Richard

welcome rich! (maybe 2 late 2 say)