complicated situation

Reply Sun 4 Jan, 2015 09:23 am
Hi everyone!
I wanted to share my story with you in order to give me some advise in order to see if my relationship can be saved and how!
So I started dating that guy around six months ago and we had really fun and we were really in love ( he was telling me that and i could see it in his eyes and behavior) but 3 months ago my house contract was finished and I couldnt find a place to rent so we deceived ( his idea) that we can live together for a month or 2 until I find something else. In this point I want to give some info about both of us. I am 24 years old and he is 23 but he didnt have a serious relationship on the past, only one partner and that's all. So we moved in to his room ( because he is renting a room with shared kitchen and stuff). After 2 months I found a place but I still had most of my stuff at his place and we were practically still living together. ( a really big mistake as it turned out) The next month we had many fights due to the fact that we were living together in such a small place( and I forgot to mention what we are from different countries_ he is from northern Europe and I am from south-east europe so were are many differences in the way that we are thinking and act. for example he never fights with anyone because he doesnt say his opinion- exept from me i think) But we were ok except from the fights and the pressure, I mean we cared for each other really much, we wanted to spend time together ( but as I used to say all the time_ not quality time! we were as an old couple which didnt get out for the house that much, to go on dates) So one morning he said that he loved me and we were ok but then we had a fight about what we are going to do in NYE, because he wanted to spend it with his friends and I wanted to spend it together, and he said that he sees me all the time and he want to spend it with them( but i have to mention that I was always the one who proposed him to meet his friends and go out with them ) So I took a decision to tell him that I want to move out in order to have more special time with eachother. But when I told him that we understood that I wanted to break up so he was shocked but he said "it's probably for the best"! and then when I realized what was happening I couldnt change his mind. He wanted to break up! he said that he had doubts sometimes about us for a couple of weeks but then he forgot about them when we where ok, so he didnt mention anything! So I left, and I text him 4 hours after to see if he changed his mind because it was a bit out of the blue, but he said he didnt and we dont have a spark anymore but we needed to talk about it in somedays after we were more self-collected so I said 'yes ok but I still want to make a try because the setiation is like that because we moved in to fast, and I propose to start dating for a while. ' but he didnt want to. So 2 days after that I was in a bar depressed, unconfident, heart-broken and a guy kissed me and I kissed him but for a sec or two but then I stopped. But the guy was really funny he mayde me laugh for the fist time and feel a bit better so I agreed to meet him again. 2 days after that I met with my ex and before he walked in the door -he said- he was sure that we wanted to break up, but when he saw me he wasnt so sure any more. So we talked about it. He said that he doesnt know how he feels about me but he cares about me, he missed my hugs and the stuff that we were doing but he is not sure that he misses me..and I told him that I dont know either how I feel about him because he broke my heart ( that was 4 days after we broke up) so we said that we will try to date for a month to see if there is still something between us and we will try to say everything to eachother from now on. So in our next date I took the courage and told him that while we were broken up I kissed someone but now I told him that I am trying with my ex and I just want to hang out because I really enjoy his company. He seemed jeallous for the first time, because he had admitted that he had me too much for granded until then ! but he said that he cannot blame me and it was his fault that he broke up with me. So we enjoyed 2-3 more dated and they were pretty good and he admitted that he didnt realize that most of the staff that made him mad were because of living together! and the day before he left for holidays in another country, we met up. He know that I had spend some time with the other guy and I assured him that nothing is going on. But the previous day he addmited that he was in a party with friends and he didnt want to talk to me ( because he said that I wanted to stop thinking about relation stuff and you with another guy) and also that he was with a girl taht we both knew in a room alone for 20 mins and he wanted to kiss her but he didnt because he thought it wasnt fare for me. Also he said that he doesnt have any experience with other girls and he feels like I am moving on ( going out with friends and stuff) and he is not. So I told him ( another really big mistake of me) that I am ok for an open realationship and he can try to go out and kiss other girls but I ll do the same, and maybe pushed it a bit to far. But he said that he wont probably do something because he is not good in flirting and I ll do many thing.. but we agreed and he left for holidays. So i thought about it a bit more if I want it or not and I text him that it's probably not a good idea because I dont know if the one can forgive the other but I really want him to do something with someone else in order to take it out of his system. and he said that he doesnt know what he wants but he prefer not open, and again me- the idiot pushed it to be open ( he even asked me to admit that I wanted sex this week but he couldnt understand that i am not doing it for me and I didnt want to do anything) So we agreed that it is ok to flirt and kiss for 10 days that he ll be out of the country and then we ll see. So right now it's the 3rd day that he is away and I dont want to disturb him so I ll wait to see if he ll miss me and call me. So that was my terrible story, I know that i did many mistakes but I want to give us a try, and I am doubting if he wanted to kiss someone else because I hurt him and he didn't want to admit it or our relationship is really over. I want to work it out because I think I am still in love with him, so I want suggestions in how to make it work, bring the spark back and correct the mistakes!please help! Sad
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Reply Sun 4 Jan, 2015 10:17 am
Welcome to A2K.

You have my sympathy. Young relationships are hard and even harder when separated by long distances and different cultures. You're bucking a lot of dismal odds for success. Relationship inexperience is an even harder dynamic to overcome.

Pardon me if this a bit blunt: This message besides being hard to understand logically...was nearly impossible to read. When you post a long thread in a forum, you need to separate it into non-run-on sentences and shorter paragraphs, if no other reason than to make it easier to read. Having a long, unbroken block of text makes many people not want to read it.

Making a long story short, here's my advice: move on. Playing games with certain rules about how to conduct yourselves when apart is absurd and doomed to failure. Besides you can't bring a spark. It's either there or it isn't.

On a different note, if you want a strictly sexual relationship, then you need to figure that out in a entirely different way. Especially if you want one that allows other types of relationships to exist.

You're both not ready for commitment to each other or anyone else. Maybe eventually you could be friends...but you should not be in touch for awhile (or not at all) until you settle into your own separate lives. You're relying on each other for validation. Personal validation and self-confidence comes from within - not from being a relationship - especially a dysfunctional one.
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Reply Sun 4 Jan, 2015 03:24 pm
I hope you moved into your home - completely and alone.

You need some time away from this guy to get your head together. The fact that you AND he are attracted to other people once in a while is indication that neither of you are ready for an exclusive relationship.

You had an intense live-in relationship with this guy. It's hard to loosen up from that. But he was your live-in mate, not really a quality BF.
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