Needing Advice

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Last August I moved out to Florida and in November I met this guy. We hit it off really well and three weeks in started dating. I just had this really great feeling about it, like a “when you know, you know” feeling. Shortly after we became an “official” couple I was starting to feel like an outsider amongst my new group of friends and when I went home for the holidays which was only for one day (I work in Basketball so game schedule for December was around Christmas) I began to feel very homesick and during this “the guy” was in England with his mom for Christmas so I didn’t really have anyone there to lean on. So, when he got back from his vacation things were great between us until one morning I heard his iPad go off and being curious I went to look what it was. It was nothing but I decided to check out the iPad because I didn’t have one. Not thinking about what may be on it, I found pictures of a girl he went to college with. I was furious and I was hurt. How could someone that is so in love with me betray me like that? And I’m a pretty confident person and I know I’m not ugly or fat but that hurt beyond words and since that has happened I’m still having a hard time trusting him still to this day, almost a year later. Soon after the pictures came I started lashing out because I was hurt and missing home, I wasn’t fitting in with my group of friends anymore and everything was just taken out on him. Social media became a big part of our issues because the pictures I found just really fucked with my head. He broke up with me at the end of March 2014 because I wasn’t trusting of him and two weeks before that I had, had a little too much to drink at a party and slapped him because him and his friends weren’t including me in anything and I was already feeling rejected by the little friends I already started to have issues with. I’m a pretty easy going person and not feeling wanted by friends just through me for a loop. I’ve never physically hurt anyone either so that really got me and of all people why would I do it to the one person that was there for me. Anyways, we moved past what I had and I’ve been working really hard on trying to trust and forgive and although pictures of girls might be a petty thing to get upset about but honestly coming from a person who that had never had happened to before, it really shot my self-esteem and my confidence. Maybe I blame him for that? That I don’t have the confidence I once had. It’s now almost 9 months later and we’re still working on things. I recently found out that I have a mood disorder and am seeking regular therapy sessions and he started teaching in August. I’ve came a long way from where we were and where I was mentally 9 months ago but things are always up and down, good and bad between us. I want to spend more time together and I want him to make more of an effort and despite him sticking through my disorder with me and giving me more chances than I deserve, he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. It’s confusing as hell and he says he loves and doesn’t want me to be with anybody else, but he won’t commit. I’m not sure what to do anymore and every time I bring it up he gets mad and is either too busy or says he’s not ready because he’s scared of what our relationship had turned into before. So I guess my question is, what’s your brutal, honest opinion? Have I fucked up more than enough and it’s my fault this is how things are or is he just keeping me around at his convenience?

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@kara16,

It's really hard to move States, or Countries, find new friends and this all occurred during festive seasons. Did you ever ask him about the pictures, I mean, you two at that stage had only just started dating, the pictures were taken obviously before you two met, perhaps never deleted.

It's great that you are seeking help for your mood disorder but hon, honestly everyone has something to deal with so don't beat yourself up on that.

If this guy hasn't been with you for 9 months as a boyfriend, then do you really want him?

Quote:

he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. It’s confusing as hell and he says he loves and doesn’t want me to be with anybody else,

It's not his choice whether or not you find someone else and it's selfish of him to make you feel that he's holding you there somehow so that you can't find someone else, yet won't bring you back into his life, within a relationship.

If I was you? I'd concentrate on the therapy pertaining to your moods, go hit the gym, find new friends as well, buy a new lipstick, just looking at your photo you have a lot of beauty and a lovely smile so go smile. Then decide who you want in your life, he doesn't get to make that choice..

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@kara16,

Sounds like you need to focus on being healthy on your own.

Try to step back, take care of yourself, try to have a friendship with the guy, don't push on the relationship aspect.

Learn how to be a friend to yourself and others in your life.

A relationship may follow, or not, but in the meantime you could gain a good friend.

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@FOUND SOUL,

I did ask him about the pictures and he had brought her up conversation at dinner prior to me coming across them but was saying negative things about her, how she was nasty in college and he was showing me her instagram photos and bagging on her. She models for biker magazines so ya she's pretty and super tiny but its all done up. But he had been looking at them on FB and said he didn't mean to save them but it still hurt. I say I've let it go but sometimes I feel like I haven't and I believe him when he says he wouldn't do it again so I don't know why I keep thinking it will happen. It drives me crazy.

I keep telling myself that we'll be in a relationship soon but it's like every time I mess up or even bring up the topic he gets mad. I probably wouldn't be feeling so unsure about things if he would just commit to me and us. It's like every time I get mad or get in a "mood" he doesn't want to be with me. I'm not perfect and I've been really trying but sometimes I'm going to get mad about things, everyone does.

Thank you so much for your advice though. It always helps seeing a strangers opinions.

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@ehBeth,

That's what I keep telling myself I need to do, just focus on me and if he doesn't want to commit then I need to move forward.

It just seems so hard because we've talked about serious things like marriage and living together and I'm not sure I can be friends with him. He's my best friend and I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle being just friends.

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May I ask your ages? Are you both in college?

You ARE in a relationship! So stop over obsessing about that definition.

Now - make it a quality relationship. You can start by calming down and developing nice memories with him. It sounds like you spend a lot of time arguing over nothing.

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@kara16,

kara16 wrote:

He's my best friend and I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle being just friends.

if you can't handle being "just friends'' then I think you should move on.

I believe that good relationships are based on true friendship, not friendship that only exists as a route to a relationship.

If you can't be his friend, leave him alone.

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@kara16,

I find an ultimatum certainly clears doubt. My husband gave me one when it came to marriage. He either comes through or not. Be ready for either..Some people need that clear choice...I was one of them:-).

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@kara16,

First, you have to keep in mind that people have had previous lives, previous relationships and previous everything. Having a picture of a female college friend on his ipad is no big deal. It threw you out of the loop and from there you spiraled out of control.
After you slapped him he was right to end the relationship and although he
still loves you, he probably can see that you're still torn and unstable.

Like everyone said before - attend to your own problems first, get through therapy and work through your trust issues and self esteem and once you are back on track with your own life, you can think about sharing it with someone else. Until then I would advise you to remain single.

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After nearly a year, why are you still hung up on some pictures on his ipad? You just seem too fixated on the fact that this single guy who you had just started dating had the gall to have pictures on his ipad of someone else.

I have pics on my phone of a number of female friends, but my wife doesn't get all crazy about it because she knows she holds my heart. Maybe you need to figure out why you cannot trust him enough to let go of this anger over some pics.

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