Sun 28 Dec, 2014 03:11 am
I am in serious need of some perspective!
The background: I am a sexually spirited woman. Not like the kinds of women that pretend to be, in order to impress a man in the beginning of a relationship, but I actually DO love sex. I love all of the wonderful things that come with the package too. Intimacy, pleasure, pain, openness, knowing someone on a deeper level, the challenge, discovery of ones deepest inner desires and of course, am a firm believer in sex as stress therapy. Needless to say, if I have to wait more than a couple of days without sex, I get grumpy. I am told that I am an attractive woman, and get hit on a fair bit.
The beginning: I met a wonderful guy. The real deal. Someone you fall in love with and eventually marry. Someone who makes you laugh and brings out the best in you. Before we started dating I'd heard rumours that he was a bit of a "freak in bed" and I'll admit that it did pique my curiosity and may have nudged me closer to him, despite my strong desire to remain single after my divorce! He pursued me for a long time and eventually I gave in - the sex was spectacular! He wasn't quite as naughty as id hoped but he certainly enjoyed the rougher aspect of sex and that I loved. I enjoyed how utterly comfortable I felt with him sexually and intimately. Best of all, he was coachable! We continued to have great sex - daily sex and life was good! The relationship progressed. We were perfectly compatible and he kept up! That was a breath of fresh air. It was always wet and wild and usually accompanied by multiple orgasms. I thought i'd found myself a unicorn! Yay me!
The problem: Let me start off with saying that he is uncircumcised. Although not my preference, not normally an issue but in his case, the birdie was too big for the cage, if you know what I mean. He has really tight foreskin. So much so, that the skin will not pull back when he is erect. Only in a flaccid state. I had no idea that this was a thing. I remember it raising a concern for me in the beginning but it never seemed to cause a problem. So, que sera sera. Well, after about a year or so, he began complaining about pain every once in a while after sex. I felt bad for him and bought him special creams I thought could help. The pain became more frequent and eventually unbearable for him. His foreskin would tear, bleed and then scab which caused even more pain if we had sex again. This resulted in us trying to wait until it was healed before having sex again. The poor guy. I wanted to help him but couldn't do anything. Nothing changed on my part, I still got as wet as ever - squirted, orgasmed etc. I even stopped doing my kegals thinking that might help in the short term. The problem persisted and became so frequent that it seemed to be happening all the time, or he became less tolerant to the pain. Either way, It became difficult to handle. I started the inevitable interrogation of myself - is this a legitimate problem or is it an excuse? Could he be cheating? Was he still emotionally and mentally committed? I asked myself all the normal questions - everything was cosher. I was however, invariably initiating sex and getting shut down - this had never happened to me before - ever! I wasn't even sure how to handle it. I tried to mask my disappointment and be understanding, supportive and caring. All the things that a good girlfriend should do. Eventually I got tired of being turned down and started becoming less diplomatic about my frustrated rants. I remember thinking, "what a baby, I had kids out of this vagina and didn't cry like this, plus I was back on the band wagon much earlier than recommended!" The arguments became more about him not wanting to address my needs and that there were other forms of intimacy he could try so that we wouldn't lose the connection we had. I even left subtle hints about threesomes and pursuing sex clubs to keep the flame going but he had zero desire to participate - likely because he was feeling a little less of a man. These types of conversations only caused tension so I finally pleaded with him to see a doctor. I said that we could not keep going on like this and that there needed to be something that could be done. I grew so frustrated and couldn't understand how a once perfectly operating penis could all of a sudden, have such a problem. After much research and a doctors examination, he told me that his family doctor believes that he has a rare condition where a flap of skin has grown over time and is making the already tight foreskin, even tighter. Apparently this is causing the problem. He was referred to a specialist who could only see him... *Gulp* 6 months later!?? I was horrified. You want us to wait- 6 months??? I was infuriated at the medical system, i even began to question whether he was telling the truth and had actually even gone to the doctor. During one interrogation, I even caught him in a blatant lie about prescription cream he was supposed to pick up as per the doctors orders but didn't. His reasoning was about a side effect he was worried about. It just became too much. I tried to "turn off" my "downstairs" to flick the switch and stop being so needy. I should have had a funeral for my vagina. We are now into our 5th month of waiting and the damage is devastating! The odd time we have sex its awkward and uncomfortable. It's over before it begins. It's sad. I do a better job myself as I'm sure he does too. Because he has become a little depressed over all of it, he has also gained a lot of weight so that makes it even more challenging. To cap it all off, regardless of how much I keep telling myself this is not my fault, my self esteem and self confidence have taken a massive blow! Now let me just say that this is so horribly ironic and that if I wasn't in physical pain over it, I might even appreciate the irony - that a woman who loves sex and has been accused of being a nympho, is now facing this sort of dilemma ...with the love of her life. Murphy's law is my nemesis! This once perfect relationship has began to take a very difficult turn and as much as I try to be patient, understanding and supportive, I have a burning desire to get fucked - hard - it's killing me! I haven't cheated although admittedly the thought has crossed my mind lately out of pure frustration. I catch myself day dreaming and then give my head a shake. I will remain faithful but I try to stay away from any temptation, any men who have hit on me or shown any interest. Old flames .. All of them - for fear of not being able to control myself. I am dying here. I feel like a hollow empty insecure shell. Like a Ferrari that has been left under a tarp in a garage only to be started once in a blue moon but not actually driven. God, I know that sounds lame but hell... What else can I say. I NEEEEED sex. The lack thereof is causing serious bitterness which is causing a whole new set of problems. It's like a vicious cycle. Oh, it also happens to be slap bang in the middle of a massive career change for me. I have started my own business which of course is overly stressful and man oh man - I could really use the damn stress relief - the outlet, now more than ever!!! Worst of all, I can't even imagine how he's feeling and that worries me.
My question: Now that I have completely overwhelmed you and possibly even grossed you out with way too much information (for which I am so sorry) I really need your help. Please provide some insight. What the hell do I do? Keep waiting and hoping that we can get this sorted out? That he goes for surgery and then we just get back to our normal sexual selves? Can we even rekindle what we had after such a blow? How long does that take? And how do I cope in the mean time? How do I support him during a difficult time like this? How do I keep myself from cheating when every man is staring to look like a giant walking penis that is tormenting me because my vagjna feels like it is drying up and shrivelling away to nothing?? Or... Just tell me I'm being an insensitive asshole. That I should stop having needs or at least have an easier time repressing them. That I should put him first for the sake of love??
Thank you for taking the time to read my question. I look forward to your insight.
How long have you been together?
Phimosis isn't so rare, I'm led to believe, and there are both surgical and non-surgical solutions. What has he tried?
Can you think of any reason why sex may have come to feel like a burden or a duty to him? Does he have to do all or most of the work?
We have been together almost 2 years.
Initially he tried some stretching excersizes but that was short lived. He won't try the creams because he believes there are side effects.
Sex should not be considered a burden to him at all. If anything I more than pull my weight. I enjoy being on top and always ensure he is pleasured. It is more difficult because I am careful now not to hurt him by being too rough. He had also become self conscious because he has gained a fair bit of weight.
I think it's just a mountain out of a molehill at this point :-(
Here's why I asked about how long you'd been together: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4669104.stm
My own experiences are anecdotal, of course, and not worth much, but the 2-year thing seems about right to me. Maybe someone who has more experience with long-term relationships can offer more insight.
As for the phimosis, the surgical procedure need not be full circumcision, if I understand correctly. Of course, as a man I would try everything else before letting somebody get near my junk with a syringe and scalpel, but I'd do it to save a relationship I really wanted to stay in.
Welcome to A2K, by the way!
Thanks so much for the warm welcome and the article. I contemplated that as well. The only difference here is that it almost came to a screaming halt. It wasn't progressive enough to indicate that we had merely passed the honey moon phase.
We do love eachother very much and I know that he understands the depth of the problem. I think he's just terrified - as you said, of letting someone near his junk (as he won't try anything else) and I think that he is afraid to lose me through all of it as well.
Thanks so much for your insight though! Much appreciated! It feels good to just get it off my chest.
Hugs! Wish I had something more useful to contribute. I can sympathize with him to a certain extent. I endured years of pretty serious discomfort from 'roids because I didn't want to go through what it took to get it fixed. But once I reached the point where I was willing to have it done, I only wished I'd done it years sooner. No, it was no fun having a doctor insert his fingers into my fundament with a nurse standing by, but at some point you just have to man up and realize that it's necessary if you want to spend the next few decades leading a reasonably normal life. Maybe your guy just hasn't reached that point yet?
I might add that this is a decision he'll probably reach much sooner without external pressure. Just based on my own experience, that is. One question is how much your libido and self-esteem can endure that particular sort of lack of attention. Is he not interested in alternative ways of satisfying you?
By the way, let me know if I over-step any boundaries. Sometimes I don't recognize them in time.
You are helping :-)
Although I am a woman I do understand how emasculating something like this must be to him. I am trying not to push the issue but it's becoming a giant elephant in the room you know? I take part of the blame as well as I have basically just stopped initiating sex and that isn't helping - but I got tired of being turned down or feeling guilty for causing him pain. It shouldn't always be his responsibility but I feel like he has the control in this situation. He does occasionally try to please me in other ways ie. we have a strong emotional connection - there's just little physical interaction and now when there is, I feel cold toward it. Almost like I'm over run with bitterness or we are stuck in a limbo land :-( argh! This sucks!
Again, I appreciate your words. Hugs
Well, I guess I have to admit that I'm a bit out of my depth at this point. I'm not a sex or relationship counselor or anything. Speaking of which, how do you think he would react to the suggestion of seeing one? Bearing in mind that that also has a certain danger of being emasculating. I resisted marriage counseling before my divorce because I felt at the time that a "real man" should be able to solve his problems without any outside help. I was wrong, but it took me years to realize that.
I guess that will be my last option but a worthy consideration. Thanks again for your input and conversation.