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Mon 7 Jun, 2004 06:18 am
Hello everyone. I am having some trouble with my boyfriend I would really appreciate it if any of you could give me some advice. well here it goes...
Some things have happened recently that I feel really guilty about. I have this friend that i've known since 7th grade he had always been jealous of the fact that I had been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Recently me an my boyfriend had broken up about five months ago. My relationship is long distance but it has lasted almost three years until he had broken up with me. Me an my ex still talk to each other an still wanting to get back together when he moves down here so we have things on hold at the moment. I had recently got a phone call like two days ago from my friend an he had told me that he talked to my ex an told that my ex had said some things about me an our relationship so of course i believed my friend. So i got tired of being messed around I had emailed my ex about askin him if he wants to be with me or not an i told him about what my friend had said. I got an email from my ex saying this..
Tina, first of I apologize if you've taken my words to your sister
offensive. I tried to fix things with you, but I don't know if you don't
want to or something because you do not show the same effort. I've tried to
talk to you lately so we could gain back what was left of our relationship,
though the same effort did not come from you.
But do believe, I am not playing games with you, the incident with James was
a mere joke. Nothing more. And him telling you that I do not love you is
ludicrous and he has no right to say that because I never told him that.
And your sister, I told her that because I've seen no effort from you to
atleast talk to me. So I figured that you aren't serious about this.
So sorry if I've offended you in some way. But I guess I better go.
Good-bye Tina.
When i saw this , i felt guilty about sending that email i wrote to him. Nothing bad or anything just explaining how i felt about him. Well i finally found out that my friend has been lying to me about my ex saying things about me an my relationship. I feel really scared i wrote my ex an email after i got that one above telling him that i don't want us to end an i want our relationship to work an for him to forgive me. I'm really worried of him not wanting to get back together or to try an work things out. i've been crying an worrying. three years is a long time and i really don't want him to end it I just hope he can forgive me an wanting to work things out.
So theres my story hopefully anybody can give me some advice an again i would really appreciate it. thanks...
*tina*
Hi, Tina.
How old are you and your boyfriend? I ask because you said you have known your "friend" since 7th grade. Was wondering how long that has been.
Hi Tina and welcome to A2K. I was wondering if you and your guy ever see eachother or if it's an internet relationship. If you do see eachother, how often?
...
We have never met yet. We had planed to meet sometime this summer.
(((HUGS)))
Wow! You must have a lot of other emotions going right now, besides guilt. I imagine you are feeling some anger towards your friend who lied to you, too.
You have no reason to feel guilty about being deceived. Guilt is a very horrible feeling, but it is also self inflicted. You do not deserve to feel guilty in this situation, so the first thing I want you to do is to agree not to continue beating yourself up over this. Your trust was betrayed by your friend. That was not your fault.
Anything you said to your boyfriend that was your true feelings was honesty. Again, no guilt required if it was the truth, so cast that feeling to the floor so you can deal with the remaining feelings.
Have you spoken to your friend about his lies?
I agree with squinney. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Not yet. but I would like to talk to him about it though. But I know that after I do talk to him we will not be friends anymore.
Tina,
PLEASE talk to your parents if at all possible. You need to let them know what is going on. If you have never met this person you are referring to as your boyfriend, and you are the age you PM'd me, you REALLY need to let someone know that loves you and that you trust to understand. Do you have a teacher, aunt, older sibling, or anyone that you can discuss this with in person?
There are wonderful people here that will continue to help you with your situation, I would just feel better if your parents or someone close knew, too.
Yes. My parents do know. I mostly talk to my mom about this.
In the meantime, let's address the boyfriend letter:
"Tina, first of I apologize if you've taken my words to your sister offensive. I tried to fix things with you, but I don't know if you don't want to or something because you do not show the same effort. I've tried to talk to you lately so we could gain back what was left of our relationship,
though the same effort did not come from you. "
I have people your age in my house all the time... lots of them. I also see how they write to each other both through PM, IM and chat, and how they talk to each other in person. They do not write or talk this way. I do not believe this person is the age he claims to be.
What words to your sister were offensive? If you felt they were offensive, they were. It is extremely important that you understand that your initial reaction / gut feeling about something is almost always right. You have to trust your gut, and not allow someone to persuade you that your gut reaction was wrong! Think of it this way: How can HE determine what YOU find offensive? Note that he didn't apologize for what he said, he only apologized for THE WAY YOU TOOK THEM!!
"I tried to fix things with you, but I don't know if you don't want to or something because you do not show the same effort."
Again, he is turning this around to be your fault, when it isn't. What effort has he made? He said something offensive to your sister, is talking about you behind your back to your friend and then claiming he didn't say ... What effort has been made on his part to promote the relationship?
My sister had talked to him an she had asked him if he still loved me. he replyed " Well I do love her, but not like i use too." thats what he had said to her that i got upset at. An about showing effort , he was meaning that i might have not showed any effort of wanting this relationship to work. Which i really do want this work. He has changed a little bit an i kinda shined off a little cause i am afraid to tell him how i feel an i didn't want him to get mad or ending everything. A few weeks ago me an him had talked about being together an he had told me that he still loves me an that he still wants to be with me an then this all happens.
I don't need a public reply. This is just something for you to think about. Consider your answers, and talk about them with your Mom. I'm glad you have a relationship with her that is open.
Why do you want this relationship to work? What about the relationship has been beneficial or positive for you?
Why are you afraid to tell him how you feel? Why are you afraid he will get mad if you tell him how you feel? If he does get mad about your honest feelings, what does that tell you about your relationship?
What's the worst thing about ending the relationship?
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