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Fri 19 Dec, 2014 11:36 am
Three months ago, I told my husband that I had an affair that was off and on for two years. When I told him everything, he forgave me and treated me with so much love and compassion. He was very hurt, and mad, but he forgave me. It was very hard to do. My husband went to the man's office and told him to never talk to me again, and said he would kill him if he ever talked to me.
I cheated on my husband after months of working very close with another man. We carpooled together, shared an office, etc. I also didn't respect my husband. I make over 10 times more than him, I have a college education (he dropped out the last semester), and he didn't have a lot of drive or passion in life. I cheated with an older man who made more money then me, very successful, etc.
After I told my husband everything, a few days later I went to a mental hospital for a week. I got diagnosed with a mental disorder than runs in my family. I think all the stress made me snap from stress at work and being honest about the affair.
The first month after I told him was great. He visited me in the hospital, and things were really good. Then after month two he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore! This killed me. I begged him to stay with me. After everything I went through, I realized what my vows really meant: in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part. My husband loved me when I was sick, healthy, rich, and poor... and he was the only person I wanted to grow old with... so I fought for him.
He decided to stay with me and commit to having an amazing marriage. The problem is, although it has only been three months, everything still comes up and he is still very angry. It's hard because I know I have changed, and he even admits I'm a better wife and mother. He also says I don't work as much, which was a big problem. I just don't know how long this will last for. We are going to marriage concealing, but he is hurting so bad. I don't know what I can do as a wife to help make things better. I feel like I have already done what I can do.
Any advice from people who have gone through this how long it takes to recover? What are some things as a wife I can do to help my husband?
@surayslady,
surayslady wrote:
We are going to marriage concealing,
Well, that's part of your problem right there. Freudian slip maybe?
Instead of making some bullshit committment to have "an amazing marriage"
, why not just make, oh, I don't know, a reasonable agreement to get along as best you can while time smooths the jagged edges?
"Chi dara fine al gran dolore?
L’ore."
Translation:
Who will put an end to this great sadness? The hours passing.
~Mark Z. Danielewski - House of Leaves
It's only been 3 months - your affair was two years. Give you husband a chance to absorb all this and figure out what HE wants to do. I have a feeling that he's going to assert himself more in your marriage than he did before. You counted on him to be the "less successful" one all this time, now he seems to have some power over you and you find it disconcerting.
Stay in counseling. This is going to take time to unravel all this as to why and how you were successful in cheating on your husband for so long.
Try to get to the bottom of why you strayed.
@PUNKEY,
Thanks for the reply. Yes, he has been a lot more assertive. He has put a tracker on my phone, looks at my emails/calls, and has put strict boundaries on me. All of which I'm completely fine with. I agree it will take time.
I would say the bottom line why I cheated was because I was so unhappy with my marriage I wanted to "escape", and I wanted the care/attention of what I thought a "man" was. Now I see that my husband is a really man. I allowed success and money to go to my head.
@surayslady,
You sound lost. Working hard, feeling as if it is that you needed in life to be someone.
Now, you've accepted someone putting strict boundaries on you, snooping at every thing you do and feel that is fine.. I don't personally, as that will become very controlling, there is no trust and I understand why but if he is to forgive you he has to learn to regain trust, this I hope will come from the counselling.
I think you needed to escape from a hectic working life, you needed time out for yourself and time with your husband in laughter and fun and intimacy.
How is your husband "now a real man" when before he wasn't. Money is the root of all evil they say but I think that you resented him at the time because you made the money and he didn't. Now that you have stepped down from work and are on more perhaps equal terms financially are you happy?
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