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Thu 18 Dec, 2014 07:02 pm
For the past year or so things have been very tough in my personal life. I have had to deal with a chronic illness, and during this i felt my husband wasn't very supportive. I constantly told my husband how i felt and he kept saying that he was being supportive, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself. As all this was going on i started to resent him and started feeling very disconnected from him. He also travels a lot, so i felt the distance just pushed more of a void between us.
I have also been feeling very unfulfilled in my life. We moved to a new area and i have no friends and no one to really hang out with or talk to. I have been keeping all of my feeling suppressed and it has been really eating away at me. My husband and i got married pretty young and i have started to feel like i made a mistake marrying him so young. I think i have matured and changed a lot as a person since we got married, and i feel like i have missed out, i am still only in my late 20's. Now i look back on my life i don't think i have ever had really good sex either. My husband and i do have sex but i don't ever really feel satisfied. I have told him what i like, but he is pretty inexperienced as he hasn't been with many girls.
One day i was feeling pretty lonely and down and i had a suggestion of people i may know on Facebook, one being this guy i used to be friends with and had a major crush on back in the day. It has been many years since we last spoke, so i sent him a request. We started talking for a few weeks and i opened up and told him things in my marriage haven't been that great. He started flirting a lot and being pretty suggestive. At first i told him to stop, but then i caved. We talked for about a week about meeting up to have an NSA type thing, but then the feelings i had for him before starting to come back. I have never done a No strings attached thing with any guy ever, so it felt a bit wrong to me, but i thought that maybe a little fling is what i needed to fill the void i feel in me. I told the guy that i was considering ending the marriage because i have tried for months to fix things, but i feel the feelings i had for him are gone. He said as long as i was mentally disconnected from my husband that was fine with him.
So after a few days this guy starts to reply less and less, and then eventually says he doesn't want to sleep around and it is awkward being i am married, and he doesn't want to go through with it anymore. He said he found me very attractive, but had no romantic feelings for me, but he didn't want us to stop talking and really cares about our friendship, and would text me later seems he was at work.
He never text me, and after 5 days i told him that i really cared about our friendship also, and felt that what we had talked about had changed things, and i was just in a vulnerable state being in a marriage that is on the rocks, and i don't want to come across like an awful person being i am still married, and no reply. After trying to reach out a few times and being upright ignored, i removed him off Facebook. I later regretted doing so and re-added him. Pathetic i know, and of course he ignored the request.
So i told this whole story as i desperately need advice:
1) Should i tell my husband that i talked to this guy and both of us were being very suggestive towards each other? We talked about things we wanted to do sexually with each other, and although we never met and did these things, i still feel very guilty regardless of feeling i fell out of love with my husband. I constantly fantasize daily about sex with the other guy.
2) Do you think this could just be a phase? I have tried for a year now to work and change how i feel and fall back in love with him, but i am not sure if a year is long enough to say i tried and walk away. Regardless of all my feelings, i don't want to walk away and regret things. My emotions are all over the place right now.
3) I feel totally gutted that i ruined my friendship with this other guy and blame myself. Now i feel like he just sees me as some girl who was willing to mess around with another guy while married, and i really don't want him to see me this way. We have never done anything sexually with each other, and i really care about my friendships, especially as i don't have many close friends. Some people think that his goal was to sleep with me and then i came on too strong. Do you think i should blame myself for him ignoring me and stopping talking to me? Do you think i did all i could to save the friendship and should just leave it alone now? After him ignoring me and not talking to me for over a month now, i still fantasize about him every day sexually.
I just don't know what to do at all. I do not work currently so every day i constantly dwell on the whole situation, and feel very lonely and unfulfilled in my life. I wonder if i will ever truly have happiness again, because right now i feel like i won't, and i just don't know what to do. My lack of feelings for my husband have made me act in ways that i don't feel are me at all. I have never cheated before in a relationship, it just isn't me at all. I don't know why i was even considering this with this other guy. I am disappointed in myself and feel ashamed. Sorry this is so long but i wanted to include everything.
@flash4,
I suspect that you're obsessing because this was a pleasant break from the everyday. You said you don't work, you have a chronic illness, and your husband travels a lot on business. Plus you have few friends in your new home town, and this time of year lends itself to depression and seasonal affective disorder. This is a recipe for boredom at best and, at worst, an affair, etc. You already went at least partway in the direction of an affair and there isn't much that pulled you off that particular runaway train. Consider the other guy to have done you a favor, although it may feel like an infuriating favor right now.
I think it's time to talk to your husband, but not necessarily about the flirting, etc. Maybe the best thing to do is talk to him about getting marriage counseling. You have all of these things going on and it is affecting your life together.
What's the marriage counselor for? It's to see if there is anything to salvage. And it's also, if the marriage is to end, a way for you to develop an exit strategy. Being that you're chronically ill and not working, the economic component will be huge. Divorce is terribly costly, financially speaking. I am not saying that your wallet is more important than your happiness but this is a factor that you must consider.
Finally, see about finding some activities in town. Quilting. Poetry readings. Church or synagogue, if you're so inclined ('tis the season). The historical society. Museums. The beach, if it's close by (beaches in the winter can be compelling). A photography or computers club. A class at your local community college. The gym, if your illness permits that (you don't have to be going all-out. Even 20 minutes of slow treadmill walking will be beneficial if you are able to do that, or 20 minutes of lifting small weights or anything of the sort). Visiting the local dog park. Community theater. Volunteering, if you are able to do so ('tis the season for that as well).
Activities will help with boredom and will get you out among people and give you a chance to make some friends. Because whether or not you stay in your marriage, you should really have some friends.
" i thought that maybe a little fling is what i needed to fill the void i feel in me."
Yup, that's about it.
Forget this other guy and all that happened. It was you acting out because you are hurting. No need to tell your husband. It will not change your marriage. (unless subconsciously, you want him to leave you.)
Please go to counseling. You sound depressed and used the internet for an anti-depressant "fix" to make you feel better. Plus, your marriage is in trouble and you have health issues AND - you are bored! Not a good combination.
Thank you for all the replies, i really appreciate the feedback. There are two sides to the story, so he could well also have many things that bug him about our relationship that he has not expressed to me.
I tried many times to express things to him for months and i got shut down in my responses. He would just say "i do do that," or "I don't act like that you are taking it the wrong way." I got so frustrated feeling like i was not being listened to that i just carried on and stopped telling him my concerns. I was focused on my illness, and trying to get better.
I by no means think my husband is to blame at all. I have just been going back and fourth in my head these past few weeks in how i should go about saying/moving forward, and i guess as my emotions are so up in the air i wanted to ask people out of the situation their thoughts.
I am not saying my behavior was right, it was very wrong and i know this. I looked for attention from this other guy, and created a fantasy in my head that never existed. I thought this guy could possibly be everything i want that i lack with my husband. It is obviously very unrealistic, but i guess when you are in a certain place emotionally it makes sense to you.
The issue is that i have fallen out of love with my husband, and i am wondering if there is any way to get back to how we were. If there is, i really want to work on things, but i don't know if it is too late. I think the comments here have been very helpful. Maybe marriage counseling is a good step forward. If after this i still don't feel any different, i think it is best to move on.
It sounds like you two are not communicating and he discounts you when you express something - but that could be a defensive tact because you may be verbally attacking him.
Counseling will help you BOTH express your feelings and needs in non-threatening ways. Perhaps then you will fall in love with this guy again.
@flash4,
flash4 wrote:1) Should i tell my husband that i talked to this guy and both of us were being very suggestive towards each other?
No, absolutely not. What would you hope to accomplish by doing this?
flash4 wrote:2) Do you think this could just be a phase?
Maybe.
flash4 wrote:3) I feel totally gutted that i ruined my friendship with this other guy and blame myself. Now i feel like he just sees me as some girl who was willing to mess around with another guy while married, and i really don't want him to see me this way.
This might be true. You certainly aren't just friends anymore but you are being too harsh on yourself. You don't seem to see him as just some guy who was willing to sleep with a married woman do you? Still, this friendship is likely over.
Let me speak for your husband for a moment. It is very likely that he knows you need something but has absolutely no idea of what it is. It seems like a joke but there is a lot of truth to it - your husband is not your best girlfriend. You might need someone to listen sympathetically while he is trying to help you solve what he perceives as a problem. He may be upset that you are upset but does not know the response you need. That you shut down and stopped telling him your problems only makes it worse. He feels like he is failing you, you feel like he is not there for you. You need counseling, if only so you have someone you can talk to where all the baggage of the marriage is not present.
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