Does he want to be with me?

Reply Sun 7 Dec, 2014 03:50 pm
So, my situation is a little complicated.
I was dating a guy for about 6 weeks. It developed quite quickly; we only actually dated for about 3 weeks before we started staying over eachothers houses as we live a good 30 miles apart and it's just easier. 2 weeks ago, over the weekend I hadn't heard anything from him for a few days but I didn't worry because we don't text that much anyway. But on the Sunday morning I got a text from him saying sorry for not talking, but he's been upset because his ex got in touch to let him know her mother had passed away. I admit, I did freak out a little (to myself) that he had been in touch with her but I tried not to let it show and I was completely empathetic and understanding as to why he was upset. On the Monday we talked a little over text and then he decided to drive to mine and stay with me for the night; we had a lovely night together but he did seem a little distant. On the Wednesday night, he text me and told me he wanted to slow things down and go back to dating, obviously I was upset but I agreed because if he needed space then I didn't want to push it. Later that evening he text me again asking me not to go over the next day (like we had planned) but I had already bought my train tickets so we stuck to the plan. So the next evening I went to his and again had a lovely night. He left the house early on the Friday morning as he had work so I went home around 9am. He was texting me while he was in work and I joked around saying that I was going to stay at his for another night; he text back saying that it was all getting too much for him. I called him immediately and asked what he had meant; he said he couldn't handle me staying over another night and wanted to break up. I calmly explained that I was just joking and that I was actually at home, so he just apologised and said forget it. But I got annoyed when I realised that he wanted to break up with me over something so small, so we did end up breaking up over the phone but I said I that I wanted to see him so we could talk about it properly. I went back to his again that evening and he explained to me that his ex had made him feel guilty for being in another relationship only six months after they broke up. But he also told me that he was falling in love with me and he felt guilty for that too. I understood that completely so I decided to give him a week to think about it. The hindrance to that week was when I realised I had missed my period. I took a test and saw a very faint line. I didn't want to tell him until the next week in order for him to gather his thoughts but I felt too guilty for keeping it to myself so I called and told him. Obviously, he freaked out big time. We agreed that I would go to his the next Friday to take another test. All week he had been texting me to see how I am etc. on the Friday, I went to his, took a test and it was negative. We did a few more through the night and they were all negative. What confused me though, is that regardless of everything that's happened, he still acted like a boyfriend to me. He kissed me, cuddled me etc. and before I left his on the Saturday morning he acted so natural and just said he'd let me know what his shifts are so we could see eachother again on the weekend. I'm so utterly confused as to what's going on right now!

Additional information: he's 26, I'm 22.
His ex has moved back to her home country in Europe.
We both have busy lives. He's a scientist, I'm a student and work part time as a carer.

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Reply Sun 7 Dec, 2014 04:39 pm
You said "he explained to me that his ex had made him feel guilty for being in another relationship only six months after they broke up. But he also told me that he was falling in love with me and he felt guilty for that too."

And this guy is 26?

He doesn't know what he wants, that's why he's playing push and pull with you. He's not strong enough to stand up for himself and his own needs. He's still letting his ex push him around. And he's blaming YOU for his guilt about dating now.

Do you want to deal with that? He's a baby!!

Speaking about babies, - DO NOT get pregnant. This guy is not ready for that and he will end up being a second child to you. Don't think you are going to bound yourself to him if you get pregnant.

Take some time and see if he is able to grow up in the next 6 months. You don't even know him yet.
Reply Sun 7 Dec, 2014 05:37 pm
I never said I wanted to be pregnant. As I've said I'm a student, the next five years if my life are crucial and I can't be having babies just yet. Your last comment... I was only with him properly for six weeks, I'm not gonna wait around for six months for a guy that I was with for six weeks. This is my problem.
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Reply Tue 9 Dec, 2014 02:50 pm
He's not very mature and he's still attached to his former GF. That's why I said give him six months. He got involved with you too soon after his breakup.

If you can't wait for him to mature and get over his last love, then move on.
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Reply Tue 9 Dec, 2014 03:19 pm
You don't want to get involved with someone who has baggage and he has baggage.

His ex lives in Europe now, her Mother passed away, she naturally called everyone not just her ex, when your Mother passes away and you are young and if he's 26 that suggests that she is young, it would be devastating.

For all we know they broke up because her Mother was ill and so, she went back home to be with her.

I doubt he has gotten over her to be honest and 6 weeks is not very long at all, it's still a dating stage, you don't know someone personally in 6 weeks you get to know what they tell you and what they show you but it's deeper than that, much deeper than that over time.

You don't say how long they were together either.

He freaked in my opinion when you said you were staying over another night because his mind is with her, perhaps she was even going to ring him again that night, or him her to console her further. He didn't invite you to stay another night and he insinuated that it's over as well between you two, his heart is not with you.

He may very well have some feelings for you, starting to fall even for you but his heart is not with you.

I do feel the same as Punkey. You weren't even sure if you were pregnant and could have waited another week and checked, I don't feel that you felt guilty rather, it was an attempt to draw him back to you as you could feel you might lose him.. And, with his concerned and monitoring that made you feel he still has feelings for you. That's honestly so very normal so I'm not beating you up over it.

You have to establish whether he's pining over the ex, or ready to move on and this is just a glitch of guilt on his behalf as I said, for all you know they broke up and she went back to Europe because her Mother was sick. He obviously mentioned you in that conversation that's a GOOD thing not a bad thing, however, we don't know how or why, ie) because he wants to move on or because he wanted her to get jealous.

In my opinion the only way to do that is not to be at his beck and call at all. Not to be there to comfort him emotionally or help with any loneliness nor do you need to put yourself out for any man that isn't prepared to give the same back 100%.

You said you'd give him space give it to him. Tell him you don't feel that he is over his ex and you aren't prepared to be 2nd. Tell him you want time out for him to work it out if he's ready to move on or not. Tell him that you aren't prepared to be there for someone who is lonely rather for someone who is ready to enter into a new relationship, with you.

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