What I know will destroy marriages

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Earlier this year I was trying to repair my wife's phone. In doing so, I discovered that she had 3 different affairs over the last 3 1/2 years. These findings led me to look at every aspect of our lives that could be recorded in any way shape or form. The vast majority came from her phone and an older phone that we had replaced. Even more from bank records, cellular phone records, etc. What I found, along with my wife's transgressions was concrete evidence of 10 other married men or women who are victimizing their spouses in the same fashion.

When I say concrete evidence, I have text logs between my wife and two of her friends. I like to call them the "ring of whores". I think it's catchy. One of her friends is married to a friend of mine. She has been actively having an affair with a married man and, at the very least, had a one nighter with another married man. Her other friend is single and has had an affair with 3 married men that I know of. In total, 10 marriages are on the line. Most of these marriages (not all), involve children to varying degrees of age (none older or out of school).

7 months have passed since I gained this knowledge. My marriage is over and I have asked for a divorce. Should be served with papers any day now. However, I still sit on this secret and it is eating me alive.

My thoughts:

* My wife did not use protection with the last two men. She felt she knew them well enough that it just wasn't necessary ... I guess. Turns out, the 2nd guy she was with was cheating on his wife (one of my wife's close friends) with my wife and "cheating" on my wife with this other woman. My wife spoke to her last affair a total of three times before having unprotected sex with him. I'm sure they texted back and forth a million times, but there were only two phone calls and one face to face meeting before they hit the hotel. I had to work harder than that to get into her pants for Christ's sake. Luckily, my wife and are have remained STD free despite all the fun she's been having. The other folks I know about may not be so lucky.

* It's just wrong.

* I sat here in the home I built for my family completely alone on Thanksgiving day. This has crushed me completely and ruined my life. The last 27 years of my life (19 married) have been flushed down the toilet and I will lose my life's work in the divorce. I'll be clear on this, if I divulge this information, I will not feel responsible for the consequences of the actions of others. They did this to themselves. However, I'm struggling with the moral dilemma of "the truth shall set you free" and the fact that letting these folks know would be pouring gas on their relationships that are obviously already an inferno.

* It's just wrong.

* I know many of these people. If I don't know them, I know of them. Many have small children. I fear that, in some cases, this knowledge may lead to violence in their households. This type of thing often ends in violence of some form or another. Again, I'm not responsible for the actions of others, but I would be playing a part in it.

* It's just wrong.

What I would like to hear is what you guys think my moral responsibility is here. Fire away.

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@DLoozional,

There aren't a lot of ways to go with this.

Say nothing except for within your marriage (e. g. if you want to confront your wife, get a separation or a divorce, have at it. But leave others out of it),
Tell either/both of the other women that they have 48 hours to tell their husbands, or you will. Make sure they know you've got text logs, or
Tell the husbands directly without pushing the wives.

I have listed these in more or less preferential order. Why? Because the messenger is usually shot in these cases. The real issue is whether you've got sufficient leverage over these women, and how close you are in your friendships with their cuckolded spouses.

But seriously, people in positions similar to your own often fantasize that they will do these wonderful crusading things, help their friends, and bring the wrongdoers to a kind of rough justice, when the reality is often that the couples stay together and the whistleblower loses all of the friendships,

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@jespah,

I confronted my wife as soon as I had the knowledge of the first affair. She continued to lie and cover up her lies with more lies. I kept digging. Honestly, had she simply been truthful, I would not have known half of what I know now. Her continued dishonesty is why we are getting divorced.

I am only "friends" with one of these couples. It is not a close friendship. I know almost all of these people. I wouldn't consider us friends.

Thank you for the response.

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@DLoozional,

Your marriage is over.

What is the benefit to anyone of you doing anything with the information you have about the other couples/marriages? is it going to do you any good? is it going to do anyone else any good?

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@DLoozional,

DLoozional wrote:

7 months have passed since I gained this knowledge. My marriage is over and I have asked for a divorce. Should be served with papers any day now.

it's not really relevant but I'm curious why you're not the one who filed for divorce

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Well, it really doesn't make a difference in the state we live in. Despite all that she had done, and believe me, in that post I reflected about 2% of the real story, I did not want to give up on my family. I did the absolute best to reconcile. Looked as though it might actually happen. Then BAM, right back to square one. There were things in her story that didn't make sense. I knew something just wasn't right. So, I dug some more and found what wasn't right. She was still lying about the magnitude of what she had done. Basically set me back lower than I was the first day I discovered it.

We had become closer than we had ever been. Actually, closer (I thought) than two human beings could be. We reestablished intimacy and I experienced something in a relationship that I never knew was possible. She swore I knew everything and vowed to prove her worth and love to me every day for the rest of our lives. All that while still lying about the magnitude of what she had done.

There are several reasons why I asked her to file. Mainly, this is the final test of this woman's moral compass. What she asks for initially will dictate my relations with her for the rest of our lives. This will tell me what she thinks she deserves out of our 27 years together after she has done what she has done. I have consulted with a highly recommended divorce attorney and I know the "worst case scenario" for me financially if we contest the entire thing and a judge decides. I'm fine with that. We'll see how much remorse she actually has very soon.

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@ehBeth,

It will stop another human being from being victimized like I was. If two people who found out about her second affair had not remained silent to this day, it would have saved me the pain of her last and longest affair. I feel my silence is just costing these folks more pain, like silence did me.

As stated in my first post, people in that frame of mind are obviously not making the wisest choices. She had unprotected sex with two men. One she hardly knew and one that had a minimum of 3 sexual partners. She brought that home to me. I got tested as soon as I found out and, luckily, I'm clean. Maybe these other couples won't be so lucky. The more you play with fire, the more likely you are to get burned. The longer their affairs last, the more chance of someone contracting something.

It's wrong. Do you not have a moral obligation to at least put forth some effort when you have knowledge that a fellow human's life is being ruined?

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@DLoozional,

DLoozional wrote:

when you have knowledge that a fellow human's life is being ruined?

I do not think it is up to me to decide what is important to other people/other couples. I don't know what agreements/arrangements are part of anyone else's relationships.

We'll have to disagree whether you know that anyone else's life would be ruined if you didn't disclose the information you have.

In any case, it is obviously up to you what you do with that information.

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@jespah,

this

jespah wrote:

But seriously, people in positions similar to your own often fantasize that they will do these wonderful crusading things, help their friends, and bring the wrongdoers to a kind of rough justice, when the reality is often that the couples stay together and the whistleblower loses all of the friendships,

is how it often works out

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@DLoozional,

DLoozional wrote:

What I would like to hear is what you guys think my moral responsibility is here. Fire away.

actually it reads like you are looking for someone to justify you doing what you want to do so you won't be responsible for any possible results

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@ehBeth,

7 months have passed and no one knows. Initially, I didn't say anything because I didn't feel my wife and I had any chance of reconciliation with the outside pressures and hatred she would have to endure. Divulging this information will also impact my children. Everyone knowing what their mother is will be difficult for them.

I have not decided what to do. I posted this same question in a forum dedicated to infidelity, the victims of infidelity and how to get through those difficult times. The unanimous response was that I should divulge all the information I have. I came here to ask this question because every person in that forum views the world through similarly shaded glasses. They only see from the side of the victim. Victims tend to break out the pitchforks and torches rather quickly. I'm trying to resist that and get some outside opinions. Yours is appreciated.

Thank you

2 Replies

@DLoozional,

I'm a woman who has been following along and agree with ehBeth's views, including that it is your decision.

I think children in the social set will be less harrowed if it all doesn't get brought to light, and, hard as it is to imagine right now, possibly better for dealing with each other in the future. Maybe some of those marriages will resolve without 'interference', one way or another.

On the lack of worry about stds, I see why you want to tell, sympathize re concern about what is right on that. I think I wouldn't, but understand.

There's another thing, and I've no idea of the stats on this, but a lot of times people know something in a marriage is off; their antennae will already be up a bit.

On your house, your life's work, I really understand.
The trick is to not hate/be bitter about all that energy into it. It was a good part of your life, and not the house's fault. Try and keep some of the fondness and pride in it, even if you lose it.

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@DLoozional,

Quote:

I have not decided what to do

Other then whatever satisfaction you might feel shortly after releasing the information I can not see how you are going to gain a thing let alone anyone else.

Vengeance is a two edge sword to put it mildly except the vengeance derive from successfully going on with your life.

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Most likely, your wife has let the other women in her "ring" know that her marriage is over due to her infidelities. (you don't mention what was going on in your marriage for her to take that path, but anyway . . .)

So you don't have to do anything. If you happen to run into some of these husbands, you could mention the reason for your divorce, but don't seek them out to tell the parties involved.

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What I know will destroy marriages

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