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Thu 3 Jun, 2004 02:40 pm
OK, am I insane or what?
After 19 years together, my wife and I have come the conclusion that we can no longer meet each others' emotional needs. We wish to pursue other relationships. We both accept this and there are no ill feelings going forward from here.
The catch is, we have a teenage son who we feel would be hurt by a separation or divorce -- we both want to be involved in his life, and do not want him to experience the difficulties that our separation or divorce would bring at this point in his life.
We have discussed continuing to live together as a married couple until he graduates high school in three years. But in the meantime we would both be free to establish whatever relationships we choose outside the home, as long as it is kept discreet.
Is this possible? Would it cause more harm than good? I think it might be very difficult for me to find someone willing to date while I live at home with my wife. (Go figure)
Is this a really stupid idea, or is it a creative compromise?
14 - I think that is even more significant to me because I was his age when my parents divorced.
Flea--
I'm afraid you'd be teaching your son that fooling around while married is perfectly acceptable behavior. This role model could bring him grief--and hurt any women who love him.
If I were in that situation, I might agree to stop living as husband and wife, but NOT pursue other relationships until after the son graduated.
If you think you are protecting him, what are you protecting him from? I knew what was going on with my parents from a much younger age, so don't assume your son is not aware at the very aware age of 14.
My best suggestion is to be open and honest with him about the situation. Let him know you both love him and don't want to disrupt his life. That you still care about each other, and therefore won't be going outside of the marriage out of respect for each other and because it would be wrong.
Let him know it is YOUR choice, as his parents. You decide what is best for him, and that the decision is to in no way put pressure on him or to cause guilt.
Encourage him to be open and honest with you. Present it in a mature and honest way.
I think that the situation that you are planning, would be very muddled, and very confusing to your son. IMO, the honest thing to do is to divorce your wife, but live nearby. In that way, you can be a part of your son's life, and you and your wife can develop other lives. It is so much cleaner than living separate lives, while still living together.
I think that Noddy has hit the nail on the head..........listen to her!
I agree that an actual divorce would be best, and certainly the most honest for everyone involved. My suggestion is only for if you insist on waiting until he has graduated.
Your son will know. It doesn't matter if you don't tell him - he'll either put it together from what he observes or some well-meaning "friend" will inform him or you will slip up some time.
You're teaching him, like Noddy says, that cheating within marriage is acceptable. You're also teaching him that lies and denial are acceptable forms of behavior.
Do him the biggest favor of all: don't pussyfoot around and get the divorce. Sorry if that sounds harsh but he will respect you a lot more for respecting his intelligence and his morals, which you have presumably been trying to instill in him during his first 14 years.
I think your decision sounds very considerate, but would not produce the effect your considerations imagine. If you don't get a divorce, then don't see other people.
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