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Tue 18 Nov, 2014 11:29 am
I have been with my partner 18 years, 15 were very happy, last 3 we have been drifting due to his depression, work anxiety for both of us, having a 5 year old and a 2 1/2 year old who has still never slept a full night. We have discussed that we need to make an effort but just have no energy to do it.
My Partner went to his brothers wedding in Helsinki 8 weeks ago. He was weird when he came back. 2 weeks ago we had a huge row and he said he wasn't sure if he still loved me, I asked if there was anyone else and he said he had chatted to and been interested in a girl at the wedding (15 years younger than me). Obv I was devastated and we did lots of talking about where we had been going wrong and how we could try harder. Later that day he confessed that when the girl went to leave she had kissed him and he responded but then said 'no I can't do this', but that was it. More tears and talking.
The next day he then confessed that after the initial kiss he walked her to the door and had another kiss, this time mutual, but he pulled away and said no I cant do this. He said he told her at the start he had a partner and was in no way chatting her up, he was enjoying her company and flattered by her interest in him and surprised by the kiss.
He said he is sure he does love me, he just wants our relationship to improve (so do I) and we have started counselling. In the last two weeks I have requested that he tell me why he kissed her to allow me to understand what emotional need was he missing and he kept saying I don't know, I don't understand my self, so I have been patient. I am shamefully to say I Facebooked the girl who said it was a drunken snog with a man she who told her he was single and told me to basically F off.
Today, 2 weeks later he told me that the reason he kissed her was 'just' because he fancied her so much. I asked if he knew this all along and he said yes, he just didn't want to hurt me by telling me. I asked if he had understated the kisses and he said yes, they were very intense, passionate snogs and he pulled away when he got an arousal. I am at a total loss, I feel totally betrayed and devastated. One moment I think its just a kiss, then I have days where I can't stop crying. I cant eat or sleep and the doctor has put me on diazepam. If it wasn't for the kids I would contemplate suicide to get rid of the pain.
With today's Revelations I lost it totally and started punching him and had to be pulled off by my grown up daughter. I am ashamed of what I have become and feel so second rate. How can I have a relationship with him of he couldn't keep his hands off a girl 15 years his junior, what about the next time a pretty girl comes along. He said the the 18 years of total fidelity and honesty should be taken into account but he is no longer the man I thought he was, all I can think of is the lies and deceit. I am also terrified what else he has up his sleeve to tell me next. With each revelation he swore on my life that there was nothing left to tell. Am I overreacting, Will the pain ever go away?
You both need counseling. If he won't go with you, go alone. Find out how to get past this, and if you should, and maybe explore why your go-to reaction was a violent one.
Magic - will you put this into perspective?
1. He was unhappy, or at least bored and unfulfilled.
2. He meets a hot, young, stupid girl - and since they will NEVER see each other again, they take a risk and play some kissy face. (Didn't she say he said he was SINGLE? So don't blame her)
3. He comes home to you, little-boy shamefaced and confesses it, piece by piece, since you demand every detail. (What was that all about? Love the way he hurts you?)
4. You've gotten violent because you don't know where to put these emotions.
Maybe if you look at your marriage you might see that there were things needing fixing and this is the catalyst for getting that done. Seek counseling ASAP. Remember: he did come home to you and seems to want to work it out. But you have to show him that you are at least approachable enough to try to work it out.
PS - Get some professional help in getting that baby to sleep in his/her own bed for the night. That distraction is enough to make any parent get sleep deprived and feel neglected by the other partner.
@Magicmillbrook,
Thanks for response - We are getting counseling, his request, next session tonight and I do want to work at our partnership. I loved him so much and think I still do under all this pain and anguish. He could have 'not' told me, but he said the guilt was too much of a burden and he respects me too much to live a lie.
I just can't believe how intense I am feeling. I just wish he had told me the whole truth in one hit. The drip feeding has prolonged the agony and left me wonder if he is still telling me the whole truth. For example 'she' said he said he was single, he said he told her he had a partner and children. I suppose its a minor detail in the bigger picture but to me it implies intent rather than a drunken mistake. I just want to trust him and feel happy again:(
@Magicmillbrook,
Everything is going to be all right. Pain will be gone and all forgotten.
Hopefully it is going to keep him next to you and out of sin again.
Good luck and sooner recovery.
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