Afraid I will cheat

Hello everybody, i don't know if anybody will read this post or even bother to absorb and meditate on the subject that it deals with, i mean, why should you, i'm just a random desperate man, literally grasping for straws and asking the stars to guide me...but the stars are silent apertures in the dark.
I have a problem, and i'm very scared and filled with strange and conflicting emotions. I just got out of an extremely destructive relationship 5 years ago, i'm still in therapy and still working on the things it did to me, but not only that, i never had a good relationship with any of my parents and i was abused as a child, so yeah, anyway, in all this stupid pain that i was going through there was this friend that i met on the internet almost 10 years ago, and we could sit and chat for hours about litterature and music and films and such things. i never really thought much about it, but i knew that i liked this person and i kind of revered this person. i never thought of her in a sexual way, and i think part of the reason why is because i saw her as so much better then other people, so much more pure, i know it's stupid, but anyway that's how i felt, i thought about her alot and thought it would be nice to meet her sometime just to have some wine and talk all through the night, nothing sexual, for some reason that never crossed my mind, but anyway we never met, but we kept in touch and i didn't think she liked me as much as i liked her. and i went on with my life, got in that terrible relationship wich was also my first, i was 19 years old and i met a woman who was 36 and had a daughter. i don't want to get into details, but i was a virgin when i met her and it was very special to me, but after a while i started to realize how sick she was, i mean i had some mental problems of my own but this woman was full of despair and hatred, she hated everyone and everything, and i lived in that abuse for 3-4 years. i got scared and flinched when she came in the room because i didn't know if she was going to suddenly scream at the top of her lungs and throw things at me, so i became scared and more and more insecure...ok, i became very sick, even more so then i was. i was a patient at this institution, and all kinds of people came there, alcoholics and people with different mental illnesses, poeple who didn't have anywhere else to go, and it was here that i met her, but whe was not a patient, she was one of the people who worked there, and i guess she noticed me and became interested in me romanticaly...phew, anyway, that was very difficult for me, and to finally tell her that i needed to end it and leave her was extremely traumatic for both her and me, but i knew in my heart that it needed to be done, i was fearing for our lives, and i actually thought one of us was going to kill ourselves or eachother. so eventually i got out, i went to therapy and stayed with my grandmother for a year, and also throughout this period i got random messages from this girl, and they we're actually kind of romantic in nature, but subtle enough to keep me ignorant, and i guess that in the back of my mind i was kind of thinking about her a lot, like how she was doing and where she lived and if she had a boyfriend or not, and i admit that i thought about what it would be like to meet her, and what would happen if we actually had some chemistry, but it was always in the back of my mind in some unseen place, and i was never truly aware of those thoughts, very oblivious. but one day, for some reason, i thought of killing myself, wich i have done a lot growing up, but i really wanted to this time...and for some reason i send a message to all the people on my phone, on all of the messages it read " I love you" , that was all...and the first person to reply was her, that girl, she said i love you to, and actually i have loved you for a very long time...this changed something in me, and suddenly i realized that i actually did love her, for real, and that my next logical move in life was not to end it, but to go visit her, and i did, and there we'er explosions. i stayed there with her for 3 months, we had a lot of good sex and drank wine and did all the things i wanted us to do...it was incredible, i loved her so much, and i knew that we we're soulmates. after those 3 months i went home again...but only to pack my things and fly right back to her! so we moved in together, got engaged a year later, and we have spent every day together, we can't be apart. this is the love of my life, i know this...but, here comes the thing that scares me so much...i want to meet other people. i haven't tasted life or sex or being alive like most people have...i know that's not right...and i don't want to...i really really think i will die if i do something, because i don't want to hurt her, i want to just go back to knowing in my soul that she is the one, and i pray to god every day and ask him to please destroy these thoughts i have and fantasies about meeting other people. some days it's better, but i feel so alone...so maby it's not perfect, and maby she can't give me everything that i need, but i still know she is my soulmate and i don't want to leave her ever, i can't even imagine as i write this how in the hell i'm even supposed to leave her for a single day. but...i met this person. and damn it all to hell, i feel this powerfull attraction...something that i have never felt, and i don't feel it with her, not like that, with her i know that i am safe, and she is safe, and we can be together forever and know eachother and basicaly grow old together, i can see that so clearly, but why, oh why do i suddenly have these allencompassing feelings towards some stranger...i tried to ignore it, but eventually we started talking one day, at work, and,,,it's a long story, but i couldn't help myself, i wanted to see if this feeling would persist, and to find out what it was, maby it wasn't love, i don't know, but i think it is...or at least, some kind of otherwordly physical attraction, and this person feels the same way. and i don't know what to do. i feel like i should just kill myself. i know for a fact that i could never leave the woman that i am with now and engaged to...never...but at the same time i feel that i can't let go of this powerfull feeling i have towards this other girl. i don't want to hurt either of them, and i fear that i will hurt on of them no matter what i choose to do with this terrible situation. i have not been with this other woman, not kissed, not anything...just talking about things and flirting a little bit i guess, and i feel like ****! absolute ****, because i just want to forget about her completely and live my life the way i was supposed to, with my soulmate...but i'm thinking, what if this other girl is my soulmate, and what if i don't pursue it? will i end up forsaking meeting someone truly special? will i hurt both of them and leave two wonderfull people hurt and broken?....dear god i don't know what to do, and i can barely type because i'm shaking this is so emotional and strange for me. i never asked for these feelings and i want them to go away, but they hurt so much---they hurt so very much.

please, i don't know who i am asking for help but...somebody talk some sense into me. tell me it's ok to forsake one very wonderfull thing and suppress my feelings...

thank you for listening

Henrik