Help with Guilt

Forums: Relationships, Guilt, Advice, Relationship, Long Distance
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I love my girlfriend more than anything in the world. It's a long distance relationship. It's been about two months since I've seen her, and for some reason I'm having serious problems with guilt now. These thoughts never popped into my head when I was with her, when I was with her I was the happiest I've ever been.

My girlfriend has been trying to quit cigarettes for quite some time, unsuccessfully. I used to smoke weed often (I was often depressed and used it to help), and when we started falling in love, I stopped. I told her I stopped for her and thought that maybe it would help her try to quit cigarettes. From January until June, I never touched it. I refused it from my friends, and I never smoked. Then, I did it once at a party. She found out about it, and I lied and said I didn't. I lied because I was scared to tell her the truth because I felt huge regret. I didn't smoke that much, I didn't get high. She believed me, and that was that.

Between then and now, I've done it a few times. Just a few, but I still feel awful because I know she will be disappointed in me if I tell her, and I never want things to change. I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with her.

The guilt has become so bad, I often spend the nights crying because I feel so bad. The other day, I took a walk in the forest, and took all of my smoking stuff. I put it into a container, and threw it into a lake. I will never, ever smoke again. I thought taking that step would help, it has to an extent.. but not to what I had hoped. I still feel awful because I lied to such an amazing person.

Can somebody help? Or just give any advice?

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"Confess" to your god (as you understand it) and move on.
You will feel much better with a fresh start.

No need to say anything to her. She doesn't need YOUR guilt to be loaded upon her.

(Keep trying to get her to quit smoking. It's SO unhealthy and she can't do that around little kids or when she gets pregnant)

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@qwervbnm,

Tell her the truth.

Set-backs of quitting a habit happen, but you are still doing really well. Look at it from a bigger picture standpoint what you've been able to do. How many years did you smoke before you quit cold turkey?

Anyway. The truth will make your girlfriend feel better about not being able to Quit Cigarettes yet. Your recent struggle, the guilt you felt for feeling like you let her down, and whatever else you talk about could very well be the key she needs to unlock the power to fulfill her desire to stop smoking.

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Quote:

I stopped. I told her I stopped for her

This reminds me of when I was 14, I got religion, I began to feel that it was wrong to masturbate. I decided to stop for Jesus. I managed for 2 weeks, but one night...

Quote:

From January until June, I never touched it.

Amazing!

Quote:

Between then and now, I've done it a few times

Me too.

Quote:

I still feel awful because I know she will be disappointed in me if I tell her, and I never want things to change. I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with her.

If she loves you she will find a way to cope with a little thing like smoking a bit of weed, which is no big deal. A real relationship is one where each partner loves the other as they really are.

You may get some benefit from counselling.

Have you ever met this person?

1 Reply

@victorcarjan,

I'm just so scared to tell her. Things are tough enough as it is, because we were together and I had the most amazing trip of my life; and now, I've had to stay positive after being away for almost two months. I've had to fight past doubts and negative thoughts.. it's been tough. The guilt is just making it worse. I'm trying to move on from it like the first guy said, but I just can't.

We have skype calls everyday and it's always so happy and it makes me feel at peace inside, but lately the thoughts of guilt always just creep into my head. I'm so scared that telling her will ruin everything we've worked so hard for. She already has her plane tickets booked to come see me for Christmas, and I'm planning on going in February to see her, and spending the entire summer with her working. I just don't want anything to change.

I smoked for a couple years before I met her, and the year I met her I had really started to smoke excessively and it was awful.. I'm ashamed of it. I was always so proud whenever I refused it from my friends. But it's all ruined. I know I'll never do it again, but I still feel awful.

The worst part is that I promised that I didn't do it that one night, and I said I wouldn't smoke again. I broke that promise.

You still think telling her is the best option?

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@contrex,

Yes, we've met. We met, spent almost a year apart and getting closer any way we could, and then I took the next step and booked plane tickets. We had an amazing trip together.

The thing is that it is a big deal for her. She told me she would be really disappointed in me if I ever did it again.. the same night that I promised I didn't smoke that night. I'm so scared of what will happen.

And yes, I've seriously debated psychotherapy/counselling.

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@qwervbnm,

"You still think telling her is the best option?"

Yes.

2 Replies

@victorcarjan,

Should I say it over Skype, or wait until Christmas when she flies here to tell her in person?

1 Reply

@qwervbnm,

So you "relapsed" - that was going to be a "given" since you denied counseling and support groups that can help people like you stay straight.

Get some help ASAP- support groups or professional counseling. That will show your girlfriend you are SERIOUS about quitting this habit.

Then, if you DO tell her, you will also be able to tell her that you realized your addiction was bigger than you could handle, and you got some help for it.

In the meantime, don't let her be in the "critical mother" role with you. Your recovery is YOURS and she didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. She has told you how she feels about guys who use. So - you know where she stands.

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@victorcarjan,

Just an update that I told her like you said.

She was disappointed, but I definitely did the right thing. I feel so much better now that there's no secrets being hidden from her. She forgave me, it'll take me a while to get her trust back I think, but she said she loves me and she forgives me.

Thanks to everybody who tried to help, it was definitely the right choice, and I'd recommend to anybody that reads this to do the same. If she loves you and you love her, you can get through things and get over mistakes like this.

Thanks again.

2 Replies

@qwervbnm,

qwervbnm wrote:

Just an update that I told her like you said.

She was disappointed, but I definitely did the right thing. I feel so much better now that there's no secrets being hidden from her. She forgave me, it'll take me a while to get her trust back I think, but she said she loves me and she forgives me.

Thanks to everybody who tried to help, it was definitely the right choice, and I'd recommend to anybody that reads this to do the same. If she loves you and you love her, you can get through things and get over mistakes like this.

Thanks again.
[/quote
Good for you...

0 Replies

@qwervbnm,

Yeah, good to hear.

I missed that last post, but I would have said not to wait because you're going to have to carry that burden with you.

Thanks for updating too.

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Help with Guilt

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