Divorce Survival

Wildflower, I've sent you a PM with an online support group link.

Good luck!

W-f: it has been 9 months since I was unceremoniously dumped from my role as husband and father, and it is only now that I have really started to think/imagine about a future for myself.

Try not to let anger influence your decisions too much. Try as best as you can to meet your financial obligations. Get plenty of sleep.

...& count to 10 before you act! (Regarding the ex.)

Mr Stillwater

I love those lines from the Paul Simon song. I know what he means.
And hey, how's it going for you these days? Sounds like you're getting somewhere!

I got support by my family, parents, two sisters, you need someone to talk. It is so important to have someone who you confide in.

I wish you strength upcoming time.

Thanks Msolga for your referral to a site for support! Greatly appreciated. I am waiting on a reply from that site, as a contributing member.

Anger, I read that word several times. Yeah, I am consumed with it. It is far from a primary emotion, but secondary to quite a few screw overs. I would say the primary emotions are pain and feelings of betrayal of trust. We always express this in anger form.

How did you guys know that I am angry? How did you guys know that I should be counting to ten, before reacting? Would someone please tell me what I am in for after I am done with this anger phase or does it never stop? I never have had the disposition to hold anger for prolonged periods of time. I already know this isn't easy, but I don't know what to expect. Please tell me! If you guys knew that I felt intense anger, then you also know how to deal with it, right?

Who had the crystal ball telling me to count to ten before reacting? I need to work on that one. It is far from easy. It is like you are wearing every emotion that is right on the edge of explosion, any second.

I have been hard on my mother in-law. He moved in with her an she is his new keeper. I know her well enough to say this is something she does not want. What mother of a 42 year old son does? My husband is an addict. She doesn't like this idea any more than I do, but had the ability to ignore this fact. She can't now, since he is her problem child today, not mine. My problem is how to pay the bills, which I had parental help with and a full time, new job to cover this house, kids, and health care.

She keeps making excuses for him. I am outraged by this. She feels a 42 year old man's behavior reflects on her parenting. I'm sick of their false pride. I'm sick of their excuses and denial of reality. I'm sick of the fact that she thinks she can run all over me, in his behalf, since I am stupid and she is MENSA.

I have no idea whether or not I owe her an apology at all. I said exactly what I have thought for years, with courage in liquor form. I have read it over and over and even sent it to others asking if I went too far with her. The answer I got was no, I didn't. I don't know if they are just being supportive of me or not. I don't know fact from fiction anymore.

I told her to drop her guilt. I told her to stop enabling her son to be a criminal or she and his children would visit him in the state pen, where he is headed. I wont allow my children to visit him. He wont help us out financially, given my multiple financial bail outs. He doesn't deserve any rights, until he earns them. I wish my son wasn't so stupid about this and open to being hurt, as I was. I don't know how to deal with him. He is 17 years old. I know his father. He says all the right words and does all the wrong things. My son will be hurt, until his father decides to choose not to be an addict. Should I leave this alone? I don't feel much choice, given his age. He wants his father desperately, but will never get anything beyond pretty words and disappointment. I don't want my son to be hurt, like I was and am.

Can I realistically stop this? I don't think I can do much. He gets upset with remarks of criticism, of his father saying he doesn't want to be in the middle. I never asked him to be. I ask him if he ever had a father and if he really deserves such respect or recognition. He doesn't and I know it, but my son doesn't, yet. His father will hurt him too and I'm trying to prevent it, but he wont listen and I can't tell him, just let him do as he wishes.

Back to my mother in-law, my husbands new keeper, I told her to stop saving face and deal with reality. This one cost him a 20+ year job, while in jail. She called his employer and lied. You can't take a sudden vacation without being fired with Mommy calling for you, which was the story.

I said a lot of things to her, including the fact that I do not want her on my property, which she sold to us at fair market value. She didn't think we were smart enough to know this.

She has a high enough IQ score to get into MENSA and thinks it is a compliment saying I have such good common sense. I used to laugh at this. I used to put up with the fact that she made a quick knock on the door before opening it and waltzing on in.

She did this for the last time to me. I was beaten up pretty good. I felt like a freight train ran over me. Thankfully, my grandma has good pain killers, which I needed. I thought my head was going to explode with pain. I am stress migraine prone as well as multiple blows to the head, face, and upper rib cage.

By this time, my husband and I slept in separate bedrooms. I had no idea what disaster of clothing he created. I suggested that if he needed anything, go shopping for it, because I was taking a narcotic pain killer and glued to the couch, in great pain. She chewed out my daughter, who is a smart mouth, for not helping her. She has no more idea or even less than I do. I sent her to his bedroom and told her to look around. Because my husband lives like some barnyard animal, she chewed my daughter for not helping her, which was intended for me. Again, go shopping. He should have thought about his clothing needs before beating me and being removed from this house. I don't feel that I owe him anything.

After seeing my condition, believed her son's story that I drunkenly attacked him by grabbing his balls during an argument I started. Her son and my husband is a 6'3" 200lb. man in good physical condition at 42. I am 40. We have kids also, a son and daughter. I never defend my son's ill behavior or make excuses for him. I blow a lid, when he acts horrible or does something completely irresponsible.

I don't coddle my own son and fail to understand how she can look at my condition and come into my home being demanding. That is when I told her she was completely unwelcome, via e-mail, without permission to enter my home. I am paying the bills now, not her or her son. I felt that I had to reject her out of my life or be taken advantage of by manipulation.

I shot her a few e-mails, which I didn't bother to count to 10. I completely lost any ounce of patience with her. I am sick of being assumed stupid. She sold us this house at fair market value, but thinks we are stupid enough not to check property value first. I worked on this disaster of a house room by room, before my husband and I separated.

I come back to see my work destroyed by neglect. The house condition is enough to piss anyone off. You didn't check our dying Lab, which my husband refused to let me have. I slaved over that dog, with guilt, in her last days hating myself for leaving her.

I asked for a restraining order for two weeks. I was pissed when I found out a judge gave this an ok, with a man in jail for 20 days. I was afraid he would come back and make me pay. You show up in court, after making a request like this or go to jail. My face was not quite healed yet. I didn't bring a police report. My husband is in the jail orange jumpsuit completely shackled, hands and legs. He looked at me like he wished I was dead. This was awful for me.

These judges hear enough feuds over a stupid phone call from people. I learned this by sitting in the courtroom, waiting my turn over my requested restraining order having no thought my husband would go to jail. He has skated for years with legal problems, being a drunk. I was asked why I wanted a restraining order. I said, with my written complaint, my husband beat me with his fists causing physical injury. He asked or a police report, which I didn't even know I needed. I stated busing and a unhealed cut to the bone where I had been hit as evidence. Like you couldn't see this disaster of a purple eye, like an over ripe grape, ready to pop at any second, from clear across a room.

I didn't want, but got an order for removal from our home, my husband cannot enter this house at all, he cannot be within 500ft., and no contact. My husband freely admitted that he did hit me with his fist and did not deny my accusation at all. He was already sitting in a jail cell because of conviction of assault. I objected to the no contact part. So did my husband. Not our choice. A judge will force people, like us, apart. This order last until the year 2007, if you can believe that. They force you to divorce, want it or not.

I am pissed off at the world. I know that talking to my husband, after serious thought, does nothing productive. I don't like this because of joint assets and children. I'm not exactly afraid of him over the phone, but you should have seen every hillbilly in front of my case, with some stupid feud over telephone conversations. I know how to hang up a phone!

If I call my husband, I go to jail! I don't want my kids in the middle of our problems, but have to utilize them at times, which is wrong. I don't feel like paying some sleaze attorney, that I hired because he goes right for the throat, for simple communication that I can do myself. How much and how long do I have to pay for what my husband did to us? He left with several disconnection utility notices and over a month of lapse in car insurance, while he assured me all bills were paid. Of course I am angry!

I tend to take this out on my mother in-law, his new keeper. I don't call her. I have shipped her a few e-mails about enablement. I told her that I cannot accept her in my home or phone calls from her because she is another enabler that will not help my husband face up to his own problems, just blame others, as all addicts do. She feels guilt. She didn't do the perfect mom job, by either or her children. She was a single parent, left about in my position, minus being beaten and having no job. She didn't have it easy and did screw up.

These are just a few things I am angry about. How do I deal with this emotion and build a life for myself?

Wildflower

Yes, things sound terrible. I hope you have found enough time & space for a little peace today. And I sincerely hope you have at least one good friend that can listen, advise & comfort. Are you seeing a counsellor? If not, ask around & find a good one. It helped me a great deal when the going was really confusing & tough. It takes time, but it does help. You have way too much to deal with on your own. Tread carefully & look after yourself. You are going to need to be strong to get through this.

Wildflower, this is really a sad story. I had no clue. Not only is your husband an addict and a toxic person, it sounds like his mother is as well. All I can say is avoid, avoid, avoid. Work through the legal system, and turn your anger inward, then express it as practicality. Look into your legal options. Get a good lawyer. Kick his ass in court. Try to breathe, and not let your anger get the better of you. I wish you the best of luck, you deserve it.

Wildflower--

Your husband and his enabling mother are part of your past. You have enough to deal with in the present: two wounded kids, a new job, a neglected house. Expressing anger--even justified anger--takes energy and time that you don't have right now.

Furthermore, every angry e mail that you send off can be used against you in court. Do you want your abusive husband to get custody of the kids? Don't give him any ammunition.

You are a strong and independent woman without money. All the same, you need to hire two good professionals: a counselor of some kind and a good lawyer. The chances are that down the road your husband will have to pay for them, but even if the hire money comes out of your pocket you are investing in peace of mind.

You need objective help to get your life together--and your kids' lives together.

Your son does not want to take sides. He's nearly of legal age and this is his choice. Sooner or later his father is going to tell him, "my way or the highway"--do you want to convey the same message and turn a kid with two parents into an emotional orphan? He didn't pick his father--you did.

You don't say much about your daughter. Probably, being a second child, she has more people smarts than her brother and avoids putting herself anywhere near the conflict. All the same, she still needs your attention and love.

Who is going to give you attention and love? Your family is supportive with more than money. You are going to hire two useful professionals who will give you clout and backbone. You are going to learn to escape from your personal life into a new and challenging job--and they wouldn't have hired you had they not felt that you could handle a new and challenging job.

Let the past bury the past. You're a woman with a future.

Wildflower, we're more alike than you know. Are you familiar with Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief? We go through them with every loss. (Not necessarily in this order...) Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance.

Anger is my favorite stage of grief. I tend to skip right over denial and bargaining and dwell on anger for a good, long time. That can be hurtful to oneself, but it has its good points.

Anger gives you energy. Lots of energy!!! Don't waste that energy on self-defeating things like angry e-mails and arguing with your kids. Pour all that energy into your new job, renovating the house, becoming closer to your kids, and going after the s.o.b. in a court of law. Use your anger to get yourself into a better position.

How? Here's one example. Need to paint a wall? Draw his name on it in huge letters, then vent your anger by painting over it until you have completely erased him. Want another? Need to install new carpeting? Pretend the old carpeting is his hair and you'll enjoy ripping it out. Have fun with it, and you'll get something accomplished at the same time!

The only person you can change is you. Acceptance of this will put a different perspective on things.

Good luck.