In love with a man who's in love with a woman?

Reply Sun 5 Oct, 2014 01:11 am
So I'm extremely conflicted in what to do about my current situation. I'm a man in my mid twenties, who like a lot of homosexual men are in the closet (at least in some point in their life, I've come to accept that many homosexuals don't come out of the closet ever) and have a certain love interest that makes my head spin. I met him maybe 5 years ago at a party. He was currently with his girlfriend, whom he is still with, for 7 years now. So before you go calling me a home wrecker or thinking that, I'm going to iron over some details. (We never had sexual encounters to make it clear)
1. When I met him we instantly clicked. Like in a way it wouldn't make sense for a straight man to be friends with another "straight" man.
2. We've kissed plenty of times and we say I love you to each other (-_-)
3. The truth really only spills out when we're drunk. Like we'll actually openly say I love you and kiss and explain how we feel for each other, but when we're sober we still are affectionate the words just aren't there.

So with all that aside I don't know what to do. I have legitimate feelings for him and I'm planning to come out to my family soon, but what in the hell would that do to our little relationship. It seems like he's not even into his girlfriend of so many years, they constantly fight (one sided, she treats him like he's a 12 year old), and he always seems depressed but he lights up when we're together.

I can't explain the feeling. I've been together with a couple closeted men but they were usually just sexual not romantic. I feel like he really loves me and I love him too. I just don't think that he'll ever come out or want to be with me openly because of the burden of being an openly homosexual man.

Any advice on what to do or what to say to him, because it's driving me insane and I have nobody to turn to.
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Reply Sun 5 Oct, 2014 06:32 am
I'm sorry things are so complicated.

Have you talked to him about your intention to come out to your family soon? Not in the sense of "all the cool kids are doin' it, so why don't you come out, too?" but rather in the sense of "this is a big step for me and I just wanted to let you know." And see what happens.

Understand that this might terrify him, BTW, because you coming out might make him feel that he should confront his own feelings in the matter, about his girlfriend, about you, and about his denial about his own sexuality.

Or it might make things better. He might be able to see that it's a good idea to come out and be done with the secrecy. He might even learn that his girlfriend has suspected this all along, I might add.

I hope things work out for you. But in the meantime, good on ya for having the courage to come out. Smile
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Reply Sun 5 Oct, 2014 07:37 am
You need to be your own person. What he does is up to him.

He obviously is conflicted and does not have the courage to be what he is (but I'm not sure what that is, since he seems to go both ways)

Do what you have to do then see what happens with him.

Good luck.
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Reply Sun 5 Oct, 2014 10:52 am
Don't be home wrecker, but it your right to bond together and love. Maybe she's into it. If she really loves him, and he loves you, then you should try loving her. The circle of life.
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Reply Wed 5 Aug, 2015 09:47 am
Often times we find ourselves attracted most to those we know we can't have. Like people into marrieds, celibate clergy, those too far away to ever be with, etc.

In this case the guy's taken. However miserable he may be, it's still against most people's sense of decency to become the 'homewrecker' as you put it. So he's 'safe' for you to lavish your adorations upon because you know you're not going to cross the line and do something objectively inappropriate.

Lose the labels. Instead of fixating on gay and straight, focus on how people feel and make you feel. Gay and straight were terms coined in 1882 by a homophobic German convinced his version of sexuality was the only acceptable way (hetereosexual for procreation only) and everyone else's was pathological.

Love and pleasure have no sex or orientation. Sexual orientation is at best a harmful figure of speech. Love and pleasure is exaclty the same in our brains regardless of the biological sex of the person we experience with. Labels are for other people's benefit, not the one wearing the label.
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