Infertile women and their relationships

An infertile woman is weak? What a peculiar idea.

Yeah....weak? Where'd you get that idea?

Fertility problems are very common...among both men and women. And becoming more common all the time as couples wait longer and longer to start families. Infertility doesn't end relationships unless a potential child is more important to someone than their partner.

I guess it depends on how important it is for the male to have a son & heir? I've known relationships to crack under the strain .... but then, often the bloke was not Mr Wonderful!

Within populations who can manage to get medical care for this matter, the difficulty with conception of a child is analyzed with great care, and the infertility, if it finally can be delineated, is certainly not always due to a problem the woman has. The sperm counts of men are often heavily depleted. Blame is not really a useful viewpoint; it is constructed of a lot of deep emotion misapplied, from my point of view.

Also, there are countless children without love. This is much more worthy of attention - again, my point of view.

For weak, I mean women who were not able to manage the rollercoaster caused by infertility, especially if it is proven that infertility depends on women. It is clear that this can cause low selfesteem and other psycholocical problems , hence problems in relationships if not solved properly. Or maybe this problem like other problems can only be the trigger for divorce. I think only women who have experienced infertility can say something because they have tried "on their skin" this situation, but maybe it is too painfull for them to speak frankly.

Anything is possible when dealing with human emotions zirk. But really, is it likely for a women to lose all sense of self solely because something she can't control has happened to her body? Thusly, is it likely to unlove a woman solely because she has a problem with her body that she can't control. It's just to superficial an argument. There are too many other factors to consider here. Infertility, while in some cases could cause detrimental blows to ones self-esteem and identity is not the end of the world. There are just too many examples of adoptive parents who love their children very deeply, have good marriages and a full family life.

This is of course assuming, your not part of a royal family or any family which a blood heir is expected and required.

Marriage is a partnership.

Baby-making is one of those Takes Two To Tango situations and infertility is as likely to be the "fault" of the man as the woman.

Yes, both women and men who desire children can be stressed and strained by fertility problems no matter who is the partner "at fault".

In the Western World fertility counseling is readily available for the first time in reproductive history. Historically, in a barren union, the woman has been assumed to be at fault and has been put aside.

Henry VIII of England with his syphilis is an excellent example.

I have known otherwise sensible men who have discovered that they have low sperm counts and these otherwise sensible men have gone into incredible tailspins.

Not only did they suffer from "low self esteem" they made damn sure that if they were miserable, everyone around them--starting with their wives--would be miserable too.

Irrational reactions to infertility are not sex-linked or sex-determined.

fascinating thread....

I have experienced infertility, and I stand by what I said above.

Yes, infertility can be very stressful for couples. The processes involved...hormonal drugs, injections (for some), timed sex, repeated testing, miscarriages, etc....are stressful for both partners, regardless of whether the woman or the man is being treated. There are psychological pressures for both partners as well. It's a difficult thing to go through, and like ALL difficult situations, it can put pressure on relationships.

Labeling one "weak" is uncalled-for. And makes me VERY angry.

Eva, then how do you call a woman (infertile) who dumped her husband after beeing "declared" infertile?

zirknitz--

Perhaps she felt if she couldn't have children, there was no point in putting up with a man 24/7.

Perhaps he was super-nasty to her about being barren.

Perhaps we don't have enough information.

Yes, Noddy. Or perhaps this is a personal problem that exists between two people who are not a good representative of all infertile couples.

zirknitz, if this was your wife and you labeled her "weak," I call her "justified." I hope you will be kinder in the future.

Eva, if you look back at zirknitz' original post - toward the end, was

It doesn't seem, to me, that zirknitz feels this is a one-way street.

I agree with Noddy, that . Some people clearly have better coping mechanisms than others. Some people can accept support from others, there are others who cannot.

If I translate what zirknitz said into my mother tongue, the tone of it is different and I'd agree - in that I think that people who can accept help from others are stronger than people who can't.

It's a toughie. Fertility and parenting are just two things that can be the match that lights the dynamite that's been waiting to blow up a relationship.

I would like to hear more from zirknitz, who has been, by the way, quite delineating on who should be able to answer his or her question (only an infertile woman?)

We are not very obedient on a2k, zirknitz, though we are happy to discuss matters and each of us has separate views. Sometimes those views coalesce, sometimes they don't.

Please tell us more about yourself.

Eva, she was not my wife but a friend of mine.
I think ehBeth has understood well the problem.
Firstly I think it is not a one way-one street, secondly I agree with:

[QUOTEFertility and parenting are just two things that can be the match that lights the dynamite that's been waiting to blow up a relationship.]

If the relationship is unstable. When I say "weak" I mean people who are not able to cope with difficulties and act not in a rational way. They need support, they need time to cope with.


I have another example of another woman I know who was "declared" infertile. Well she began drinking, gambling and jumping from a relationship to another untill she "solved her problem".
But this effort took years.


Really for these two women it was better to adopt a child but the human beeing is so complex that there is no an easy answear for everybody.

I am just trying to understand

Re: Infertile women and their relationships


Women, who can't have babies, can always adopt children. This can be done by married, single, and lesbian women. Relative to relationships, the fertility or infertility of any woman shouldn't have any significant effect on a relationship with another human being.

Why would a woman divorce her husband, because of her "presumptive" inability to have children?

I'm glad to hear the woman you spoke of isn't your wife, zirknitz. Sorry for jumping to conclusions. Please be careful using words like "weak," okay? They're loaded. We really don't know the dynamics of the relationships involved, so it's possible that many factors combined to end the marriage(s). Perhaps infertility was just the catalyst.

That is certainly possible. I've known couples who split up after the husband lost his job, after one of the partners was diagnosed with a serious illness, after one of the partners found someone new, after the birth of a child, after the death of a child, after the last child left the nest, after the husband retired, and many who seemingly had no catalytic situation at all. But in each of these cases, the relationship had been in trouble for quite awhile before those events occurred.

Infertility can cause relationship problems, or it can bring a couple closer together. It all depends on how they handle it, and how much outside support they are given. It strikes me as highly ironic that I could say the same thing about couples who DO have children. That brings its own set of stresses, you know.

I have been in both situations, and I am fortunate to have a husband who is thoughtful and kind. He handled the infertility very well when we went through that, and he has been an exemplary father to our son.