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Dating a Widower....

 
 
mcollar
 
Reply Fri 19 Sep, 2014 08:47 pm
I have been dating this man for 2 (1/2) years. His wife passed 6 years ago. I have known him since grade school and we've always been friends. I knew his wife and knew their marriage wasn't the greatest. In the beginning I always listened to all his stories of their life together. He still brings her up often. He will even say about how she cheated on him numerous times. But she is still put high on a pedi-stool. He says he will always love his wife and her death devastated him. I understand that he will always love her, but I feel like I'll always live in her shadow and he'll never truly love me that way. He treats me very well and tells me that he loves me we've even talked about marriage. I'm starting to resent hearing anything about her. It just drives me crazy some days. It's hard when your having a good time, then she's brought up and it puts a damper in my mood. I feel like he's thinking of her instead of our good time at the time. He is still very close to her family and she is brought up often and sometimes it just makes me feel very uncomfortable. I get along well with her family they are very nice people. They have welcomed me with open arms. I just feel like sometimes I never get away from her and that no matter how much time goes by, I'll be haunted by her memories for ever. He still has a few pictures of her around his house. At first I just ignored it, cause I felt it wasn't my place to say anything, but he has asked me to move in with him and I don't want to look at his "past" everyday. The house isn't the same house they lived in so there are no memories there, just the pictures. He asked me if I thought I could make his place my home. I think I could, but not with that picture staring at me everyday. Am I wrong for feeling that way? I feel that if he truly loved me the picture would come down since he asked me to move in without me having to bring the subject up... . I don't even know how to approach the subject, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing or really hurting his feelings. I just want to continue a future with him without a constant reminder everyday of his past. Do I have a right to say anything? And how do I bring the subject up?
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,406 • Replies: 4
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shaken
 
  1  
Reply Sun 26 Oct, 2014 08:59 pm
@mcollar,
I am in a similar situation, my boyfriends wife passed away suddenly 4 years ago and left him with 2 young kids under 3. I don't know much about their relationship other than how they meet and how long they were together for, as he doesn't really talk about it or want to, I went though a stage where I asked his family what she was like and tired to get a understanding and idea of what she was like but I think that just made me feel more insecure. He also had picture all around his house of her which initially I could accept but as time went by (we have been together for 6 months) I asked him about maybe taking down a few such as his wedding photo's I explained that I understood his children need to be reminded of there mother, but felt that when we have dinner parties at his place and my friends come that it looked that like he has not moved on (a discussion we had several time when we first got together). In addition to that he would also bring up her name in conversations and at times called me my her name I took this as meaning he had not moved on. We had more discussions and I explained how I felt and turned things around and said how he would feel if I had pictures of my ex all around or mentioned them, and left it at that. He thought about it for a while and then one day he said to me that he had taken down there photo's . From then on he never called me by her name and her name is not longer brought up in conversations unless it was to do with the kids. I understand she will always be a part of our lives and I make sure the kids have pictures of there mum around and spend time with her family.
It is going to be, a on going thing for me to deal with as you come across things out of the blue that you have to think about, such as the other day there was a red purse on the table we had not seen each other for a about a week and I was unsure if I should ask who owned the purse or not. I think how you are feeling, is how I feel and it is difficult to address things that are important to you without offending his wife memory.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 26 Oct, 2014 10:02 pm
@shaken,
There are three of you in this relationship and you have to decide how much you want this woman to occupy your time and take away your power.

Just because he talks about her it does not mean he thinks less of you.

What have you done to create new memories of your own with him?
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Fri 31 Oct, 2014 09:29 pm
@mcollar,
You cannot have a future together if your boyfriend is hanging onto his past.
That's exactly how you should word it to him too!
Perhaps he feels so comfortable with you that he thinks he can talk about his wife anytime he wishes, not realizing that he hurts your feelings along the way. Men are sometimes oblivious to these things and unless you point it out, nothing is going to change.
However, should he continue living in his past, despite you telling him, then you either accept it or move on.
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shaken
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Feb, 2015 03:08 am
@PUNKEY,
I agree just because he talks about her doesn't mean that he think less of me, and that there is a risk of there being three in the relationship, however I have found that over time he has changed and she is no longer as part of the relationship as she was, despite her parents having a large involvement in the children's life and the anniversary of her death being an important part of our lives. Time will tell especially if we decide to live together as this will involve sorting through, her personal affects and deciding what he needs to keep for his children.
As for creating new memories , I don't know much about their lives prior to her death, I can only therefore go about doing things as I do and hope that the things we do together will build new memories.
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