wife, honeymoon, sex, where to go from here

This is a serious problem. It seems as though she needs to either try harder with the therapy, get antidepressants, or try a trial separation. I don't think you should have to bulk up, that's rediculous.

Sex is a big part of marriage, and so is friendship. It looks like you don't have either of those.

In my opinion, you may want to suggest a trial separation, because if she doesn't want to work things out, then they aren't going to get better.

I am from the background of once married stay married. she is against putting foreign objects in her body.

She has gone to a counselor and I am not sure of what the counselor said since my wife won't really tell me that.

I have gone to a counselor, but my counselor doesn't know what to tell me. Either work out and pray that God enables my skinny body to get bigger, get a divorce, or don't want sex. There are no other options since it is up to her. I wanted to know if somebody else experienced this and how they dealt with it.

So this is her fault, not mine?

Your husband/wife is suppose to be the most attractive person int he world to you. maybe not physically, but all of it together, right? sure, sometimes peopel are completely attracted physically, but rarely, cause there is always a model or actor or something that is more, but all together I should be the most attractive person to her and she to me.

Have you tried attending counseling together? If she "fights back and tells you you are the problem", it seems that it might be productive if the two of you discuss this in the presence of someone qualified to moderate and advise you both. Coming from a Christian perspective, I would suggest marital counseling with a local pastor. Also, you indicated that you pray together--have you tried praying together concerning this issue?

We pray together, but she doesn't pray outloud with me. She is too private which is another issue in and of itself. I believe in total transparency, she wants a little privacy.

We have gone to counseling together, but she is pretty hard headed. She really doesn't like to follow someone else's advice.

I'm not sure about your spouse being the most attractive person to you is necessarily correct. I see others that consider more attractive to my husband, but yet I have no interest in having sex with them. I also see women and can consider a woman attractive, but not want to sleep with one. It is just appreciating beauty. For me it sexual desire for another person is beyond attractiveness - it is how you feel about the other person, more than how they look physically. I think her reason for not wanting sex is because she does not find you attractive and you need to bulk up is just an excuse -whether she realizes it or not.

I understand you may feel that marriage is forever and I feel the same way. However, I agree with LRRHodd, you may want to suggest a trial separation. Perhaps that will give her the push she needs to really work with a counselor. I see that you went to see a counselor yourself, but it doesn't seem that counselor helped you out much. I suggest seeing a different counselor for you and if your wife's counselor does not seem to connect with your wife, maybe a change in counselors would be helpful for you too. Quite honestly it seems that your wife is a bit unstable and really needs help. I commend you for sticking by her, but there is only so much you can do - she really needs to sort these things out herself ideally with a counselor or your marriage (no matter how you feel about marriage) will end. Just because you did not get a formal divorce does not mean that you are divorced from each other in heart and soul. In my opinion assigning fault will only exasperate the problem. The best solution is to try to resolve the problem rather than assess fault.

I do wish you both the best and hope you can work this out. And yes, I will pray for you both.

Linkat's right on target here. If counseling with one doesn't work, try another counselor. They are as different as people can be - so you'll get different results with different counselors, and presumably your wife will, too.

But counseling, even bad counseling, is a good step. After all, it means you both recognize there is a problem. Clearly, your wife is depressed (she admits this) and most likely continues to have issues with the rape. Medication may or may not be a solution, but if she will not take it, naturally some other solution must be explored. Again, this is where a counselor comes into play. And, it's possible that your wife's current counselor is helping her, and you don't see it because you aren't at the sessions and your wife isn't giving you the details.

Finally, don't force your wife to have sex. There is such a thing as marital rape in this country and, even if it never came to court, any sort of forcing will very likely just lead to more trauma.

Right linkat, suggesting a trial separation will most likely push her to want to fix the problem.

I'm wondering why she was so flirtatious towards you before you were married. Are you the one working and supporting her? I mean, is there a possibility that she had alterior motives for getting married?

It would make sense to me that she was willing to flirt when she knew nothing would come of it. Then she could exercise power without having to deal with the result (which she evidently finds unpleasant.)

How old are both of you, reallystruggling?

One "alterior motive" could be that she wanted to have a husband - even if she didn't want to have sex. Because of the history perhaps.

Does she consider it a problem that you don't have sex or that she doesn't want to have sex with you - or does she think the only problem is that you have a problem with it?

she says she could go the rest of her life without sex. she said she never wanted to get married until she met me. Power is a concern now that you say it. She says women like sexual power and that is what she has right now and it isn't right.

i don't think a trial seperation would work. i think she would say, oh take the easy way out. and make me feel guilty

I hate to say this, but you may want to consider an anullment.

I know that marriage is a big deal, and it is a good thing to try and make it work, but this is looking like emotional abuse. Don't let your religious beliefs ruin the rest of your life, God will forgive you.

Have you talked with your minister or priest? Perhaps they could help you with your moral dilemma. I do not usually recommend divorce or annulments, but there are always rare situations where there really is no other choice. If you truly have tried to reconcile your differences and unable to be resolve them, you have either never been married in the true sense or became emotionally and spiritually divorced.

Now, I don't know the situation with your wife's therapist, and you don't either as she won't talk about it, but there are cases when therapists are not helpful to their patients, but rather feed and encourage the negative behaviour, for whatever reason. Maybe they think they can help themselves vicariously through their patients. It's just one more thing to consider.

Re: wife, honeymoon, sex, where to go from here

Women who were raped, do not "get over it". They survive it. That's why they are called "rape survivors". Rape isn't about sex. It's about control. If you love this woman, you may need to do a little research here, on your own, instead of "taking her word for it" that "it has no effect on her at all." As a result of her traumatic experience, she may not want to give you "control" over her body. A healthy psyche can view sex as a part of a loving relationship, but it seems she has "disconnected" the "sex" from the "love".
I would not recommend a trial separation as others have. I would continue therapy with a more specialized field in sexual (disorders) for lack of a better word, define the "symptoms" in your relationship that exposes a pattern of behavior that inevitably leads to the problem of sexual abstinence. You need to face some very real and deep questions. The answers are out there, they are sometimes very hard and painful to hear. But that is how all healing begins. My favorite line of scripture, "And you shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall make you free." John 8:32
Best of Luck.

Well said jacquie.

I agree with what jacquie said. I am a rape survivor myself. (There are lots of us out there.) Your wife definitely still has issues that stem from the rape. She may have passed the trauma & depression stages, but she is not "over it." It has deeply affected her ability to have a normal marital relationship. She needs to talk to a rape counselor about this...not just a pastor/counselor. Someone who deals with the long-term repercussions. You would probably find talking to such a counselor helpful yourself, but I think she needs to talk to someone alone. There are issues at stake that your presence will make it much harder to face.

Please encourage her to talk to someone about this. If she doesn't, I see little hope for your marriage.

In her mind, is the penis a foreign object?

Okay, Now i am going to give a point of view that many of you might not agree with.

I have been raped.

And let me tell you it is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with.

It was quite a few years ago, and i have been with my current partner for quite a while now, and I still freak out about the whole sex thing.

I dont think your wife is trying to control you or change you or manipulate the marriage. I dont think it has anything to do with how she feels sexually attracted to you.

My Partner gets upset with me because sometimes i feel like i cant have sex with him. I am scared of men and their motives and their interests in relationships.

I am remember once I left him. we were and still living together, but i moved out for about a month. eventually i moved back in and we didnt have sex for over six months. I think it was really hard for him...

But all i wanted was a friend. My partner is my best friend. And at the time i just wanted a friendship, someone that would be there unconditionally for me without pressuring me to have sex, someone that would hold me, and talk to me, and be on my side forever, to have someone love me and be my best friend than to have anything to do with sex.

I have been sexually hurt not just by the rape. I went out with a guy for a long time a few years and when he dumped me i was still in love with him but all he wanted was sex, and he we kept having sex for a long time after we broke up. I am not blaming him entirely but i was very unstable at the time, and he wanted was to have the sex but not the relationship or commitment or anything deeper... then there was the rape and other men that hurt me too.

I think all i wanted was to be with someone that wanted more from me than just sex.

Sex is still really hard for me and i normally cry or freak out in the middle of it and want to stop.

My boyfriend always does and never pressures me to do anything i don't want, and for the fact that he was there for me and sleeping next to me in the same bed for all those months, proved to me that this man loves me beyond any physical attraction, that he would never hurt or put me in a situation where i never felt safe.

Now, i know that i am safe with him, we have been together for years now and i am trust him so completely.

With your wife, i think she was just saying that about the muscles because she feels pressured into having to give you a reason or tell you specifically what is wrong. I dont think she knows what is wrong apart from her fear, and i dont think she wants to admit to you that she is scared of you or for some reason doesnt trust you or feel safe with you.

If i were you, i would back off entirely. DO NOT SEPERATE OR SUGGEST DIVORCE. Because that only reiterates that maybe you did only get married for sex and maybe that is all you really did want from her.

You need to spend a whole lot of time with your wife. In no circumstance pressure her or urge her into having sex. She needs a friend and a long time to build the trust in you to feel comfortable enough to have sex.

It's not that she doesnt trust you as a person, but because you are a man. And men are driven often by their hormones and sexual urges... and she needs a friend. She needs to be able to hold you at night wihtout in any way feeling pressured into having sex, because the moment you do, you will put her straight back in time to the rape. And any progression that you may make in your relationship will be taken straight back in the swiftest of moments

I am sorry this is so long, and i dont mean to get on my soap box, but you MUSTN't IN ANY WAY make her feel like there is something wrong with her because she doesnt want sex.

I hope you both work through this, and that you dont throw away your marriage over this issue.

My partner says he would stay with me forever if we never had sex again, and i know he means it, and that means so much to me.