How to find the courage within to break up with some one?

Reply Thu 31 Jul, 2014 08:54 pm
Dear Readers,
I'm dating my ex again. This time though it doesn't feel right. To be honest it never really did. I blindly started dating him when we first met. Despite my gut instincts about him. When I first him I felt he was emotionally cut off and an asshole. Surely, as months went by these things quickly revealed themselves. I still ignored the obvious and grew to care about him over the course of five months. I loved his family. The morals and values he was brought up with. However deep down inside I had this inner knowing that he is not for me. We are not for each other. And so, one day, he broke it off with me. I cried for a few days. Than decided to move one. I began to go out, get dressed beautiful, spend time with friends and family and simply have a good time! During the course of one month from the time he broke it off with me and after I cried my eyeballs out I realized how incompatible we were and how wrong I was for not trusting my self. Not trusting that inner wisdom that warned me the first time I met him. I had such an amazing time. Then, he contacted me. I waited a week to reply because I wanted to make sure I did the right thing. Whether the right thing was to ignore him altogether or respond in a firm mature manner. Finally, I thought **** it! I reply. We met up. I was on such a happy roller coaster from the time we weren't together that I think it showed on my face, my body, and personailty. I think he could sense how happy I was. Long story short and fast forwarding one week. He becomes infatuated with being with me, professes his love and confesses that he was wrong in the way that he acted. He realized that all I wanted to do all along was love him. He was right about that. So he asked if we could try again. Thoughtlessly I agreed. So now two weeks later I care about him but I'm not in love with the person he is. His character flaws drive me nuts! I couldn't imagine a life with him. I'd be miserable. He's lazy, pessimistic, over critical of him self AND others and extremely unstable. He's a dreamer. Enough said. He has talked about marriage. He now wants me to move to California with him to be close to his mom. all of this said in two weeks! My problem is that I feel BAD! I hate this feeling. Some people, from what I have seen can be strong and do rational/logical/right thing but not me. I feel bad hurting his feelings. I feel bad for his family. I really like them and I know they really like me too. They see the value in me. They see what a prize I am to him. and to make matter worse right when I thought I could do it ...I thought I could find the strength within to break it off ...I see his face book status change to "in a relationship" and then I saw most of his family and close friends "like" the status. and then all of sudden I couldn't do it.

Now I've done some research on how to break up with some one. It all sounds appropriate and great but my problem is actually following through with it and not feeling bad after ward....any one have any suggestions??

Please help!!
I'm 25 and seriously don't want to waste my time. Time is so precious. I know what I want already especially after dating him.
I definitely want to and could settle down at this point if I met the right guy. Not perfect but right.

I could break it off over the phone but doesn't he derseve in person??
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Reply Fri 1 Aug, 2014 04:28 am
Here's my rule of thumb (your mileage may vary).

Going out over a year or any rings or major pieces of jewelry were exchanged or you moved in together? Or you have or are expecting a kid together? Break up in person unless there is true physical danger.

Going out six months to eleven months and 29 days (e. g. one day less than a year), with no major pieces of jewelry (a pair of cheap earrings isn't "major") exchanged, no shared parenthood or impeding parenthood, and you don't live together? Then break up over the phone.

Going out five months and 29 days or less (e. g. one day less than six months), and I love yous have not been exchanged and shared parenthood is not impeding? Then break up via text although that's usually considered a douche move and should be upgraded to a phone breakup. Expressions of love, no matter how wildly inappropriate, upgrade this to a phone breakup as does a positive pregnancy test, even if paternity is uncertain.

I'd put you in the middle if your dating went on for six to eleven months, combined, e. g. all instances of "dating" are added together but don't count any time apart where you were broken up or taking a break or whatever.

As for what to say, clich├ęs are dumb but they are easy and they give you a script. Say something like, "I'm sorry, but this just isn't working out. We are not meant to be together."

Don't wait to hear his side of things. Get off the phone as soon as you can and be done with it. Then block his number so that you aren't tempted to pick up the phone and answer "just this once". Because that's how you're back in this same predicament again, and it's preventing you from seeking out someone who's more appropriate for you.

As for feeling badly about it, I can't comment on what your feelings are going to be. They'll go one way or another, or more likely they'll be mixed. That is utterly normal. You have a history with this guy, after all. But don't confuse feeling a little bad with thinking you've made a mistake or even that you've devastated him or the like. Chances are incredibly good that he'll bounce back. Most people do.

You can do this.
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