Teen Mothers Day

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PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT OFFERING WARM TEEN MOTHER'S DAY WISHES TO WOULD-BE USERS OF "PLAN B" MORNING-AFTER CONTRACEPTIVE
Statement by the President THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Each year, on the second Sunday of May, we people of the United States demonstrate love for our mothers in a uniquely American way: indulging in a consumeristic orgy of molasses-sweet greeting card sentiment and stale, steeply-discounted Valentines Day candy. We do this not because we are a nation of faggy mama's boys or because motherhood is an arguably glorious thing, but because you don't want to cross any broad who has been told by billions of dollars of advertising that she is about to get a fix. Besides, motherism is the reason that God stooped to invent females and put them here on earth in the first place. Well that, and to cook and clean and lovingly hand-bleach the skidmarks out of her church-wedded husband's Fruit of the Loom tightie-whities – or, as was Mom's Sunday ritual, the harlotry residue of Jennifer Fitzgerald's too-bright lispstick off of his collar and jock-strap. That is why today, in my determination to defend the sanctimony of motherdom, I have ordered FDA Acting Director Steven Galson to reject plans to begin over-the-counter sales of the morning-after contraceptive called "Plan B." I have done this because every medical review has found Plan B to be perfectly safe and effective, and strongly recommended its release. Well, if the little suckers work, there is no way my easily-annoyed followers in the American Christian Taliban are going to allow them to be sold, thereby allowing our nation's sluts to get away with pleasure without paying the price of bringing a mewling brat into the world as a constant reminder of the horrible, disgusting shame of enjoying sex.


The fact is that this is a pill that spits in the face of motherism! Once a girlie takes it, it basically releases thousands of teeny-tiny abortion doctors, who swim around deep inside her cooter like mermaids wielding itty-bitty Ginsu knives, hacking the heads off every sweet innocent womb booger they see. This affront to motherinity I cannot abide! You see, the nightmare scenario here is if should drugs like Plan B become anywhere near as easy to buy as a semi-automatic machine gun, we'll end up with entire generations of dames thinking that the decision to evict a blob of uterine phlegm is theirs to make, when, as every upstanding male American knows, that is a determination that must be left solely to the cunning discretion of Red State male focus groups. Yes, because the truth of the matter is that once girlies slip up and let their little coochies get filled to the brim with boy mess, they should have no option but to become the walking petri dish God created them to be! Anyway, this Administration believes that Plan B will give teen girls a false sense of security, thereby actively encouraging them to start wrapping their little period holes around every varsity quarterback tube steak they see. By the same logic, I also believe that emergency open heart surgery should be banned, on account of it makes folks think there are no consequences for being stabbed in the chest with a switchblade! Furthermore, motheracity is for youth. The Good Lord wants mommies who are spritely and pretty, before He goes and turns them into Ernest Borgine's doppelgänger. Indeed, one of the problems with America today is that dames are so deluded into thinking they can do real jobs as well as men, that they put off doing their womanly duty until they're so old, their insides are about as welcoming to our seed as an uppity Iraqazoid prisoner is to a blessed American FREEDOM® broom cleansing his rectum better than a whole box of high-fiber cereal. And so, with the banishment of Plan B from CVS and Walgreens aisles now having joined my Administration's policy of joining hands with the heterosexual-adverse boy-humpers in the Roman Catholic Church in opposing any and all contraception and sex education, let us look forward to a future in which Mother's Day returns to its historical roots as a holiday focused primarily on nubile, hot teens. And to all America's hormone-frenzied little cheerleaders out there, I am proud to say you can now revel in the unavoidability of your impending mommyism! (Just don't go asking for any government help once you're knocked up and get expelled from your voucher school.) NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim May 9, 2004, as Teen Mother's Day. I commend teen mothers for existing as shining examples of the efficacy of my Christian Coalition-dictated reproductive health policies, and encourage all Americans to embrace the now-conceivable future when any and all solutions to reducing surgical abortion will be bureaucratically smothered quicker than an unwanted toddler. From now on, it will be your choice that is nipped in the bud, not your baby, little ladies. IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this seventh day of May, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two thousand four, and of the Independence of the United States of America from the sissy Limeys the two hundred and twenty-eighth. GEORGE W. BUSH