Missing wife = girl "friend" ... okay or not?

It's a bad thing if it's distracting you from your existing relationship or her from hers.

The post sounds like bait to me. Nobody knows your relationship better than you. If you have to ask, then you are making a vain attempt at fooling yourself and hoping we will bite into it.

Go find a mirror and read your post in front of it. Then listen to your heart and try and ignore your misplaced fantasy.

If your wife is not your fantasy, there is little doubt that you could possibly be hers.

Stop playing house. Commitment is a tough thing. It has its cost as well as its reward. Weigh the two and stop asking strangers stupid questions that you know the answer to.

Regards
Jimmy

What fishin' said.

The marriage won't be good for the kids in the long run. They are learning about love relationships and marriage from you and your wife.

Either recommit to your wife, and stop giving her due affection to the other woman--or get a divorce.

Just my opinion.

In the beginning of our relationship, my guy gave me a small lithograph with the inscription, "The grass is ALWAYS greener where its WATERED." I always thought that said it all.
I hope it helps you figure out where you want your grass to be greener.

I am not quite as chastising as some to cadjocky, but wonder about the name, cad?

But I agree that you two who are married need to deal with what is going on there. An unhappy household is arguably not better than a split family that has resolved issues and shares parenting time... a parting with relatively little animosity.

Or maybe with talking and talking and talking you can reconnect.

This inbetween, where you live together, and let me just presume have sex from time to time, living in some sort of long time passageway - that is if you are planning on divorce when the children are older - is stressful on both of you and probably the children. Or is it? Maybe it isn't.

Your friend, and I understand it is a relief to have a friend and think it is smart to keep the sex out of it at this point, is also held in a nebulous state, and for how long, and how fair is that? Or is the attraction there only on your side?

I personally don't think people should leave marriages for other people. They should leave the marriages and then connect with other people. This gets trickier if other people suddenly make you unhappy with your marriage, there I think one needs a lot of caution, as in the grass is greener syndrome. What one 'can't have' has historically been appealing to many many people. And, when one is attracted to someone else, the person at home's annoying traits get ever more so.

Talking is good, first of all to yourself, figuring out what you think. Maybe to a counseler, perhaps you and your wife together, or you separately. Lot to think about.

Cadjockey, Have you spoken to your wife about your feelings? If so, what has been resolved? Is there a reason you would prefer a clandestine friendship with someone else, rather than a better marriage with your wife? I think Samantha has a good point. Realize that where you put your time, energy and effort is most likely going to produce the most "fruitful" relationship. I'm personally not good at telling people how to live or suggesting how to live, this is just an observation from a well meaning stranger.

From the information you've given us, you aren't breaking your marriage vows (although the potential exists). You also aren't working on your marriage vows, either.

Your friend makes you feel like a special person and provides warmth and understanding that you are not finding in your marriage. How long is this relationship going to be Platonic?

I've always felt that decency demanded, "Be sure you're off with the old love, before you're on with the new." Establishing a personal bolt hole and then breaking up a marriage is unfair to your spouse. Further, your kids would get a rotten example of marital behavior.

I congratulate you for sensing a need to Do Something. Please, for the sake of your kids, be very careful what you do.

osso, this might refer to the Autocad computer program, known as Cad or CADD to those who use it (Cadjockeys). But I digress.

cadjockey, you need to make up your mind, not so much about the platonic (for now; I also don't believe for one second that that's gonna be platonic for much longer) gal but about your wife. I think staying together "for the sake of the children" or "because the rent's cheaper" or whatever is a lousy reason for not cutting ties. Marriages are meant (IMHO) to be marriages, not holding tanks you stay in because other states of being are too financially difficult, or would be potentially "worse" for the kids. After all, the kids know something's up; they're not stupid. Surely your children can see that you and your wife are on the outs, no matter how well you try to cover things up.

So my advice is, make an appointment with a counselor and go to it jointly. And here are some choices, for you and your wife to decide on, which your counselor will very likely suggest you think long and hard about:
(1) Get a divorce.
(2) Become separated. That means, someone moves out. May lead to #1.
(3) Reconcile as a couple, and be married again, in every sense of the word. Recommit to one another, and mean it. Don't just go through the motions.

This isn't just her decision, and it isn't just yours, but I fear inertia has taken a hold of both of you and you're both comfortable with not having to move or change the locks or get a lawyer or whatever. But how you are existing is not living.

Not every difficult marriage ends in divorce. Not every divorce is the worst thing that ever, ever happened to a child. But what you have now is a nonstarter. If you want to move onto another relationship, or if your wife wants to, the opportunity isn't there because you are still legally committed to one another. If either of you want to reconcile, that's not happening either, as you're just stuck here in limbo.

Time to get out of limbo.

I have to say it's destructive, even if it seems like a nice get away. To me affairs are a way of avoiding problems rather than confronting them.

Jespah, yeah, I know about Cadd programs, wasn't aware people who work with them are called jockeys. I did think of it, but was riffing on the appelation of 'cad'.

First off, thanks to those who spent so much time answering my question. It really helps when you hear the obvious from others. I guess I know the answer, but when keeping secrets, one can convince themselves of anything. Yes, life is in "limbo" as jespah said. No, jimmyk, this wasn't bait, as my only one friend that knows about this encourages it (for his own reasons, but that's another story).

What a great point sofia and samantha made regarding giving my wife her due. I shower my friend with affection, and come home and complain about something. And Osso, you are also correct, the relationship is one sided ... I'd jump in the sack in a heartbeat, and I don't think she would. She just loves the attention and affection she receives, but is always ready with the brake peddle.

Everybody who responded really sounds wise, and I feel so ignorant.

The internet is nice in the respect that most friends will not say what they really feel in fear of offending you.

I know what path I will try first.

C.J. I'm so glad this helped you. It feels a bit awkward just "putting it out there" but it can help, can't it? --

Welcome to A2K! Best of luck...Samantha

Dear Cadjocky,

I am in a similar situation to you, but I am not married and I dont have children. I have been with my partner for five years now. We still sleep in the same bed at night, but i think we just sleep next to each other for the sake of it. There is nothing left between us, and I feel so incredibly lonely.

I guess I havent left yet, because i am scared too Oneday I will. I know if i were married to him and had children with him I would have made so much more of an effort.

I have lots of other guy friends too. But i know that i would never take it further with any of them until I have completely finnished the relationship i am in now. That's just something I owe to him.

If you know that your relationship is over with your wife, kids arent the reason to stay together. Its a modern age and i think it would be healthier for the kids if you weren't together rather than stay in an ugly marriage.

If you have already tried so much to make it work with your wife and you still see no hope then you should consider the appropriate steps to move on and get on with your life and possibly your new relationship.

But sometimes, like myself in my situation, we still want to hold on to something and not let go, and if thats your situation you need consider what you're holding on too, and sometimes it just nice to have friends, but a wife or someone that you share every single day with is a completely different thing.

I would strongly reccomend taking five minutes a day to sit and think about your situation, nobody understands what is going but you.

I hope this helps.

Happy for you, cadjockey.

I DID act on my feelings, and it was a horrible mistake that caused my family to suffer. I'm forever trying to help others avoid the same mistake.

The feelings an affair produces is a definite high. Don't beat up on yourself for feeling great about the excitement. Your chemical make-up changes when you are on the cusp of an affair--but sooner or later that feeling dissipates, and you are left in ruins, wondering where the hell your head was when it happened...

Good for you!

cadjockey,

I hate women like your 'girlfriend'. I'd kick her in the teeth if I could.


June 5: I apologize for this violent comment. It was uncalled for.

If you're falling in love with someone else and no longer have the relationship you once did, get a divorce. You aren't doing your children any favors.

I didn't realize this topic was still going ...

To those who say, leave ... you're not doing the kids any favors ... I'd say you are the ones who are wrong. My wife and I have an amicable relationship, it is not horrible. I still remember what I got involved in when my parents split when I was 14. I learned about pot and getting drunk and I didn't give a hoot what my parents thought since they were so selfish. Leaving also means that someone gets the kids, and the last time I checked the mom is usually the one. Gee, that sounds cool ... leave, live alone in an unfinished apartment, see the kids on every other weekend, have some other man move into my house and discipline my kids. Oh and child support and alimony ... $2k a month. Not as glamorous as on tv.

My eyes are wide open to the realities of divorce

YAY!

Have you talked with your wife about revving things up between you? How are things at this point?

(YAY!)

my point of view
hello,

Well, I just bought this book named "The Truth about Love" it's a great book. It talks about how feelings wane and the work that is required to keep a realationship going even when it seems easier to find someone new. I recomend that you bother read this book. And work together on the "us" factor of the realtionship. You may find that you both want more and just didn't want to rock the boat by saying so. I say, leave the "friend" behind becasue eventhough you have feelings for her, they are only infatuation feelings. And this realtionship is taking away from you and your wife's realtaionship, heart, mind and time. Give youe wife and yourslef the chance to recapture what you once had....in the end the work you put in can only help the situation. If it doesn't help over time, at least you will know what you need to do in the future to keep a realtionship healthy. I think one of the biggest problems these days is the unrealistic expectation that the married relationship is not suppose to eb monotnous. Unfortuanately with a daily life it inevitably is. You need to look at you realtionship with her as being with someone you are commited to and someone you knwo will be there for you, and you for her. I also think the quote above is great! The grass is always greener where it's watered. That is great!