She has never met my parents!

Some advice on the question you asked and some other things, more about me than about you:

1) get married. Really. Stop all the bullsh*t about non=traditional and suck it up and get married. The tax benefits alone are worth it and you will have shown the world you are not two gutless wonders.

2) Start talking to your parents. They may be idiots and you don't have to follow a single suggestion they make. No, you don't. But you will be fulfilling a positive life engendering aspect,:------ you will be making contact with your family. (Good or bad, families bring out the best in human beings.) ((yes, they do. although sometimes it takes years..)

3) Love one another.

really.

No,

stop a minute and think about what it means to love someone

else

and be loved by them.


Hey! No Shi*! Stop. WHAT does it mean to love someone?

Slow down.

Think about your feelings.....








there.


That's better.


Good night.


Call me.


Joe

Listen to Joe, he's on pont here.

My advice on both aspects is much like Joe's. Marriage doesn't really concern anyone except the two of you, your relationship, married or not, concerns noone but the two of you. It would be nice if you went to visit your parents, but do it because you want to not because you feel you are obligated.

On the other... My dad died at age 42 of a sudden heart attack, we had much the same relationship as you describe, though he only lived across town, when he died, he had only seen his grandchildren once at my insistence... I know he loved me, but there were so many questions I had that can never be answered now... If something were to happen to them tomorrow, you will have to live with that "what if" for the rest of your life. It's a two way street... and the phone lines go both ways.

Why are you determined to ignore traditional forms of family? Your parent/son bond is weak. You and your True Love will have a "non-traditional" relationship for the rest of your life.

What offends/scares you about convention?

As for introducing your Intended to your parents....would you rather everyone met at a funeral?

If family means nothing to you, ignore family. If the people you love are important to you, introduce them.

Back when I was in my 20s I thought much the same way about my parents as you do now.

It's nearly 30 years later. My parents are both still alive, but every time I see them I'm shocked by how much older and more frail they look. At the end of each vacation I wonder if that's the last time I'll ever see them.

Please, for your own sake, reconsider a relationship with your parents.

not often that i disagree with Joe, but;

he is dead wrong (my opinion, obviously) on (1), partially right on (2), and dead right on (3).

Marriage (and for that matter most institutions based upon tradition)
is a mind deadening package of external mind games, that has nothing to do with the relationship between caring adults (of any variety).
turning toward your partner, upon waking 'each' morning, and deciding that you really 'want' to spend another day of your life 'together' is the only way a sane relationship can flourish.
Consider all external influences, but do not let any of them, 'tell' you what to do (including me of course!).

re: your parents - arrange a meeting if they are interested.
perhaps meet them half way, as a symbol of mutual interest (and an excuse for a mini holiday).

being both 'out of your territorial comfort zone' will enhance the openness of discussion, and if nothing comes of it, much may be lost, but - life goes on.

and always reassess your love, at each word, each glance, each touch!

Go, Bo!

I'm 100% with Bo on this.

Go, Joe!

I'm 100% with Joe on this.

Okay, it's like this. Divorce is so common these days that even if you ARE married, you still have to do everything Bo talked about..."turning toward your partner, upon waking 'each' morning, and deciding that you really 'want' to spend another day of your life 'together' is the only way a sane relationship can flourish." Living together without being married results in letting you experience all the sh!t of marriage without any of the benefits. C'mon, take the plunge. Love should be all the way or nothing.

The marriage part is your call. If you're both happy with the status quo--no reason to change it.

The parent thing-- If you treat your parents the way they treat you, you'll almost certainly regret it later. Treat them like you'd like to be treated, and odds are they will respond. In any event, when they are gone, you won't bear any guilt. Start sending them cards...call once a week, and have some easy small talk. I bet they change toward you.

They may learn a lesson from you-- they may think you aren't interested in them-- they may just be weak people, who need a role model--

If your S.O. wants to meet them, give them a call, and try to arrange it. Then, the ball is in their court. I hope it works out.

Whether or not two people who love each other, get married or don't get married, is a personal decision/choice no outsider can find fault with, or disagree with, or advise against.

About seeing/meeting parents.......that depends, doesn't it? If you have a good relationship with them, you might consider making the trip.

If you have an antagonistic or non-existent relationship with them - why go see them now?

My entire family lives in Europe. I don't care for any of them, so I don't communicate with them, don't miss them, and best of all.......they no longer come to visit me so they can drive me nuts.

Oh sure we can, katya!

Seriously, where would a "Relationships & Marriage" forum be without everyone's comments! No harm intended...but nobody can stop people from talking about others' relationships, online or IRL.

Eva--

Good point. Opinions aren't optional--opinions are necessary for survival.

Hmm, I think deciding every morning if you want to keep living with this person is a little obsessive, and if you do so, I'd at least consider waiting til you have some tea or coffee.
(only half kidding.)

I won't comment now on marriage or no marriage; I am mostly for marrying, but different people thrive in different situations.

On the parent visiting, I would do it, I think, possibly with some initial conversations to check out the lay of the land. Not knowing either you or the parents and what the issues are between you, I don't know about the matter of timeing and warning them. I just think trying to meet them is worth it.

As a variation on the theme of meeting half way, I'd go the distance and consider doing something else on the trip, finding a resort nearby or a stopover city for an extra day or two, whatever interests you two, to have a dual reason for the excursion. I suggest this because I always like to have fun side trips, in any case, even if it's only a nice dinner somewhere, and in this situation, I think it would dilute some of the possible tension, the weight on the one event. ... and possibly as a reaffirmation of yourselves.

Ossobuco's idea is really good: find a fun-thing to do that makes the trip exciting and the visit to the family, kind of a side-thingy that's of little importance.

Excellent solution.

The issue of receiving cards or not from your parents may mean nothing. Some people are not good communicators and do not keep up with writing and phone calls - doesn't mean there's no love there. You say your parents don't support you - that could mean absolutely anything ... don't keep in touch? don't give you financial assistance? provide emotional support? what?

There's not much to go on here - do you love your parents? Do you think they love you? Do they know about your significant other? Have they expressed any interest or desire in meeting her?

Marriage is another issue - to marry or not - whatever.
A decision to be made between you and your partner only.

My infrequency of communication with my family is often a result of pure laziness. I either call my parents or they call me roughly once a month but that is a habit I've gotten into in the last year. Before that, I could go 6 months without calling. When we do talk and get together, the relationship is excellent, it's just a matter of getting my act together and making it happen with some sort of considerate frequency. They had to ask if I would bring my boyfriend of 3 years home to meet them - it just hadn't occurred to me to ask him(!) Yeah I'm not the most savvy when it comes to doing the social-thing, but I mean't no snub to either him or them - it just didn't pop into my head until someone said something.

I say go for it.....get married! I would try to open the lines of communication up a bit with your parents, so at some point they can be included on some level that the both of you find appropriate. But I wouldn't feel the need if you haven't had too much contact with them to go 1200 miles so everyone can meet one another...........

Most here seem to assume the poster is male. In any case, scwardensky asked about visiting the parents - we have all piped in with exhortations - or not - toward marriage.