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Sat 15 May, 2004 05:09 pm
I am 54 and have been a widow since 1998. I have been dating a wonderful man, 55 since January. We have been together almost every weekend since our first date. We love being with each other and fit together like a glove. He has been divorced since 1995.
He dated someone for 3 years and broke off the relationship August, 2003, due to the fact that she lived some 100 miles away, and because an old boyfriend had contacted her and she started communicating with him.
For about a month now, he told me she has been calling him. He has now told me that he needs to not see me so he can spend some time with her and solve his problem as to his feelings. He futher told me that he is not in love with her and that he loves me in his own way.
My world has been rocked. We had dinner last Thursday evening and he told me things were going to work out for us. What is he up to? Is he just confused as to who he wants to be with? Should I just sit back and see what he does? I do not plan to contact him at all.
We both agree that our relationship has been wonderful thus far. Obviously, this other woman has some hold on him somehow. Another strange fact to me is that she is 61 years old! He is 55. I am 54. what gives??????
Tricky.
I think
1) He is anticipating a long distance booty call--(she will come and stay for a couple of days, while you so kindly 'give him space'.)
2) She is talking about moving to where he is, but she is asking for some type of commitment, and he is mulling his options.
Depending on your level of commitment, you may choose to wait and see what he decides. From what you say, it is pretty casual, but growing.
I think if I were you, I'd luxuriate in the sun, exercise to tighten my bod--concentrate on ME, and see what he decides.
If you concentrate on him, and get clingy and demand professions of his favor, you will be doing the other woman a favor.
When I saw him, I'd have a sparkle of You Want To Be With Me in my eyes, dress cute, have a little sun and sparkly lipstick, and put it to him in a non-threatening way-- (ie) "I think she may be making a play for you. I've loved our time together, and I hope it doesn't end--but I'm not going to pressure you. But, I won't be sidelined for long, while you decide. I care about you, so I'm willing to give you a little time."
BE CONFIDENTand be glad this came up before you had REAL emotional investment in the guy.
Good luck, dear.
Sofia has given some excellent advice. There are lots of good fish in the sea....and the guy you've been dating may not be one of them.
Of course he needs "space". He indicated to you he was free. Now a piece of his past has returned and he wants "space" to compare the past and the present.
You read your emotion as "confused". Look again: You are Angry and Anger is an appropriate response to being treated like the second fiddle.
Talk things over with him--but make it clear he is not the only person in your relationship with a right to make serious choices. You have rights, too.
You have to wonder. Will he ask for space everytime this ex-girlfriend calls? Or someone new comes on the scene? It may seem innocent enough but something stinks here and you don't have to be a party to it. Only you can decide if he's worth the risk, tho.
He says that it's not your problem but it is because you're being put on hold and that's never a pleasant place to be.
This other woman, do you know anything about her?
Sorry to hear this, abby.
Sounds like 'not your problem' is a way of saying 'it's none of your business'. Which would make me furious
Sofia's got some pretty good advice. I'm not so sure I'd go to the point of modifying your appearance. He already knows who you are, and seems to have appreciated you. Be who you are, and lay it on the line for him.
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