Children molesting children

First off, I am sorry you're caught in the middle of this.

I just want to be sure I understand who all of the players are:

• you
  
• your husband
  
• your stepdaughter, aged 21
  
• your eldest stepson, aged 17 (let's call him Alan)
  
• your stepson's cousin, aged 13 (let's call him Bill)
  
• your youngest stepson, aged 8 (let's call him Chris). Chris is half-brother to Alan and your stepdaughter.
  
• there is a fourth child; I'm going to assume that's another stepdaughter and she is unrelated to what's going on, although she could be witnessing pretty much anything
  
• There's also your mother-in-law.

I take it you have no children of your own.

Alan has engaged in sexual acts with Bill for 6 years. Now Bill is older. And Alan is apparently hanging around Chris, and they've slept in the same bed together. While you don't necessarily have evidence of any sexual acts occurring between Alan and Chris, you suspect so. Plus with Chris staying with you for the summer, you're cautious. You antennae are up even more because Alan is hanging around more, and the behavior seems incongruent.

I think you've got good reason to be cautious. And for your husband and MIL to be ignoring the elephant in the room is rather troubling.

And let's separate out a few things. It is okay to be gay. But the problem here isn't, truly, homosexuality. It's that Bill has been abused, and that Chris might be, or he might be Alan's next target. Alan seems to be a sexual predator. Beyond the fact that that is gay, and this is incest, it's a lot worse that it is the victimization of these two young boys, who are far too young to be able to consent to such acts. And that would be true whether these acts were the idea of the younger boy or the elder one, or even if one of the parties was female.

So, what to do.

Please understand that I am not a professional.

But this is absolutely a counseling situation. As your husband and MIL continue to sing la la la I can't hear you, Bill is suffering. Chris might be, too, and he can certainly be saved from it if it turns out that, as you suspect, Alan is grooming and targeting him.

What is also the case is that Alan is a year from hitting the age of majority. He starts doing this to the wrong kid, and he will be sent to jail. He will be an adult and will be tried as one (and he might be tried as one now, if he's arrested, as he's close to 18 and the length of the time period of the sexual acts speaks of planning and grooming behaviors).

Regardless of how much in denial your husband and MIL are, I doubt either of them want to see Alan go to jail. I doubt either of them want to see Bill messed up enough that he thinks the only way he will get love is to succumb to abuse. I doubt either of them want to see Chris also surrender to abuse.

Where are the boys' mothers in all of this? Are you cordial with either of them? Has your stepdaughter mentioned her concerns to them as well?

I am not suggesting going on a witch hunt, but you can take some steps now.

Here is what I would suggest. And there is every possibility that none of this will work; I'm just trying to give you some options that will hopefully protect everyone with the minimal risk of harming anyone or getting Alan branded - for life - as a sex offender.

1. Talk to your husband, alone, about what it will mean if Alan is arrested. You need to get your husband to at least realize that there is the potential for real danger here. This is not Alan expressing his sexuality; this is Bill (and possibly also Chris) being hurt.
   
2. The two of you should talk to Alan. Explain that being gay is fine, but that young children are not sexual playthings. Inform him that he will not be allowed to be alone with Chris. Alan is not allowed to sleep over, period.
   
3. Work with Alan and Bill's mothers to try to get these boys the counseling they need. Make it clear that you want your homes (all three of them) to be safe places for the younger boys.
   
4. Inform Chris's mother (maybe) that there may be issues with Alan, but you are taking steps to protect Chris

And then what? If Alan balks, or if he's otherwise caught, call the cops. And yeah, he'll go to jail, and he'll be branded as a sex offender, probably even if he pleads guilty to a lesser charge.

Yeah, it's that serious.

And Chris needs to be talked to about good touching and bad touching, even from trusted relatives.

It's too bad that Bill did not feel comfortable enough to ask an adult about this before.