Frustrated and Stuck In a Loveless Marriage~About To Cheat Again

Hi...I am 29 years old and stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I've been married for 13 years...if you do the math this means I married at 16. Pretty crazy..especially since my husband is 10 years older than me. I thought I felt that I truly loved him...despite my young age and the age difference we really seemed to connect.

Everything was going pretty smoothly until 2 years later he came home and announced that he had falled for another 16 year old girl. He told me that he loved her and that my 1 year old daughter and myself would have to move back home with my family (who lives 350 miles away) I was completely heartbroken and felt that someone had just punched me in the gut...he was my world and just like that he was ending it. Well he ended up losing his job because of this and the whatever they had going on ended.

So we reconciled and he begged me not to leave...told me how sorry he was blah blah blah and I stayed (I didn't have anywhere else to go anyway so that didn’t leave me with much of a choice at 18 years old and a baby) About a month later I started a graveyard shift job and met someone. He seemed perfect…told me I was beautiful, came and checked on me at work, all the things my husband didn’t do. So we ended up having a affair. The sex was AMAZING…I had never experienced anything like this before…evidently my husband was lacking in the bedroom dept. I ended up falling for this guy…but of course he did not want a relationship with a married 18 year old mother.

So after a two month log affair my husband found out and had all of my clothes packed in a garbage bags and had some paper for me to sign I guess scaring me into giving him custody. I was afraid and alone. I asked my dad about letting me come and live with them until I could get on my feet but he told me I could only stay for a week..and my mother lives in a dump not suitable for a small child. So I begged my husband to give me another chance. I swore I would never do anything like this again. Eventually he agreed and we moved on. For the next 8 years I was miserable. My husband was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I begged him for affection but he was a jerk. Basically all he ever wanted to do was have sex…and I did not enjoy it. We had many arguments over me never wanting to have sex with him. It got so bad that one night he pushed me out of the bed.

We would get into constant arguments about this…finally I grew tired of the arguments that would last sometimes until 3am and I just gave in. Two years ago I yet again had another affair. I met this guy through a training class for my job. We texted each other back and forth for about a month on a friendly level…then it turned sexual . He told me how beautiful and sexy I was (things I never heard from my husband) he made me feel special…all of those wonderful things. The 1st night that I was with him….I felt something inside of me had awoke. He was passionate and caring. He was an awesome lover. I felt that wonderful tingly feeling inside of me and I just wanted to be with him all of the time.

I decided that it was time for me to leave the marriage…it was not fair to him or me. So in September 2012 I left….I had never felt so free. I was on my own for the 1st time in my life. The affair ended in November after my husband found out by reading my diary and contacted him. I lived solo for 1 year. During this year my husband begged me to come back…he vowed to change and he did…and has not gone back to his old ways. After a year of being on my own I was forced to come back due to losing my job and issues with my landlord. I did not want to come back to try and work on my marriage but I knew if I told him anything different he would not allow it. So basically I am pretending to be happy with him and I am anything but.

I want to leave but I cannot find a job and I worry about my kids. It was tough on them the last time I left and I do not want to cause them anymore harm. The other issue is that I struggle with being alone. I feel like I would be so depressed if I were on my own. Plus my family lives miles away and I do not have a relationship with my mother….and my father passed away last year. Recently I texted my old lover…he wants to see me again. We have not been with each other in a long time…and I know it would be amazing to see him again….and it probably will happen. I do not want to hurt my husband. He has changed his old ways and has stayed the course…unfortunately I am just not in love with him anymore. I have not desired him in years. I am not attracted to him. We would make great friends but we are not right for each other. I am saving money when I can…and I have a hobby that I turned into a business to help with finances but I am so afraid to leave again.

I am about to be 30…I cannot continue to live this way…but at the current time I am stuck. I am currenlty in counseling but would love advice from other people who may have gone through something similar.