marriage/age gap relationship affair

I believe you owe it to your husband and family to sever all ties with him immediately. Don't talk to him don't see him. I think anything else would be unfair to everyone else involved. Not to say that advice wouldn't be difficult to follow.

You are supposed to be the mature one on the affair.

I do not deny that you feel love towards the young man. Or that he loves you. But the decision to make is too big.

Has it crossed through your mind the possibility that you're inadvertently using the young guy because you're somehow angry at your husband?

BTW, how have your husband and children reacted? Even if they don't know, there's certainly something in the air that tells them things aren't the way they used to be.

jill, what I think you are experiencing is a mid-life crisis. You're at just the right age for such a thing to happen. This new guy, in his early 20's makes you feel young no doubt. You probably feel very flattered that a guy so young finds you attractive and desireable.

My advice to you is...do not alter your life. Treat this relationship for exactly what it is...a fling. Have fun in secret. In a short amount of time, the flames will die down, I assure you. Keep your family life stable. Don't blow it. If you reveal your newfound love to your husband and children, extended family, you will more than likely live to regret it.

Welcome to A2K Jill!
Please forgive any inferred lack of sensitivity in my response (I've promised my fellow A2Kers I'd disclose that up front).

Ask yourself how much you are into him as opposed to the "forbidden fruit" and "dream come true" aspects of the relationship. A 20 year old man is every bit as mature as a 17 year old girl. He is not the man he is going to be. He may be better, he may be worse. Try not to take this too hard, but the odds of him remaining attracted to a woman 20 years his senior are slim to none. Perhaps he can't see that now, but you should. It is a very rare man who is as open minded, as women seem to be about these things. And no, neither you nor he can know if he is that exceptional man at his age. Is it really worth giving up what you have now?

I believe people need a reason to stay together, not to spit up... So if you are truly unhappy with your husband, by all means, get a divorce. But don't do it because of a relationship that has a 1 in a million shot of going the distance.

Perhaps I'm painting him with my own shallow, superficial shortcomings, but I have little doubt that he'd eventually do the same at 25, 30 or 35. I could be wrong, but, frankly, I'm not. Enjoy this while it lasts and if it lasts forever you will have lived the dream. If not, you won't have gambled your life on such a long-shot.
Just my honest opinion... I could be wrong.

As I have both 20 year old men and 17 year old women in my classes I would opine that the 17 year old women are on the whole, more mature. I would take this for what Occum Bill and doglover have defined it as, a fling, and would not put too much emotion into it. A lot of people dear to you will be hurt.

You are 41 years old.

If you were willing to risk All For Love, you'd have told your husband, abandoned your kids and taken off with the Mature Young Stud.

If you were willing to honor your marriage vows, you'd have said "No" to the first date.

I'm old-fashioned, somewhat priggish and rather cynical. I have no problems bucking the consensus of this thread (to date) and saying that you know damn well what you should do--and this is not dating the stud, deceiving your husband and ignoring your children.

Eventually your double life is going to become public knowledge--at least among your friends and family. How much sympathetic understanding do you expect from people who know you well?

My advice is to concentrate on Damage Control. You've earned your sleepless nights and your mental anguish--and so has your paramour--but your husband and kids have not. They are going to be hurt because of your actions.

What a mess.

Re: marriage/age gap relationship affair
Lots of really thoughtful advice up there ^^^ but,



Jilly's question isn't whether or not to continue the relationship, it is how to leave the marriage. She wants to know what rights she has in leaving the marriage, and how to go about leaving.

Jilly - you'll have to let people know where you are - the laws about this sort of thing vary greatly by jurisdiction. As you would be the one leaving the marriage, and it is likely that it will come out that you have been having an affair, it is quite possible that you will not be able to leave the marital home with anything other than the belongings you entered the marriage with and specific things you brought into the home on your own. So let people know your jurisdiction - perhaps someone will know the laws in the area.

Jilly - you also have to realize that there is a good chance that you, not he, will be seen as the bad person. There will probably be many changes in your social relationships. It might be good to be prepared to for that as well.

I wasn't going to say this, but you're going to need to get USEd to hearing it. You've been very selfish. You think life is about you, but you have children, and what you are doing is just about the worst thing you can do to your children. I can't honestly think of anything worse, but perhaps I just don't have a very good imagination. Again, you will need to get used to hearing things like that, because it's dead on the mark.

Nonsense SCoates. We don't know her situation. My parents argued constantly until they divorced. My mom married a wonderful man a couple years later and we lived happily ever after. I had two dads... beat that! I do not believe people should stay in unhappy marriages for the kid's sake. That would have given me a worse, not better, childhood. Her marital decisions should be made on the merits, not tradition.

I still say go with it as a fling. If, after a year or two you guys are still together, the flame still burning bright and you share the same goals for the future then take your relationship to the next level.

Jill, what about these issues: Does he want to have children someday? If he does, are you going to be the mother? Do you really want to have a child in your mid 40's? How does he feel about being a step dad to 4 kids he isn't much older than?

Lots of men are great when you are having an affair with them but, get them in a real, day to day hassle of life situation and they aren't worth the time of day...can't handle the pressure.

Because he's so young, he may turn into a '5th child'. You will become more of a mother than a lover. Think into the future with this guy Jill....

I could have agreed with you Bill, but Jilly herself states she was happy in her marriage until she met this young stud. If it was a matter of being unhappy in her marriage, she should have dealt with that prior to having an affair. But in any case this is not the situation, at least according to what Jilly wrote. I also agree that this is not what she asked for, but because this is such a serious issue, I am and I believe others are concerned she has not thought it out completely.

I agree with most, except I would not suggest continuing the fling. I do not think it will be easy, but consider how important your family really is…is it worth giving up your children and husband and everything you worked together for? I do not know how old your children are, but have you may lose more than just your husband, you may lose your children? Who will get custody of your children? Will your children be happy with you? They may be forced to live with you, but may not want to after finding out you are the cause of their parents break up and not because you are unhappy, but because you are sleeping with a much younger man. That is going to be tough for them to forgive. My sister-in-law is your age and this happened to her parents. Until the past couple of years she has hardly talked to her mom. She has just recently began forgiving her and started a new relationship with her. This daughter was about 13 when it happened. She ultimately ended up living with a grandparent since she could not forgive her mother. Ultimately of course, it is your decision, but you need to realize what some of the consequences could be. It could end up like Bill's or it could end up like my sister-in-law. Just please think it through before making any rash decisions.

Jill, since you want to know what to do in terms of leaving, my advice is to get to a divorce lawyer and pay to get the answers. Yes, pay. You're going to need a divorce lawyer anyway, may as well retain one now. And, spending money has a way of focusing things. So far, it's been a free ride; you'll see how you feel when there's cash on the barrelhead.

Don't be surprised, though, if you learn from your attorney that it's going to be an uphill battle to get even shared custody of your kids or maintenance payments (alimony). Be prepared for the very real possibility that your financial circumstances will be compromised in a major way. Women do not often fare well in divorce, and neither do parties at fault (even in no-fault jurisdictions), and you are both.

I hope your children come out of this okay.

I wanted to first comment on the marriage aspect of this situation. I think you should fully examine the condition of your marriage, minus this new relationship. Would this be happening if you hadn't met this new man in your life? Is he just the catalyst for making a divorce occur that was inevitable anyhow? Or are you jumping the gun by bailing on your marriage? These are things I would consider. I think it's not wise to base a decision of a divorce on another relationship. One should have nothing to do with the other.

As far as your relationship with a guy half your age, I don't feel that anyone has a right to judge what makes you happy. I am 39 years old and my boyfriend is 21 years old. Although this is a completely untraditional relationship, I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and we increasingly find ourselves surrounded by those who do not judge, but in fact encourage based on our happiness. I of course do a lot of thinking about the future, and what that may mean in terms of our age difference. Goals, children, attraction as years pass, etc. We have discussed and continue to discuss all. But for now, we are happy, and until one of us isn't, we can't think of any reason that we should not be together. Do not let people tell you what you should do with that relationship, as only you and he know. Additionally, I have learned a lesson that you certainly cannot judge wisdom and maturity by the number of years someone has spent on our planet. I am far more compatible with him than anyone else I have been involved with. Good luck to you!!!!!! I would love to discuss your views on this.

I hope you will think before you do this thing.

Think about your relationship with your husband, and what you will be putting your children through.

If your marriage had been bad, you know, I'd be pulling for your happiness.

An affair is a powerfully potent drug. You are under the influence, and should not be driving! (Or making life-altering decisions, that impact innocent children, and what sounds like an innocent husband...)

The reason 'things are always great' when you are with him is because the two of you have no children to fuss about, no bills, ...no nothing but sex and emotion and endorphins... You've been drugged!!!

Snap out of it!